Having always regarded ourselves as being one of hotpress’ more intellectual enclaves, Caught In The Net was surprised to receive a missive from a Helen Francis of Sandymount accusing us of, well, being puerile.

One assumes that Ms. Francis won’t be rushing to visit riddleme.com/html/cow.html, a wickedly funny site, which celebrates a farmer’s love for one of his (very worried) animals.

Along with the South Park-style animation, you get a yodeled song that’s equal parts Frank Zappa and Slim Whitman: “Get your mind out the gutter, get your hand off my udder, ooooo-ooooooo/This old man he’s on crack, he’s a lactophiliac/Nick nack paddy-whack give the cow a bone, his wife’s safe when she gets home.”

Suffice it to say, you’ll never eat whipped cream again.

There’s pleasure of a different kind to be derived from www.f1grandprixracing.com, an encyclopedic resource, which boasts some very nifty 3-D graphics. They also get 10 out of 10 for their Eddie Irvine interview – sample quote: “The only thing I’m really competitive about is girls and motor racing. I always want to have a better-looking girlfriend than my mates.”

Truly he is a renaissance man.

Ditto the Californian who’s been accused of stalking Nicole Kidman, Matt Hooker. Convinced that he’s received a raw deal from the courts, Hooker has gone online at www.beautifulbutdangerous.com with his side of the story.

There’s more dubiousness to be had at www.thespark.com/science/sister, which is host to the Date-My-Sister Project.

“In her whole life, Melissa’s had one boyfriend, and he turned out to be, in her words, ‘a drunk retard who will probably be a wife-beater once he gets better aim’,” says her bro. “In a nutshell, I’m gonna do whatever it takes to find her a decent guy. Completely unaware of this Project, she’s come up to Boston to hang out with me for the summer. I’ve got a bunch of eligible bachelor-type friends to set her up with, and I’ve got espionage equipment so I can spy on them all.”

She’ll thank him one day.

Finally, the word from the colonies is that Napster are co-sponsoring a massive dancfest featuring Paul Oakenfold, Roni Size, Armand Van Helden, BT, Danny Tenegalia, DJ Rap and LTJ Bukem.

Expect plenty of hot MP3 action at their .com website, which – for the time being – is still free and gratis.