12 Step Planet: London

How do I get there?
You could swim, but best leave stunts like that to trained professionals like David Walliams and Ronan Keating. The ferry may have been the musician’s old mode of preference. But be warned, the trip can take up to eight hours. At the moment, the new three-times-daily Dublin to London Southend service, Aer Lingus Regional, is by far the best bet. Operated by Aer Arann, this route is pocket-friendly, priced from €25.99 one way including taxes, and promises startling speed in getting from A to B, including 15 minutes from plane door to city centre train (when travelling with hand luggage only) and a maximum four-minute queue for security. Sportsfans should note that London Southend is the only airport in the UK with a direct mainline rail connection with the Olympic Games at Stratford. Aer Lingus Regional also operates twice daily services from Waterford to London Southend (once daily on Saturdays). For bookings, see aerlingus.com.

What’s the exchange rate like these days?
At the time of writing, a euro gets you 80 glorious pence, but it’s worth observing that the 2012 average so far has been a little higher, about 83p to the euro. It’s a tricky conversion to get your head around, but while it’s easy to fall into the trap of shrugging off the difference, there’s some comfort to be gleaned from the fact that on average, pints are almost a euro cheaper in the UK.

When should I go?
Apart from, maybe September 2, 1666 (something about a great fire that doesn’t sound that great, actually), there’s never a bad time to visit the most historically and culturally rich city in the UK. Because it’s only across the pond, the smartypants way to plan a trip to London is to keep an eye on sites like timeout.com/london and lecool.com/london for what gigs, plays, exhibitions, and festivals are coming up and organise yourself around that. If you hadn’t already heard, the Olympic Games are setting up shop on July 27.

Festivals, you say?
Dear oh dear, we’ve already missed the British Biscuit festival, but there’s still plenty to look forward to this Summer, including (deep breath!) Lovebox in Victoria Park (June 15 to 17, with Grace Jones, Lana Del Rey, Chaka Khan and more), Wireless (July 6 to 8, with Drake, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and more) and Hard Rock Calling (July 13 to 15, with Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon, Soundgarden and more), both in Hyde Park, Radio 1’s Hackney Weekend (July 23 and 24, with Jay-Z, Rihanna, Florence + The Machine and more) in the Hackney Marshes, BluesFest (June 30 to July 6, with Tom Jones, Van Morrison, Erykah Badu and more) in various venues, and electronic festival Bloc (July 6, with Richie Hawtin, Flying Lotus, Gary Numan and more) in the London Pleasure Gardens. Non-musical extravaganzas include Taste Of London (June 21 to 24) in Regent’s Park, the London Festival Of Architecture (June 23 to July 8, various venues), the UK’s biggest poetry festival, Southbank Centre’s Poetry Parnassus (June 26 to July 1, Southbank Centre), the London Literature Festival (July 3 to 15, Southbank Centre), the Lollibop Kids’ Festival (August 17 to 19, Regent’s Park), the Grenwich Comedy Festival (July 13 to 20, Old Royal Naval College), the Latin-American Carnaval Del Pueblo (August 19, Burgess Park) and the London Design Festival (September 14 to 23, various venues). Do look out for the Nomad roaming cinema, which comes to various park during the summer months for screenings of The Goonies, Casablanca, The Shining, The Artist and more.

Phew, that’s a lot to take in. Anything I really shouldn’t miss?
A handful of artists are skipping Ireland on the European leg of their tours, making London the closest spot to see shows by Erykah Badu (June 27, Hammersmith Apollo), Regina Spektor (June 2, The Royal Albert Hall), Gossip (July 5, O2 Shepherd’s Bush), Eddie Vedder (July 30, Hammersmith Apollo), Tenacious D (The O2 Academy Brixton) and loads of others. The London Coliseum is also the only place to see Dr Dee, Damon Albarn and Rufus Norris’s feted contemporary opera (June 25 to July). Shoe fetishists mustn’t skip the Christian Louboutin exhibition at the Design Museum (until July 8) and fashion fans, the Victoria and Albert Museum is your bestest friend (its Ballgowns: British Glamour since 1950 and Hollywood Costume exhibitions run until January 2013). Theatre buffs, the Queen’s personal fave is War Horse (until October 26, the New London Theatre), but we’ve been hearing wildly wonderful things about Laura Wade’s political drama Posh (until August 4, Duke of York’s Theatre).

What are the touristy things to do?
As a rule, there are two ways to see London, as a tourist or as a native so preferably, make the time to do both. As a tourist, you’ll need to tick off The London Eye, Buckingham Palace, The Tower Of London, Madame Tussauds and at least one West End show (we’re itching to see the Tim Minchin-penned Matilda The Musical...)

I say, old bean, I could be British...
All right, then. For a local’s day off, pay a visit to the wonderful Tate Modern in the morning, stroll on up to the Borough Market for lunch (the chorizo sandwich at Brindisa is nigh-on legendary) and finish off the afternoon with a pint and the match in Tabard St.’s Royal Oak. The day’s not over yet though, you still have to tube it up to Camden or Soho for a spot of bar-hopping. For a vintage night out, try Die Freche Muse, a modern travelling speakeasy inspired by 1920’s Berlin (see diefrechemuse.co.uk for upcoming locations) or, for a gawk at the UK’s Godzilla-sized dub scene, check out XOXO in Islington. If you’re not too hungover the next day, exercise your haggling muscles at the famed Portobello Market, conveniently located beside Adele’s old place of work, the iconic Rough Trade Store on Talbot Road. Hey, Londoners see London too,
you know...

What about grub?
Don’t leave Foggy city until sampling the delights of Soho’s Spanish eaterie Copita, Oxford St.-adjacent noodle house Koya or Elliot’s Cafe in the aforementioned Borough Market, all of which will feed you comfortably for £30. For the sweet of tooth, the gelato at Gelupo in Piccadilly Circus is nothing short of mind-blowing.

What should I bring home?
Some of that delightfully horrid royal family memorabilia, just for kicks. Grab me another Kate and Wills mug while you’re at it.

What should I avoid?
Too much hustle and bustle. As with any city, the tourist spots quickly become black holes where all time and money disappear, so don’t get too caught up in the London 2012 madness. That old chestnut about taking everything in moderation comes in handy here; for example, balance out your cruise on the Thames with a street art trail in Shoreditch.

What’s my challenge?
To inflitrate a paparazzi pic of a Z-list celebrity with a glorious photobomb and upload it to your Facebook for all to see. You can’t move for Daily Mail regulars on London’s heaving streets...