It s ONLY a game show

One of my all-time favourite films is A Prayer For The Dying, Mickey Rourke s insightful mid-eighties contribution to the silver screen s representation of the Troubles. In the course of the flick, Mickey murders a bus full of school children, various members of the London gangland, and a Belfast accent, while falling madly in love with a blind church organist. Bob Hoskins, meanwhile, plays a retired SAS man who is now a member of the clergy. In one scene, in full clerical garb, he batters two heavies with a bin-lid. As you can see, it s a quality show.

I ve always had a fondness for Troubles trash. I don t know if it s the anguished across the barricades hamming ( Billy, I luv ya like, but our Danny wud kill me if he knew I was seeing a Praaattesen ), the Bay City Rollers haircuts, or the inevitable appearance of Tiger Feet in sectarian murder scenes, but the generic awfulness yields much in the way of casual entertainment.
Which is why my heart leapt when I heard that Andrew Lloyd Webber and Ben Elton were planning to co-write a musical about (cue mournful pipes) The War. When it emerged that they based their story on Belfast s famous, cross-community Star Of The Sea football club, I crossed my fingers and imagined a mixture of Resurrection Man, Escape To Victory, and Springtime For Hitler. Depending on how they played their hand, we could seriously be looking at the Kane of shite Norn Irish drama.
I was hoping to book my seat in the front row.
But then Lord Andrew dropped the following bombshell.
I didn t want to host the premier in Belfast because that would have just presented the idea that The Beautiful Game is specifically about Belfast and its problems.
Love the use of just ! On the one hand, the desire to remove as many recognisable Northern Irish features from Northern Irish dramas as possible is the sign of truly top-notch shite, and the fact that The Beautiful Game is skipping down that path can only mean that its potential for legendary crapness looks to have been fulfilled. But, on the other, we re obviously going to have to go all the way to London to revel in it.
Frankly, I feel let down.
However, thank the lord we have more than enough to occupy our poor selves with over the coming few weeks.
It s Belfest time again, after all, and, judging by the line-up, this year s event looks set to be the best yet. The usual rules apply. Ten days from October 5th until October 15th. Lots of showcase gigs (11th & 12th) splattered around the city centre, where the best local bands batter one another for your attention. The odd debate and seminar hosted by a music biz luminary. And some choice friendly faces from other necks of other woods.
Stand-outs? For a full itinerary check out the website on www.belfest.com , but can I suggest Roo Nation, Calibre and Kato at the Menagerie on the 15th? Desert Hearts and Life Without Buildings on the 9th in Morrisons? Or David Kitt and Glen Hansard at the same venue three nights previously? Personally, I m looking forward to Factory main-man Anthony Wilson at the Empire on the 9th.
Expect lots of pithy Situ pontificating and some snappy suits.
A sampler CD featuring lots of the bands playing at this year s events should be available around now for 99p. Invest.
More fun is to be had when St George s Market plays host to the Red Bull Stimulation Festival from October 11-26. Well worth a visit is Let s Get Thrilled: Ulster Club Art 1988-2000 , an exhibition concentrating on flyers, posters and visuals from the earliest Acid House days and up to the present. Amongst those whose work will be featured is Homer-collaborator Glenn Leyburn, and graffiti artist and all-round shaker Keith Connolly.
The exhibition runs from the 17th to the 19th, while the following evening sees a celebratory, one-off club night that promises, with the help of some of the most influential founding movers (Alan Ferris, Iain McCready and more), to trace the development of the Belfast dance scene, and pay tribute to the likes of Sugar Sweet and Choice. Unmissable.
Admission for all events (including the Subtext spoken word night on the 15th, and the Halloween family carnival on the 14th) is free.
On the releases front, Foam let loose their latest, and by some way their most impressive, record to date. The last time Hit The North spoke to the Portadown duo all the talk was of economising and stripping back. No more CDs crammed full of tracks. It was time to slim-down and concentrate on the short, sharp shock. Then Geoff and Al got their hands on The Magnetic Fields wonderful 69 Love Songs and, wouldn t you know it, their next release sees them release a double CD of twenty four songs. And thank god. Condition Of The Heart is easily their best release yet lovelorn, inventive and frequently traffic stopping. For a copy contact [email protected].
And I haven t even got round to mentioning the imminent arrival of Beth Orton (Elmwood Hall, November 1st & 2nd), Jonathan Richman (Limelight 9th November), and (hooray) Teenage Fanclub (Limelight, October 27th). Or the Snow Patrol single. Or the Crash Daddy stuff.
It looks as if Andrew and Ben are going to have to excuse my absence for a while. Cross your fingers their show doesn t go tits up before I get a chance to see it.