Messy Little Raindrops

When you look at Cheryl Cole’s beautiful, grinning, dimpled face on your gogglebox of a Saturday night, everything the girl says makes sense. Remember last weekend’s X Factor and how you let yourself get caught up in a kind of sexy tsunami from the moment she appeared on screen, hanging on her every word until the sight of Simon Cowell’s hairline startled you back to reality? Well, believe me when I tell you: Cheryl Cole on record is an altogether different experience.
When you’re not staring into those bottomless lagoons she calls eyes, Cole’s husky, demure voice just raises lots of questions. Like, why is she singing in Latin? What the hell is she doing to that synthesiser? Where’s that other bird who used to handle the big notes? Why must she constantly compare her various romantic escapades to apples, lighthouses, hummingbirds and other puzzling sundries?
Yup, Messy Little Raindrops is Cole’s second album in 12 months and the second album in 12 months on which she essentially spends three quarters of an hour spouting a lot of tenuous nonsense about spreading your wings, letting your star shine bright and thrusting a kumquat up the anal passage of destiny. I added that last one for kicks, which unfortunately are few and far between on this record.
Co-written by divine dance diva Kelis, ‘Waiting’ includes a mildly clever reworking of Vanessa Carlton’s ‘A Thousand Miles’; ‘Yeah Yeah’ is a solid dancefloor ditty produced by Ellie Goulding’s right hand man Starsmith; and Will.I.Am collaboration ‘Live Tonight’ boasts a moderately sweet melody (albeit AutoTuned to the max).
Meanwhile, ‘Everyone’ is somewhat rescued by Dizzee Rascal’s unmistakable flow, with the grime hitmaker deserving extra props for being able to write a verse to a song with such a brain-crushingly vague premise. ‘Let’s Get Down’ is based on equally mindless drivel, but in fairness, I’d much rather hear faintly thumping pseudo dance beats on a song about “chillin’ with the ladies” in da club than have them paired up with inane chatter about blue jays and bumblebees. On ‘The Flood’, Cole manages to form an entire song out of tired oceanside analogies. ‘Nuff said.
So, if you skim over a few dud tracks, drown out the cliched lyrics and overlook the team of arbitrary producers giving the 1980s a too-obvious facelift, parts of Messy Little Raindrops are inoffensive and kinda cute. And really, was there any reason for us to expect more from Ms. Cole?
Key Track: ‘Let’s Get Down’