How To Get A Blowjob In One Easy Lesson
Men love blowjobs (and would you blame them?). But not all women love giving them. So what do you do if you partner is a little bit on the reluctant side? Here, Anne Sexton offers a special Eight Step Guide to helping the object of your sexual desire the learn to love going down.
Anne Sexton, 18 May 2005
Men. In general, they are a pretty quarrelsome bunch! Give them a topic like politics, religion or football and they’ll merrily argue for hours. However, ask for their feelings about blowjobs and they stand united. They love them.
Women, on the other hand, have mixed feelings about getting personal with a man’s privates. For some women, giving head is the one of the best sexual trips. Being in control and giving such intense pleasure to your partner is a real turn-on. And if that wasn’t enough, the gratitude afterwards ensures you not only feel like a sex goddess, but you are treated as one too.
If all women felt this way, men would spend a lot more time on their backs and have a lot less time on their hands. However, for a great number of women, the whole idea of blowjobs is a bit icky. Therefore the demand tends to outstrips the supply. This is unsound sexual economics and I hope I can help redress the imbalance.
Any woman can learn to love going down if you – that’s members of the male strain of the species! – adhere to a few simple rules.
Rule 1: Cleanliness is next to Godliness
A gentleman should never arrive for a sexual liaison without having a scrub up. To do so is not only inconsiderate, it’s plain stupid. Women often shy away from oral sex because of the idea that it may be dirty. While some men are filling the coffers of international companies with their dedication to toiletries, others have a much more relaxed attitude to personal grooming. A woman may well be prepared to suck on your pee-pee as long as she is not sucking on your pee, especially day old pee. And sweat. Not sexy, not alluring.
Rule 2: Don’t Push your Luck
Holding hands is lovely and romantic. Having someone hold your head isn’t. Next to farting, head holding is probably the most inconsiderate thing a bloke can do during oral sex. It’s an insult to an independent spirit, and it makes gagging almost inevitable. If you want it faster or deeper a simply request will suffice.
Rule 3: Don’t Thrust your Instincts
A man’s natural sexual response is to thrust. However, it’s also a natural response to gag when a large object is shoved down your throat. Therefore wild freestyle thrusting needs to be controlled during oral sex, especially with an inexperienced woman. Once your partner gets used to you, you can take it up a notch. Easy does it, boys.
Rule 4: RSVP Please
If you are going to come, say so. Some women spit, others swallow, and some prefer to finish the proceedings with a hand job. Either way, most of us like to be warned in advance. Not just before, but with ample time so that we are free to finish the job in the way we see fit. Swallowing may be the cherry on top, but any blowjob is better than no blowjob – so it pays to be polite.
Rule 5: Tasty Treats
Semen may be full of protein, but as an appetizer it’s a disappointment. A good diet and plenty of water can do wonders for the taste of your spunk. You are what you eat! However, if changing your diet is unrealistic, introducing food and drink into the proceedings can offer a quick fix solution. Strong mints and liquids, particularly alcohol, can give a blowjob a whole new sensation – and they also help disguise the taste of sperm, making swallowing a whole lot pleasanter. Everyone’s a winner.
Rule 6: Lessons in Love
Very often women avoid blowjobs because they are scared of getting them wrong. In my inexperienced youth, a friend told me about getting a blowjob from a woman who tortured him with her teeth. He made it sound like the last days of the Spanish Inquisition and this put me off the idea for ages. If your female friend is a novice or just not doing it very effectively, some gentle instruction in the art of oral sex will generally be appreciated. If necessary, demonstrate using a banana or something similarly phallic. However, you need to be careful how you pitch it. For God’s sake don’t make it sound like criticism – especially while she has her teeth that close to your tender loins. If you slant your requests to sound like personal preferences, she won’t take offence and may well be eager to try out your suggestions on the spot.