SOME TIME on or before July 25th, 1994, a gigantic comet will collide with the planet Jupiter and trigger off the biggest cosmic explosion in the history of human life on earth.

I realise that this may come as something of a shock to those of you who happen to have plans for July 26th, 1994, or indeed any day after that date, but forewarned is forearmed. A few phonecalls and a little Filofax-jiggling now will save you untold inconvenience later.

The person we should thank for marking our collective card about this impending cataclysm is a London-based Polish astronomer and self-styled "secular nun" known both as Sofia and as Sister Marie Gabriel. Three weeks ago, the good Sister went to the considerable effort and expense of taking large advertisements in The Guardian and The Observer, laying out in great detail the reasons why this big bang will be detonated.

Though you might be forgiven for assuming otherwise, the whole thing is not an elaborate ploy on behalf of Mr. Fleadh Mór, Vince Power, to sabotage Féile '94, just days before it's scheduled to commence. No, the comet crash and ensuing inter-planetary inferno which is set to put such a decided crimp on July of next year is actually the brainchild of someone even more powerful than Vince Power. I refer, of course, to that great promoter, booking agent and ents officer in the sky, Almighty God.

Giant Asteroid

The gist of Sister Marie Gabriel's revelations is that the Supreme Being is being supremely pissed off by the carry-on of humankind, and has come to the conclusion that we should, well, come to a conclusion.

The end, it seems, is not only nigh but so nigh that you'd be well advised to use up your annual leave very early next year. Sister Marie Gabriel may not be the first Christian visionary to predict the imminence of the Second Coming but she's certainly the first to furnish us with an Estimated Time of Arrival.

The apocalyptic itinerary is as follows. Jupiter will be struck by a massive comet not later than July 25th, 1994. The effects of the subsequent meteoric conflagration will be forcefully felt on earth. Simultaneously, there will be a royal coup d'état and a royal revolution in England.

There will also occur what Sister Marie Gabriel describes as "a great supernatural miraculous event." This will come as an endorsement from God that her messages are true and that the advent of the other phenomena is not a mere coincidence.

All of the foregoing, however, is a mere shot across humanity's bows, a sort of eschatological slap on the wrists, compared to what will happen if we don't heed these signs and change our ways. Sister Marie Gabriel says that she has it on good authority that if we do not avail of our last chance of salvation, God will despatch another giant asteroid fireball and this one will bring about instantaneous global extinction.

But what, you might ask, can be specifically done to avert such horrendous annihilation? Well, it depends on who the "you" is that's asking. If, for instance, you are Pope John Paul II, then Sister Marie Gabriel tells us that immediately after the July 25th comet explosion you are "commanded to come to London at top speed for an emergency counsel with Archbishop George Carey at Westminster about God's final ultimatum."

If you are reading this, JPII, I'd strongly urge you to book the flight now. That reference to "top speed" suggests to me that, come the big day, there isn't going to be a lot of time for hanging 'round the Stand By desk in Rome Airport.

Election Manifesto

Ordinary Joes and Josephines, on the other hand, will not be called upon to do any travelling. Sister Marie Gabriel's ads tell us: "People must pray beg God for mercy on their knees to stop the fireball asteroid." What worries me is why we should only beg for mercy on our knees. Personally, I'd like to hope that God would show mercy on my entire body.

Ultimately though, when the chips are down, God will require the most dramatic action from our world leaders. Sister Marie Gabriel has outlined eight demands which she insists will have to be immediately met by international governments if the final calamity is to be avoided (these are reprinted in full in the accompanying panel). Inevitably, there are those who will scoff but as Programmes for World Recovery go, it's sorta par for the course.

Indeed, if you took out all that fairly enlightened stuff about banning cruelty to animals and replaced it with calls for the introduction of legislation compelling homosexuals to have their bottoms sewn up, the list could pass as a Fine Gael election manifesto. Brendan McGahon, however, would probably draw the line at the idea of "copying Saudi Arabia's successful system of law and order." They're a bit too soft on criminals over there for his taste.

