Good morning pupils. My name is Dr Mary Sexologist Scholastica and I’ll be taking this fortnight’s class. Due to an unfortunate incident involving a rubber-jointed circus performer, an Elvis impersonator and a large tub of Haagen-Dazs, the lovely, although not utterly limber Ms Sexton, has done herself an injury and her typing fingers, apparently, are out of action.

Now according to her notes, I see you have covered a lot ground since January last year. You have discussed kinky sex, pornography, threesomes and a whole lot more besides. While it’s not my business to criticise my fellow academic, I do feel that perhaps she has rushed into certain advanced material without having given you a thorough grounding in what I consider the fundamentals of great sex. With all of that in mind, this week we shall examine Tantric sex, a phenomenon of Eastern origin about which you all deserve to know more.
So, first of all, what is it? Tantra is an ancient Hindu yoga practice that worships the union of man and woman. Its roots may be heterosexual, but many modern practitioners have adapted Tantric ideas for gay couples. Tantra’s main objective is to maintain sexual ecstasy in order to reach a higher spiritual state. This is done by mixing meditation with sex, in order to sustain arousal and achieve a state of prolonged bliss.
Any male keen to practice Tantric sex needs to learn how to delay orgasm. This may seem like a tall order to relative newcomers to sexual activity, but with a bit of practice even the most enthusiastic of lovers can make headway in this regard. There are a number of ways this can be achieved, but I don’t recommend picturing your granny as the ideal. I notice that Ms Sexton has taught you about Kegel exercises. These are very important, and I hope you’ve all been practicing regularly.
Very well, now that we’ve got the definition out of the way, how do you do it? I’m sure you’ve all heard of the ‘chakras’, the energy centres of the body. The body has six main charkas and these are at the base of the spine, naval, near the heart, on the throat, between the brows and of course, the genitals. Each chakra represents a gateway to our higher energies. The Tantric ritual aims to open up the chakras, in order to harmonise the flow of energy and achieve an elevated state. During Tantric sex, a couple shares their energies. Energy flows from one to the other in a circle.
All very interesting, you might say – but how do you make this happen?
Well, as a starting point, you need to be aware of yourself, and of your partner, as beings made up of mind, body and spirit. It’s odd, but it is perfectly possible to have sex without really noticing your or your partner’s bodies. Think of any drunken shag you may have had and you’ll know what I mean. Tantric sex demands both an appreciation of yourself and of your partner. I am not talking about love here, but about awareness. For Tantric sex to work, both partners need to involve their bodies, minds and spirits in the experience. You can leave your stilettos at the door, but a sense of humour and playfulness are useful.
Now, ladies and gentleman, I would never lecture you about morality. It’s a lost cause. As you well know. However, as you are supposed to bring the totality of both yourself and your partner to the, ahem, picnic, Tantric sex is not going to work with just anyone. You’ll need to be with someone you genuinely like and desire, and preferably know for longer than a few hours.
Now you’ve got the basic theory, here’s your homework for this week. The following are basic Tantric exercises. Sit facing your partner. Hold your hands out, with your fingers spread against your partners. With your mouths just touching, start a process of circular breathing, swapping air with your partner. Imagine energy flowing through your body, opening your chakras and forming a circle of energy with your partner. It’s important to keep your mind clear, so meditate on your breathing, and try not to get distracted. Try bathing together, and use massage, incense or candles to help you relax and set the mood.
After a while, you should begin to feel your senses and awareness of each other’s bodies heighten. You are also likely to feel a little light-headed. Whether this a result of spiritual energy flowing between you, or simply lack of oxygen from swapping breath, I don’t know, but either way, it feels really good.
Another technique worth trying is to do this breath/energy flow exercise but with the man’s penis just inside his partner’s vagina. Get comfortable. Don’t thrust or try to stimulate each other in any way. Keep still, and keep your mind clear. If you do this correctly, after as much as thirty to forty minutes, something strange and wonderful happens. You will feel a spontaneous rush of energy down your bodies thrusting the penis deeper inside the vagina. Although the exercise itself is quite simple, its tricky not to nod off as you are lying down. It took me a couple of tries to get this right, but it’s well worth it. Truly mind-blowing sex ensures, so even the laziest lovers can reach sexual paradise.
Obviously there is a lot more to Tantric sex than I have outlined here. To turn truly Tantric takes commitment and practice. These are just the basics to get you started. Once you’ve mastered these, please sign on for the advanced course later this year.
Class dismissed. Except for you Mr Thomson. Please come up here, right now…