I’m sitting strapped to a chair, my legs and arms bound to the sides. The room is cold. Michael stands by the wall in the shadows. He is my captor and the only one who can release me. He wants me to surrender to him, and to show I have, I must kiss him.

This I a dream I used to have. It was my first sexual fantasy. From the description it’s very obviously a bondage and submission fantasy. What’s surprising about it is that I had it when I was about six or seven! In real life, Michael was a boy in my class, but in my dreams he was a cruel, yet irresistible, fairy prince. It was part kinky, part Disney. And did I take pleasure in it? I did indeed.
I was thinking about this recently, and it struck me, well, as being kind of odd. You’d think that since my first sexual fantasy involved some very innocent BDSM that this kind of sexual play would now be a regular part of my life, but it isn’t. I like a good spanking every now and again – but who doesn’t? – and am always happy to use a pair of handcuffs or wear rubber. But other than that, it isn’t a major part of my sexual landscape.

UP AGAINST AN ALLEY WALL
Fantasies play an important part in our sex lives – the fact is that when we’re not having sex, very frequently we’re thinking about it. Fantasies can get you through a sexual dry spell, help you get excited, increase your desire and up the oomph of your orgasm. Almost everyone has fantasies and a range of them too – some romantic, some kinky and some downright filthy.
Human beings are always looking for clues that will help them to understand each other. We reckon your choice of clothes, the music you like and the fantasies you have all say something about who you are. Which is true up to a point – but with fantasies it isn’t quite so clear-cut. Thing is, you don’t necessarily choose them. Like an unwanted erection, they just happen and don’t necessarily mean anything.
Some of them we’d like to act out, others we prefer to leave at just that – fantasies. The other night I dreamt I was a lap-dancer. I was servicing a client, but he wasn’t wearing any pants. Rubbing myself against his huge cock made me so wet, I pulled my thong to one side, slid down it and fucked him hard. It was a great dream. I woke up the next morning still horny and I’m getting horny just writing about it! But lap dancing is all very well in the privacy of my own bedroom with a man of my choosing – but in truth I’d rather work at McDonald’s than earn my crust of bread that way.
According to research done by the sexologist, Dr Angela Brokmann, 93% of Irish people describe their sexual fantasies as normal, while 7% think that the scenarios their minds dredge up in the dark of the night are sick or perverse. But the thing about fantasies is that you can’t really help them – certainly the ones you have when asleep. There isn’t any point feeling guilty, particularly since what you dream about doing and what you do when you’re awake are very different things. Fantasies often have no bearing on reality.
Women often feel guilty about one of the most common fantasies of all, the rape fantasy. Just to be very clear here, this fantasy has no relation whatsoever to the real life experience of rape. We may dream about being overpowered by a forceful lover and taken up against an alley wall, but unless the woman in your life specifically asks you to act this out, don’t even think about it. But there is no denying either that it is a common and often hugely sexually exciting fantasy for lots of women.

BEVY OF LINGERIE MODELS
It would be great if you could control the people you have fantasies about. I wouldn’t object to Wentworth Miller ravaging me in my sleep, but for the most part the men in my dreams are blank canvasses. My mind seems to think it’s a waste of time giving them faces or personalities – instead it concentrates on the action, which is odd because in real life I’d be unlikely to get excited about a man with blurry features who never said two words to me.
Angela Brokmann found that 69% of Irish women and 53% of Irish men fantasise about their partners. We must be a nation of incurable romantics, after all. It is nice when the file in my mind selects my boyfriend Thomas for some nocturnal nookie, because I have to admit I sometimes feel a little guilty dreaming about other men, particularly if he happens to be lying next to me. But it isn’t as if I can help it – and, hey, he gets to sample the delights of my cooking and my blowjob skills, so he can’t really complain.
Sometimes the people we dream about are the ones we’d be least likely to shag in real life. I once had a colleague who sexually harassed me. He’d come up behind me, rub my ass and whisper what he’d like to do to me. He was short, greasy, had yellow teeth and was probably a bit of a pervert. (I mean a real pervert!) It was my first part-time job and I was only 15, but due to my lack of tits, I probably looked about twelve. One night I dreamt that we had sex in the stock room and in my dreams I really enjoyed it. The next day I was disgusted with myself, worried that I was somehow responsible for the harassment.
For the most part, though, I’m glad that I have no control over my sexual dreams. If I did, I’d probably have very few. When I’m asleep, my subconscious takes over and it always comes up with the goods. During my daydreams I have the awful habit of self-editing. Before I get to the main event, I am constantly rearranging the scene – what I’m wearing, what he said, where we are. I’m not sure if it’s an occupational hazard of being a writer or of being female. Either way, it’s pain in the ass. On occasion, I’m forced to give up and surf for porn instead.
Around six in 10 of us share some of our fantasies with our partners. This is a wise move, particularly if you’d like to act out a particular fantasy. After all, many fantasies are fairly tame; they don’t all involve naked mud-wrestling with a bevy of lingerie models or servicing half the male cast of Lost (stuck on a desert island, what else is there to do?). Some will blow your mind, with others you may find that reality doesn’t quite life up to the fantasy – but we all have a few that really are worth trying out.
I had a dream last night where Thomas was wearing nothing but leather boots and a long black overcoat. He was ordering me to perform sexual acts and I gladly complied. I think I might just mention that one to him….