But it remains to be seen if the farce against San Marino represents the nadir for the Republic of Ireland.

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"He felt the heat of the night/Hit him like a freight train moving/With a simple twist of fate…”

Anyone who thinks this shit is planned needs his or her head examined. Whether it’s bombs detonating in Baghdad or moments of high farce on a playing field somewhere in Europe, there is one common denominator that defines the lot. We are all, to one degree or another, products of chance and circumstance. There’s deathly serious stuff that happens just because someone is in the wrong place at the wrong time. And then there is the comedy of football.
In truth, the fortunes of the Irish international team don’t really matter a whole lot, not in the grand scheme of things. As a letter to the editor in this issue of hotpress points out, the equivalent of the Omagh bombing happens in Iraq more or less every day now. So on what scale of significance does a football game compute when there’s that sort of insanity to contend with? It’s a diversion, that’s all.
But people get very excited all the same, especially when things start to go wrong, as they have been for Ireland recently. You hear people on the radio, getting so worked up, you fear that they might just do someone damage, if they could only get within stone-throwing distance. Poor Steve Sataunton: there’s a hell of a lot of vitriol being aimed at him. Would it be possible to arrest some of the weirdos responsible on suspicion of planning to cause an affray? Unless Ireland’s footballing fortunes take a sharp turn for the better, it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be throwing missiles.
You think The Lord is up there watching over us? Well, then where was Steve’s own personal Jesus on the night that Ireland played San Marino? Nowhere to be seen.
There we were expecting a five or maybe a six goal rout. Easy stuff. Stroke the ball around. Be patient. The goals will come. You can imagine the words of wisdom that were imparted to the players in the pre-match pep talk. And then? We were treated to what was almost certainly the worst display ever by an Irish team. They were so bad, it was genuinely astonishing. Some of these guys are earning 50 grand a week for playing football – and yet here they were struggling against a team that hotpress Munchengladbach could probably take on a half-good day.
There was some chuckling to be done at half-time. Nil-nil. It was a bit of a joke, but it couldn’t stay that way. And it didn’t. Kevin Kilbane gave us the lead a few minutes into the second half. Now that the pressure was off, surely our lads would relax and begin to play? But no, they huffed and puffed without any apparent purpose. And then, with just a few minutes to go, the inconceivable happened. A long punt down the pitch, Ireland keeper Wayne Henderson appearing to the left of the screen (OH, NO!), bodies flying and the ball creeping, in breathless slow motion, through Paul McShane’s legs to trickle into the net. 1-1. Fucking pandemonium all over Ireland.
In that moment you might have concluded that Steve Staunton’s goose was cooked. How could fate be so cruel to a nice guy like Steve that he would see his nascent managerial career end so ignominiously, in low farce?
He sat together in the park with Bobby Robson. The evening sky grew even darker. He looked at John Delaney and felt a spark, tingle through his bones. ‘Twas then he felt alone. And wished he’d gone straight to the FAI after the game against the Czech Republic and said enough was enough. Blame it on a simple twist of fate.
Well, you all know the story. The ref played half a minute over the allotted four for extra time. Ireland snatched a winner at the death. Staunton won a reprieve. But the questions remain: does he have a clue what he is up to? Is there any hope that he – and his Irish team – will come good? Well, given the way in which people muddle through so much of life, stranger things have happened – but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Here’s a few thoughts to be going on with:
1. There is no basis for the stupid idea that has been touted in the media that the players don’t care. They do. In fact some of them – for example Robbie Keane in his role as captain – may just be trying too hard.
2. It is up to the manager to let the players know what he wants. It is also up to the manager to motivate the players, so that they will go out and die for the cause, if that’s what it takes. Watching Ireland against Cyprus and San Marino, you got the feeling that Steve Staunton had failed completely on both counts.
3. “We don’t have the talent.” An easy simplification. We may be short of Roy Keane-like authority or Liam Brady-style genius, but we have plenty of decent players. Look at what Steve Coppell has achieved with Reading. It is a matter of intelligence and organisation. There’s no reason you couldn’t do the same in the international arena with this bunch of Irish players.
4. Talk about a four year plan is a lot of bullshit. Journalists should never have fallen for it – it was a case of Staunton and the FAI getting their excuses in early. The objective at the outset should have been to qualify for the finals of the Euro 2008. That should still be the objective and no silly rationalisations should be allowed to cloud that, as long as it’s still mathematically possible. You pick the best players to get the optimum result in any competitive game. Nothing else makes sense.
5. Of course, it is necessary to introduce new players. But there has been a lot of bullshit about this too. The best way is to bring youngsters in alongside guys who have the experience and who can help them to acclimatise. It would have been stupid to put a bunch of rookies out against San Marino. The fact is that Shane Long, who was getting his first start, was awful on the night. Bad and all as we were around the park, Ireland’s biggest weakness was that there was nothing happening upfront. Shane is a kid. He’ll have better days. But to stick young fellas on in a competitive international to have a look at them, as some of the media seem to want Steve Staunton to do, would be daft.
6. Picking Shane Long is just one of a number of selection errors Steve Staunton has made. Some of them have been bizarre – for example the appearance and then disappearance of Sean St.Ledger of Preston (and a few others) from the Irish squad. The biggest mistake was leaving Lee Carsley out until the Czech game. He’s by far the best option we have in the centre of midfield, especially in the absence of Stephen Reid.
7. Sadly, the only conclusion you can come to is that – so far – Steve Staunton hasn’t even begun to get to grips with the job. He hasn’t picked the right players. He hasn’t developed a style. He hasn’t motivated them. He has been confusingly inconsistent. And he has invited ridicule by attempting to defend the indefensible. It augurs badly. Most likely it will all end in tears.
But we’d all do well to acknowledge that it doesn’t matter all that much. Let’s not get too het up. And second – you never know. A few bounces of the ball in our favour, two wins against Wales and Slovakia and we could be back in the frame. And Steve might just begin to grow into the job.
Let’s hope that fate is on our side. Sometimes, all it takes is a twist…