Javing subjected you to the indignities of Billy Idol’s Happy Holidays in the last Caught In The Net, we thought we’d make amends by featuring the fabulous ‘Not The Cliff Richard Christmas Single’.

More chucklesome than Pat Kenny being told he’s an insufferable arsehole – you can find that little gem at www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Pat+Kenny&search=Search – it includes such un-Cliff couplets as, “Like Pete and Kate I don’t like snow/Unless it’s the stuff you sniff/Footballers roasting by an open fire/Can you hear the bells a-jingle/My surname is not Richard/and this is not my Christmas single.”
As for the references to Sue Barker, well, let’s hope they know a good lawyer.
You can download Beau D’Or’s Xmas cracker of a creation from clectech.co.uk/notcliff.php.
If you prefer your holiday season to be a little more Satanic, cdbaby.com/cd/brutalchristmas can sort you out with a copy of Brutal Christmas: The Season In Chaos, an 11-track collection of carols given the death grunt treatment.
While Tortured Conscience’s ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ and Faithbomb’s ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ have much to recommend them, it’s Death Requisite’s hobnailed boot kicking of ‘Child Messiah’ that floated the CIN boat the most.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to www.stupidevilbastard.com, which recounts the heartwarming tale of the Dad who auctioned his kids’ Christmas presents off on eBay after they were naughty.
“You can’t just let the tail wag the dog,” explains the Father Non-Christmas in question. “If this has a positive long-term effect, that’s all that counts. I’m certainly not a vindictive, mean, evil beastie of a person.”
Anyone who thinks that Ian Paisley and his Democratic Unionist Party chums are a miserable bunch of See You Next Thursdays should visit the Santa’s Grotto that is www.dup.org.uk
No expense has been spared in giving the party’s website a festive glow that will delight even the most hardline of Republicans. In case you’re wondering, yes, we are being sarcastic.
Having tickled tastebuds in past years with their Turkey & Gravy pop, the folks at www.jonessoda.com have added Brussel Sprouts & Prosciutto, Brococoli Casserole, Smoked Salmon Paté and Pecan Pie to their list of festive fizzy drinks. Amazingly, they taste even more vile than they sound.
Which just leaves time for quick visits to xxxmas.yourdirtymind.com (cue childish jokes about Santa emptying his sack); www.jmrproductions.com/princess_diana (Princess Di, The Musical); and www.weihnachtsmannfreie-zone.de (Father Christmas is banned in Germany).