12 Step Planet: Cork

Where exactly is it?
Would you get away with yourself, boy! Everyone knows Cork is at the centre of the universe, though if you are coming from Jackeenland you’ll find it at the end of the M8 motorway.
How do I get there?
Cork International Airport has daily flights to Dublin and London. There are also flights several times a week to Edinburgh, Bristol, Bordeaux, Glasgow, Lisbon, Manchester , Milan, Munich, Newcastle and other locations. The hourly Cork-Dublin train service serves Kent station (15 minutes from downtown) whilst the city plugs into the Bus Éireann national network, via Cork Bus Station at Parnell Place. In addition, Cork connects to the continent via Brittany Ferries.
What language do they speak?
A superior dialect of English known as Corkonian. Popular phrases include ‘dowthca boy’ (well done, old chap), the gache of ya! (why, pray tell, are you dressed in that manner?) ‘bushing’ (al fresco tippling) and ‘langer’ (if you don’t know what this means you probably are one). Oh and under no account refer to a hurley as a ‘hurl’. Doing so will only mark you out as a dribbling bogtrotter from the wilds of North Munster/South West Leinster. Or, worse yet, a Blaah.
What is the local beer like?
Barack should have told the Secret Service to keep driving south. If it was a decent pint of stout he was looking for, he’d have been blown away by Cork’s two favourite brews, Beamish and Murphy’s. Both have their advocates, though for this writer, Beamish’s creamy, bitter finish trumps Murphy’s sweeter tang. Unlike Dublin, there is also a thriving craft brew scene with Blarney Blonde, Rebel Red and other beers widely available. Cork is also the only city on the planet where pubs still serve pint bottles of Carling.
Other drinks?
Thirteen miles down the road, Midleton is home to Irish Distillers and the super-exclusive Midleton Olde Rare Whiskey, a bottle of which will set you back in excess of €100. It’s worth ordering a shot, though – the taste is smoother than you thought whiskey could get. If that doesn’t satisfy, there is the even more top-drawer Dungourney 1964 – yours for €500 a bottle. For a non-alcoholic kick, Cork Coffee Roasters produces a range of blends, available from its café at Bridge Street. Their Morning Growler would put a spring in the step of a marble statue.
What’s the transport like?
Better than Dublin, if that’s what you are asking. Cork City Council was one of the first in the country to pioneer park and ride services whilst Bus Éireann’s urban network is extensive (real time bus information is due to be rolled out this year). Commuter rail serves the local towns of Mallow, Cobh and Midleton.
What’s the food like?
Traditional Cork dishes such as tripe and drisheen and crubeens (pigs trotters) are beloved of local historians but you won’t see many punters lining up to buy them at the English Market. What you will see are punters availing of some of the country’s finest seafood, fresh off the trawler from West Cork, as well as a range of artisan cheeses and yoghurts from the same part of the world. On the restaurant front, Café Paradiso on Western Road is acknowledged to be Ireland’s finest vegetarian restaurant. If you prefer a decent brunch, try any of the hip eateries along French Church Street. Or, for a trip out of town, visit the acclaimed restaurants in neighbouring Kinsale – Jim Edwards’ is a favourite of Tori Amos who keeps a house locally. Or head east to Youghal, where Aherne’s seafood restaurant has a well deserved international reputation. On the way, stop for a pint at the famous Batt Murphy’s in Midleton.
What’s the nightlife like?
If you’re looking for the local version of Copperface Jack’s, try the huge Rearden’s pub/club complex at the bottom of Washington Street. Cooler kids will seek out the historic Freakscene indie night. 14 years on the go, the Wednesday night club started at the much mourned Sir Henry’s and is currently at its fifth home, Gorby’s on Oliver Plunkett Street. For something more cutting edge, The Pavilion, at Carey’s Lane just off Patrick Street, hosts house and funk nights and live performances in its stunning first floor venue. On the bar front, Cork has a fast-moving drinking scene. Current favourites include the Mutton Lane Inn, again off Patrick Street, and Crane Lane around the corner from the General Post Office on Oliver Plunkett Street. A well-kept secret is Bradley’s, a beautifully restored ‘aul fellas’ pub on Barrack Street. For something different, make your way to the Cork Cricket Club at the Mardyke, where you can chug a Murphs and watch men in all white yell arcane terminology at one another, all in the shadow of some of the Northside’s most stunning architecture.
Why should I go?
While many Irish cities – we’re thinking of one in particular – can feel like low-rent versions of any British provincial conurbation, Cork is a place unto itself, with the influence of centuries of close ties with the continent coursing through its veins. If you didn’t know, you could walk through central Dublin thinking you were in Leeds or Birmingham. You’ll never make that mistake down south.
What are the touristy things to do?
If you are a tourist, you’ll probably use Cork as a base for visits to Blarney Castle and tours of West Cork and Kerry. In the city itself, Cork City Gaol offers an insight into the history of the city, while the Cork Butter Museum whisks you back to the age when Leeside was Europe’s largest butter market. A visit to Fitzgerald’s Park and St. Fin Barre’s Cathedral will also probably be on the cards, though if you see the golden angel at the top of the latter blowing his trumpet, run – it means the world is about to end.
Anything else?
Ireland’s most successful sporting county, Cork is home to the current All-Ireland football champions. In addition to hurling and football, many of Munster’s best-known players chose to make their home in the city. And, despite languishing in the second tier of the League of Ireland, Cork City FC are one of the country’s best supported soccer sides. They play at Turner’s Cross stadium, a 15-minute walk from downtown. If you are attending a game on Friday night, be sure to pop into Turner’s Cross Tavern or the Evergreen to enjoy the pre-game atmosphere.
Anything to avoid?
Like most Irish towns and cities, Cork can get a little hairy after the pubs close, so keep your wits about you. Obviously there are sketchy neighbourhoods also so keep your eyes open if you are leaving the city centre.
What should I bring home?
A Cork City replica jersey, something sweet from the Chocolate Shop at the English Market, some decent tunes from Plugd Music, in the new Triskel Arts Centre, at the restored 18th century Christchurch on South Main Street, a cool surf T-shirt from Prime Time on Washington Street.