The journey behind Megalopolis has all the makings of a fable. That is, as fans will know, feels particularly appropriate for Francis Ford Coppola.

He is the director of three of the greatest films of all time – and yet this is an idea that was an unprecedented forty years in the making. Add to the mix that it is a self-funded passion project, with Coppola investing a staggering $120 million of his own money into the film; and the crazy rumours that hyped it diversely as the best or most bizarre thing to hit cinemas in decades, and – as you might imagine – tickets to the world premiere in Cannes were like gold dust.

Indeed, excited cinephiles began queuing at 2am in the hope of gaining entry to the screening of what is 2024’s biggest cinematic gamble, with less than twenty seats to go around. So was it all in vain? Is Megalopolis truly a film for the ages? A good question…

HOLLYWOOD LEGENDS
Megalopolis centres around two warring men, mayor Franklyn Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito) and architect Cesar Catilina (Adam Driver), who have very different visions for the future of the city of New Rome. Franklyn wants current society, and the associated order, to continue.

However, Cesar seeks to forge a utopia using the mysterious material “Megalon” – the secret ingredient for making a better world, apparently, even if it requires the destruction of the current one.

The opening finds Cesar balancing precariously on the edge of a ledge. It is a grandiose, sweeping shot: no other scene in the film achieves that magnificence again. The sets grow gaudy, the CGI is glaringly obvious. Everything is cast in a golden light. Even the camerawork remains strangely static. The camera is often at a distance, even in scenes where the characters converse or argue, and it seems to linger too long. There is the expectation of a close-up, or a shift in the angle, but alas, nothing much occurs.

The rules of basic continuity are flouted. A character will be facing one direction in a scene and, in the next cut, be facing the other.

The actors give what feels like stilted and lifeless performances. This could perhaps be attributed to the technical work required to create a given scene. Or it could be a stylistic device.

At one point, Driver screams repeatedly. Julia (Nathalie Emmanuel’s) complete lack of reaction to this contributes a bizarre veneer to the scene, which has all the makings of a future meme.

The cast includes a scattering of Hollywood legends and some fresher faces, yet I found it hard to distinguish one from another. They talk in downbeat tones, references to Marcus Aurelius and Shakespeare abound – but the words in the moment are difficult to make sense of. It all ends up sounding pretentious.

FLASHES BREFLY
There are characters with an element of intrigue to them, notably anchor Wow Platinum (Aubrey Plaza), Clodio (Shia LaBeouf) and banker Crassus (Jon Voight), who are engaged in an odd love triangle. Plaza offers flavour as the vivacious Platinum, irritated at her falling ratings and seeking long-term financial security in Crassus who is decades her senior.

She brings some charisma to the screen, but it is hard to know at times whether to laugh or not. Perhaps it’s a by-product of Plaza’s comedic background, but any scene involving her character feels like it could fit into Parks and Recreation. Maybe I am bring unfair, but I find it hard to detach Plaza from her lighter characters unless she plays it creepy à la Ingrid Goes West.

Shia LaBeouf also offers some engagement as the cross-dressing Clodio, a disruptive, chaotic individual who engages in Trump-style tactics in a bid to become a third participant in the political race. Yet, once again, the feeling surfaces: is he meant to be taken seriously?

Did Coppola intend for him to be a goofy one-dimensional villain? You’d think not with the script – but the characters engage in BDSM foreplay that makes you question if you’re watching the same film as earlier.

The movie’s central characters of Julia, Franklyn and Cesar offer no relief. Driver’s tortured Cesar is still in anguish over the death of his wife – in which he may or may not have been involved. Julia, Franklyn’s daughter, causes disruption when she falls for Cesar in what seems to be a kind of tribute to Romeo and Juliet, but it is not easy to fathom why she would like him. Cesar is dry and witless, his only distinctive trait being his architectural abilities.

Then again, there is neither rhyme nor reason to explain megalon, and why exactly it can create everything Cesar has imagined. Indeed, there’s one scene where America’s Got Talent sensation Grace Vanderwaal serenades a stadium and four versions of her appear to harmonise with her singing. How megalon does this is not explained. It just is.

Speaking of Vanderwaal, after a scandal she flashes briefly on screen, dressed in black clothing and punk make-up, singing for a few seconds before she disappears for the rest of film. There is an aura of camp-ness to it all.

PET PROJECT
Julia’s interest in Cesar begins when she sees him pause time as a building collapses. There is no explanation as to how or why Cesar can do this either, but it lights the spark between them. Julia begins to work as a publicist for Cesar, while her father rebukes her for their relationship from the sidelines.

Everyone moves on rather quickly, focused on the building of Megalopolis – and the inevitable dissidence that erupts among civilians as their city is being torn apart. The problem is that Julia and Cesar’s relationship is never believable, although perhaps they’re best suited to each other because no-one else would date either of them.

Am I being unkind again? In fairness, there are hints of goodness in here. It is an ambitious film which is probably going to be the core defence mounted by fans against naysayers.

Additionally, there is one lengthy sequence in which Cesar, drugged out of his mind, hallucinates – paving the way for truly stunning, trippy visuals inter-spliced with the chaos of what’s happening outside.

You might wonder why we don’t see more of that. Unfortunately Coppola’s pet project remains bogged down in its monologues – characters talking a lot while saying little, against dull backgrounds and oddly discordant jazz music.

It is not fun dissing Megalopolis. I think most critics in Cannes would have preferred it to be the marvel Coppola was aiming for. But perhaps any idea that stews for forty years becomes so fractured it’s difficult to salvage.

At the moment, getting a U.S distributor for the film seems to be a struggle for Coppola. But Megalopolis will surely hit Irish screens at some stage. Viewers will either laugh at the bizarreness of it all or recognise some genius that’s invisible to me. But in its own perverse way, you could say that conundrum makes it is worth seeing.

Maybe it is just a bump in the road before Francis Ford Coppola’s next film. Even at 85, he is showing no signs of stopping. To which one can only add: good luck to him. Now, let’s talk about Apocalypse Now…