Just how intimate is a kiss? Without much hesitation, most people reckon it’s very much so, but I have my doubts.

I know it sounds very tame, but I have always been a big fan of kissing. A great kiss can take your breath away, set your pulse racing, your heart beating and make you look at someone in a whole new light. Like great food or wine, another tongue must rate as one of the most pleasurable things to put in your mouth. But while I may be an admirer of the art of face sucking, it doesn’t necessarily mean that kissing scores all that highly on my list of intimate activities.
On Saturday, I was arguing this point with a girl I’d just met. She reckoned if her boyfriend engaged in some extra-curricular tonsil hockey, she would be as upset as if he’d slept with another woman. My lovely Conor feels the same way, yours truly having experienced his wrath when my wandering tongue accidentally connected with a pair of lips that belonged to someone else. There was much gnashing of teeth on his part and eating of humble pie on mine before I was back in his good books.
I reckon I could list the name, surname and eye colour of all my former lovers without much hassle. But a large and dedicated team of family, friends, mathematicians, historians, hypnotists and observant busybodies would be required to assemble the definitive list of all the people I’ve swapped saliva with. While I am a well-behaved young lady – well, sometimes – my tongue has been a rampant slut.
I’ve kissed people for lots of different reasons. Some people because I was attracted to them, fond of them, or thought they were appealing in some way. These are comparatively good motives. However, I have kissed people with less-honourable intentions as well – because I had run out of conversation, was bored, happy, upset or drunk. I’ve kissed people for a dare; to annoy exes; out of curiosity or just because they happened to be there.
When I was younger, kissing had very little to do with sex or romance, it was more of a competitive sport, a numbers game. One evening, my ex-boyfriend and I had a contest to see who could snog the most people. Since we’d broken up a few hours previously, I was determined to win. My total was something like twenty-seven – more than double his score. I ended up with a nasty cold sore shortly afterwards – penance for my over-vaulting ambition. God does not always move in mysterious ways.
Just because I don’t get gooey at the concept of kissing doesn’t mean I’m not romantic. I am – just not in a sappy Celine Dion way. I have had kisses that have been deep, meaningful, lovely and sexy. But like everything else to do with sex, it all depends on the context. The seconds before you kiss someone you really like for the first time, the world seems to stand still. These moments are few and far between, which makes them all the more precious.
Sometimes a great kiss is totally unexpected. I met Conor on the middle of a dance floor. He was attractive, amusing and while I was enjoying his very obvious attempt to pick me up, I was merely flexing my flirting muscles. However, he is a guy who always has his eye on the main chance, and the moment I was off-guard he zoomed in and kissed me. He took me by surprise in more ways than one. It was a mind-altering experience. When we eventually surfaced for air, I was smitten.
We all have different ideas of what entails intimacy. According to a poll I read recently, masturbating in front of a partner rates fairly highly for most people. I agree. It’s all very well to orgasm with a partner while they are distracted by their own pleasure, but it’s a lot harder to feel comfortable contorting your features, and doing whatever it is you do at the crucial moments in the build-up to coming, when they are really paying attention.
A lot of the time, real intimacy has nothing to do with sex. Many women are willing to engage in all sorts of nefarious sexual activities, but still wake up to shower and put on their slap before their partners arise. Likewise, some men find it difficult to be emotional or needy unless they really trust you. Intimacy is a willingness to be vulnerable and human with another person; to let them see you cry or when your hair’s all mussed up.
When you reach this level of trust, that’s when kissing becomes really special. Real romance ain’t all that romantic, but it’s a whole lot more intimate.