IN TERMS of farcicality, time-consumption and sheer bloody-mindedness, the Northern Ireland peace process is in danger of being usurped as the stupidest show in town by the Nicolas Anelka transfer saga. I exaggerate, naturally, but only slightly.
The parallels are there, all right, with negotiations breaking down and resuming on an almost hourly basis, press conference after press conference being cancelled, and a cast of rather unappealing countenance. At the time of writing, all parties are still at the talks about talks stage of proceedings, with no end in sight.
Before continuing, it s worth pointing out that Foul Play subscribes to the view of Anelka as a very good player, with uncommon speed and technique, who has long since established himself as one of the top seven or eight forwards in England.
The problem is that, when watching him in action, one is repeatedly reminded of Tommy Docherty s famous comment about Les Ferdinand: The only thing wrong with this guy is his finishing. Anelka has everything a modern footballer needs, except a sense of his place within a club set-up, and the ability to shoot straight.
Statistically he seems like a solid 17-goals-a-season man, but on too many important occasions he has looked unable to hit a cow s arse with a banjo. It can be argued that his wasteful finishing in the Champions League, rather than Dennis Bergkamp s travel sickness, was the primary explanation for Arsenal s premature exit from Europe.
His appalling misses in a game against Lens cost the Gunners two priceless points, and his solitary goal in that competition came against Panathinaikos in Athens, on a night when his club had long drifted out of contention for a quarter-final place.
When the squads were named for last summer s World Cup, Anelka was omitted from a French side which possessed a poorer forward line than any other World Cup-winning team in history. It has since come to light that a coterie of France s senior players were consulted before the finals by coach Aimi Jacquet about the possible inclusion of Anelka. The players, fearing histrionics and whingeing if he remained on the bench, said no. So did Jacquet.
Having stalled on takeoff, Anelka s international career was given a huge fillip when he hit a vital goal against Russia last October, and it went into orbit as he scored the two goals that vanquished England at Wembley in February.
But since then, in crunch Euro 2000 qualifiers, Anelka has fired blanks against Ukraine, Russia, Armenia, and most damningly of all even the bartenders and bus-drivers of Andorra. Twice.
So why are Lazio prepared to spend the fourth biggest transfer fee of all time on a young man whose scoring record is good but not superlative, and whose previous actions suggests that, even were he to go to Rome, his tantrums would be directed at them in a couple of years time?
Is it a case of conspicuous consumption? Are Lazio merely desperate to be seen to shell out megabucks on a big-name import, after Christian Vieri was lured away by Internazionale? Are the Roman club attempting to coax their fans into buying more season tickets and replica shirts, and therefore using Anelka as a capital commodity rather than a footballer?
And what of the role of Arsenal in all this? Their sheer witlessness in not biting Lazio s hand off when they were initially offered #18 million for such an unreliable player cannot be gainsaid. Such a sum would buy them a superior replacement for Anelka, such as Dynamo Kiev s Serhiy Rebrov, with enough cash left over for an international-class player to fit into Arsenal s thin-looking squad somewhere else.
Rightly or wrongly, Anelka is hugely bankable at the moment, and there is surely no way he can remain at Highbury without being totally ostracised by team-mates and fans alike. For Arsenal to waste so much of Lazio s time over an extra couple of million quid, as they have done, says more about the current culture of rapacity in English football than a million club megastores.
It s rare that a transfer restores your faith in human nature these days, but Vladimir Smicer s recent move to Liverpool saw a degree of relative sanity returning to the market.
A former Lens centre-forward, Smicer cost the Pool #3.5 million, a fee which represents a superb piece of business compared with the Anelka fiasco. A man with Euro 96 and Champions League experience, the Czech is a fast and eager forward with decisive finishing skills and the priceless ability to lose defenders.
Expect Lazio to be straight in there with a #31 million bid when he hits the winner against Arsenal in September. n