The 1500th Edinburgh festival is in full swing so I thought I’d keep you informed as to how some of the Irish lads are getting on.

Karl Spain is putting on a show called Dirty Limerick which is an hour of rhyming couplets starting with the opening line, ‘There was a young man from Raheen’, to the closing line which obviously I won’t reveal here but you can rest assured that it really is quite obscene.
Colin Murphy is doing the same show he does every year in Edinburgh. The show runs for twenty hours a day every day during the festival. It’s a performance art piece which involves Colin running around Edinburgh trying to avoid talking to any media types, keeping his tongue well away from anyone’s ass and generally relaxing and having a good time … while carrying a shoulder bag.
Eddie Bannon, Brendan Dempsey and Ian Coppinger are performing a show together. I can’t remember what it’s called, something to do with Russian Dolls I think. The show consists of Eddie eating Ian and then Brendan eating Eddie. Then he goes off and drinks 10 pints of Hoegarden and pukes them up in the Pleasance courtyard at 4am.
Brendan and Ian will spend the rest of the festival showing their ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ co-star Christian Slater what drinking whiskey is all about.
Des Bishop is doing a show in which he describes what he went through for his latest documentary. He spent one week as an anal fissure on a housewife from Bundoran. Another week as a veruka on a farmer from Tipp. Another as some trapped wind in a cocker spaniel. And the final week listening to the Sawdoctors or something.
David O’Doherty’s show is funnier and more ironic than any malarky I could make up here so I won’t bother. Although it’s probably called ‘Fuzzy Felt’.
Festival favourite Jason Byrne takes on the title role in Demitri Dhorsky’s production of Hamlet as part of the International Festival. I can picture it now. “To be or not to be, that is the question, whether it is nobler in the … where the fuck are you going. Get back here. Ni Na Noo, Ni Na Noo” etc.
Bob Reilly performs his first one man show at Edinburgh. It’s called ‘How Do You Like Those Apples’. When the audience get to the venue there will be sign on the door that says, “I’m not here I’ve got a real job and a real life. I’m having a ball and I just got engaged to a beautiful woman. Also I’m funnier than all you fuckers put together could ever hope to be.”
I will be performing in Edinburgh from the 18 to the 22 of August but I’m fucked if I’m telling you lot where and when. It will sell out anyway.
If you can’t make it to the Edinburgh Festival fear not. Aer Rianta are putting on a massive completely free Comedy Festival in the Long Term Car Park at Dublin Airport. Like at the old drive-in movies, you just drive in, park up and enjoy the show. Entrance is completely free. Highlights include Tommy Tiernan performing a 7 day set in the K zone. Billy Connelly performs a 12 day set at the T zone. The late Bill Hicks heads a 9 day extravaganza down at the Y zone. Plus much, much more.
Patrons should note that parking fees for the entire festival could exceed €350 per car.
Spokesman for Aer Rianta, Ronnie Rianta explained, “Well we thought we’d better diversify: there’s only so many times you can kick a stupid dog before he bites you. We’ve been giving the Irish public a good kicking now for many years and we feel there might be a wind of change coming. Recently we noticed that a man whose car park fee was 22 times the price of his Ryanair flight was tutting very loudly as he handed over his money.”
“Dopey fucking twats”, he added before throwing his tiara in the bin.
The wonderful world of Irish comedy. Sure isn’t it marvellous, you couldn’t make it up; you really couldn’t.