Sister Marie Gabriel concludes her advertisements with the advice that, for our own good, we should spend some time between now and next July reading the Bible and, in particular, Isaiah, Chapter 24. In the name of journalistic diligence, I decided to do just that some days ago but was forced to stop after only a couple of minutes when I remembered that my next door neighbour had a newly-painted wall whose progress I had to monitor.

Nevertheless, there was one line that stuck with me. In his description of what precisely will happen if and when "the Lord makes the Earth empty and makes it waste," Isaiah gleefully tells us that "the mirth of the tambourine shall cease."

This is clearly a reference to the obliteration of buskers everywhere. I just thought I'd put that bit in to show you that it's not all doom and gloom.

Divine Meaning

At this point, we'd be justified in wondering exactly who is this Sister Marie Gabriel (aka Sofia), this latterday prophet through whom God has chosen to speak.

Her press statement tells us only that she is a "secular, plain clothes religious sister." But, when you think about it, what's the point in being a religious sister at all if you're going to be secular and wear plain clothes? The real question is, undercover or not undercover, does Sister Marie Gabriel observe all the vows of a more conventional nun? Is she a bona fide penguin, a fully paid-up dodger of mickeys?

I fear we shall never know the answers. Apart from the bald statements that she is of Polish extraction and currently based in Cricklewood, North London, her newspaper ads reveal merely one biographical detail about Sister Marie Gabriel, namely that she recently served a High Court writ on the German Ambassador to London claiming compensation from Germany for "Nazi war crimes against herself and her family in 1941 and damages for the Nazi destruction of her 28 Warsaw estates in 1944."

Sister Marie Gabriel is confident that she will win what is described as an "historic test case" and plans to use any money she receives as "funds for her many religious charities and societies."

That, however, is still in the future, or what's left of the future. Right now, Sister Marie Gabriel's work is being sponsored by a group called The Scientific Forecasts Society whose stated aim is "to explain to the public the divine meaning behind major cosmic events through the press and television." It was they who stumped up the £7,000 cost of the ads in The Guardian and The Observer.

Last week, Hot Press contacted Sister Marie Gabriel's office in Cricklewood and informed one of her spokespeople (the Sister herself was otherwise engaged) that, for a suitable fee, we would be prepared to publish her "World News Flash!" advertisements. The response was heartbreaking.

"We'd love to take out more ads," sighed the spokeswoman, "but unfortunately we've no money left. Our financier has given us a twelve-month loan and it's all spent already."

Ah well, it's not the end of the world.

WORLD NEWS FLASH!

AN S.O.S. to all world leaders. God commands all nations:

1. Drastically reduce the crime rate by copying Saudi Arabia's successful system of law and order.

2. Destroy all pornographic material such as indecent books, magazines, films and videos which incite offences against women and children daily.

3. Ban all crime, indecency and violence from television because TV violence incites violent crime daily.

4. God commands NHS hospitals to stop killing old people with morphine overdoses and starvation (known as withdrawing of feeding). Old people are being killed off by the NHS to reduce numbers in NHS wards.

5. Alcoholic drinks to be replaced by non-alcoholic beers and wines.

6. Women must obey strict modesty laws in public to reduce sex crimes.

7. All cruelty to birds and animals must be stop (sic) with severe deterrents. Italy and Spain must stop shooting migrating birds. All traffic in live animals must stop; bullfights banned; hunting, snaring and trapping of animals and fur trading must stop etc. Also laboratory experiments must be banned.

8. All wars in Africa, Yugoslavia and other nations must stop immediately.

If not, nations face global extinction by a giant asteroid.

(Note: A copy of this message has been sent to all world leaders, including Pope John Paul II, Archbishop George Carey, Prime Minister John Major, President Bill Clinton, Chancellor Helmut Kohl, President Mitterand, President Yeltsin, H.M. The Queen and Prince Charles.)