THE WIRELESS KNOB

there may not be many people in the Howard Stern league of superstardom who could be bothered to spend their time answering questions via satellite link-up to a crew of assembled Irish hacks, but on this particular pissing-wet summer s afternoon in Blanchardstown, Stern sounds positively enthusiastic. After all, he s got a worldwide movie about himself to promote, and self-promotion is what he s about.
Although European audiences have been generally spared the guy s presence until now, Howard Stern is hoping to establish himself as a genuine global phenomenon with the release of Private Parts, the autobiographical film that furnishes us with the story of his meteoric rise so far.
Stateside, he s already as big as Coca-Cola, thanks to a twenty-year career during which he has enthralled, educated and enlightened his listeners by rambling on inanely about bodily functions, inviting people to phone in and masturbate, joking about his beloved wife s miscarriage, and that kind of thing.
However depressing it might be, there is no denying the cultural significance of Howard Stern: for hundreds of thousands of blue-collar Newt Gingrich fans and the like, life would lose much of its meaning without Howard to brighten up the mornings, much in the same way that the average Longford female in her sixties would find life without Gay Byrne almost impossible to contemplate.
Howard Stern, of course, is one of the most modest, unassuming and self-effacing men in the world of show-business.
So, when it s put to him that the film is an unbelievably self-satisfied slice of hagiography, Howard refutes the charge vigorously, arguing that the movie is a very balanced warts-and-all portrayal of the real Howard Stern . . .
Well, I don t know that my perception was to be complimentary to myself, he explains. I think there are many moments that are quite telling, and not at all complimentary, I think talking about your wife s miscarriage on air, for one. I don t that that it portrays me as a wonderful human being, if that s what you mean; I think the movie s realistic.
It certainly doesn t portray my marriage as the ideal marriage: I ve certainly portrayed my wife by rolling around on the floor with other women, and she does not like it, she has to turn the radio off in front of her friends. I just thought telling the truth would be the most interesting of movies, because it s kind of odd, my life, it s a schizophrenic kinda life, where on minute you re this madman, and one minute you re playing this role of Father Of The Year.
Howard ascribes his massive popularity to an ability to vocalise what other, less articulate souls are thinking.
I really just wanted to do a funny morning programme, to actually let your thoughts out on the air, everything you were thinking inside your head. Now some people found that kind of honesty shocking, so they called me a shock-jock. That was not the intent, I never went on the air to shock people. If I went on the radio to shock people, I could just say a couple of dirty words.
I ve had a twenty-year career when I ve been entertaining audiences, and getting millions of listeners. I have to say, it s a little more than shock that gets people to tune in, there s gotta be something about you, there must be something compelling going on. And what I think is really going on is this brutal honesty, and a lot of people relate to it, because they go gee, I m thinking the same thing, and I m afraid to say it .
PENIS JOKES
Despite his successful recent forays into print (he has written a book about himself) and cinema, radio remains Howard s favourite medium, although he is baffled by the opprobrium his show attracts from the intelligentsia, given that his book and his movie were so critically acclaimed.
I think radio is what I do best, although when I wrote my book I got really good reviews, and when I did the movie I got really good reviews. And yet, the critics absolutely hate my radio show cause they think it s so disgusting. I m always shocked by that.
Roseanne Barr described Howard as a sexist, homophobic, racist motherfucker . How does he plead?
| m not sure that Roseanne s statements are inaccurate. I cold be all of those things. Roseanne and I are very good friends now, Roseanne loves the show. At the time she said that, I had said some harsh things about her husband. I got on the air and said, doesn t Roseanne realise that this marriage is never gonna last, that Tom Arnold doesn t love her for who she is? and she got really upset, and said those things about me. And you know what? After she divorced her husband, she got on the air and said you know what? You were the only one warning me! You were right! I shoulda listened to you! I guess that s another example of how my honesty somehow rubs people the wrong way, but then eventually it turns out I m right.
Pressed a little further on the sexism/racism/homophobia charge, Howards sang-froid seems to evaporate slightly. I don t hate blacks, I don t hate gays, and I certainly don t hate women, he says. I m a satirist, a humourist, and I make people laugh in the mornings.
What made Howard decide to make the film?
It was Hollywood. They came to me. They said gee, your book sold so well, your story is interesting, we want to put it on film . I said great !
With time rapidly running out, HP s Barry Glendenning asks whether there s any truth in the rumour that Radio Ireland have approached Howard with a view to licensing his show in Ireland. Does he think it would work here?
I believe the show would work in Ireland. I wasn t aware of that deal that you were talking about, cause my agent handles all that stuff, but I d love to be on in Ireland. And I ll tell you this. Even in the United States, when they were syndicating my show, there was always all this ohh, the show won t work in the Midwest, the show won t work in the Deep South . The same could be said about Ireland: I m sure it will work.
People love to laugh, they love the openness. I think it s a universal theme, I think people will enjoy the discussion of current events. I think it would do tremendously well in Ireland, and it s unfortunate that I m not on over there. Why shouldn t I be? Why shouldn t the people in Ireland get exposed to this stuff?
Who would you rather shag on air, one of the more thoughtful journalists at the conference inquires, Dolores O Riordan or Siniad O Connor?
Well, I m a real big fan of Siniad O Connor. I love her. I like her rebellious spirit. One day years ago I was in this hotel in Los Angeles and there was this bald-headed woman with a big tattoo on the side of her bald head, and she was swimming in the pool and she had a beautiful body. So if Siniad O Connor wanted to make love, I d be into that.
And, finally, how does Howie feel about all the so-called shock-jocks that sprang up just after him?
I guess on some level, I m miserable about it, he testifies, this is why I started syndicating my radio show, and perhaps this is why I m happy the movie s out, so I can sort of lay claim to what I did. (Resentfully) Whatever I did in New York, suddenly there d be some guy in Chicago imitating me and claiming that he has invented himself this way. What they re essentially doing is stealing my personality. It makes me sad that some people still don t know that I m an innovator. (Pause). An innovator of penis jokes.
But whatever I ve done for radio, and opened up the airwaves, I would like to take credit for that. I would like people to know I did that. n