Kylie

Excelsior! Someone has rediscovered the lost city of Atlantis and hoisted it onto the O2 stage for my amusement, complete with Trojan-era architecture and sexy, gyrating townspeople! Let us boogie like ‘tis 432 BC!
Forgive me, but there’s so much going on up there, I’ve forgotten that there’s a long-serving pop princess to be fawned over. When Kylie Minogue finally takes to the stage in a giant, gilded clam (note: it won’t be the first giant, gilded somethingorother she appears in tonight), my jaw physically drops... and keeps dropping for the next 120 marvellously ludicrous minutes.
Kylie’s $60 million-grossing Showgirl Tour set a new precedent for grandiose pop shows back in 2005, while KylieX2008 was an even more extravangant extravaganza, spanning several time-periods over eight precisely-themed “acts”. But even by this overachieving Aussie’s standards, the Aphrodite les Folies show is hugely ambitious. Fusing the twin inspirations of Greek mythology and the celebrated 1945 MGM musical Ziegfield Follies is no small task.
Luckily, after a total of 12 concert tours, Ms. Minogue knows exactly what she wants... and what she wants is a ginormous 20ft bust of her own head. You guessed it – no luxury is spared in this neo-classical wet dream, and absolutely nobody is complaining. After all, it wouldn’t be a Kylie party without a host of needlessly flamboyant toys (in this case, an enormous gold Pegasus figurine and a human harp).
Clearly, Aphrodite les Folies was put together by the best creative team money can buy – the choreography is top-notch, costumes by Dolce & Gabbana are nothing short of phenomenal, and the wildly contorting ribbon dancers are some of the most impressive performers I’ve seen.
But it’s not all sweat and breastplate burns. While her 16-strong troop of move-busters are dangling, two at a time, on a piece of string, Kylie solicits help to walk down the stairs. She also gets ferried across the stage on a chariot and flown to the roof of the arena on the back of a sexy, winged Adonis.
For all the rippling abs and glistening man-flesh, it’s a pretty sophisticated affair (there’s not a single cry of “Toga! Toga! Toga!”). The impossibly chic finale, based around new track ‘All The Lovers’, channels a 1950s aquamusical, with Kylie giving her best Esther Williams impression without even getting wet.
As you may imagine, the music takes a back carriage – so distracting is Kylie’s pack of flamenco gimps that the whole thing tends to feel like a very clever, two-hour long remix. Unexpected highlights include explosive torch song ‘Slow’ and stomping disco hit ‘Wow’, even if Kylie’s voice is the only thing on stage that lacks sparkle.
Then again, there’s a reason that this particular 42-year-old is the only girl on the planet who gets to travel by personal Icarus – the miniature minx has infinite amounts of charm and zero creative limitations.
She barely dances and she cannot sing, but at this particular moment, Kylie’s Aphrodite les Folies is, wings down, the greatest show on earth.