Ben wants me to visit him in the States. New York, he suggests, or Chicago, or San Francisco or anywhere I’d like.

I allow my mind to fantasise. It would be lovely to see Ben, of whom I am very fond. I’d love to hike around the glorious giant redwood forests outside SF (I like big trees). Alas my finances don’t permit it. In my secret other life I do graphic design and my spare cash has been earmarked for a new Mac (a pox upon thee Apple for being so expensive!) and a trip back to South Africa to see my family. When I explain this, Ben is surprised. “I invited you, so I’d cover your flights and hotel,” he says.
Oh how it pained me – but I said no.
Ben, being an American, believes that when you invite a lady to do something, you pay. He is not alone. Last year, research presented to the American Sociological Association found that 84 percent of American men say that men pay for dates. Two thirds of the respondents felt women should contribute – but 76 percent would still feel guilty accepting a woman’s money.
In Ireland, we tend to be a lot more laissez-faire about these things. You buy me a drink; I’ll get the next one. You treat me one week; I treat you the next. This to me is how it should be, although there is no denying that romance, sex and money intersect and have done so for hundreds of years.
Valentine’s Day is a prime example. A Valentine’s gift isn’t just a gift, but a statement of intent – the more romantic, thoughtful, unique and expensive a gift is, the more serious you are seen to be.
There is a gender dimension to this. Although sexual and romantic relationships are far more egalitarian than in the past, men still spend more money than women on Valentine’s gifts – and depending on where you are in the world, it could be up to twice as much. On the other hand, surveys suggest that women spend up to three times as long choosing the perfect card – that’s because we care! There are historical reasons why this should be – back in the days when women worked only in the home, an expensive gift symbolised that a man was ready and able to provide for a wife and family.
Big ticket items or expensive luxury gifts have pretty much the same symbolic meaning these days despite the fact that most women, like men, earn their own crust. Figures from the OECD show that having children negatively affects a woman’s earnings and increases wage disparity between men and women. Even if that weren’t the case, between medical expenses, school fees, dancing lessons, birthday cakes and a thousand other unforeseen costs, children are an expensive business and most women would prefer to split their genes with a man who can, and is, willing to contribute fi nancially to their care.
Most gift-giving involves a degree a reciprocity – in other words, we want something back. This is not necessarily a manipulative gesture. Sometimes we wish to remind someone of our love, devotion or commitment. Alternatively, we feel indebted to them for the love they have shown us and want to balance the score.
However, some sociologists have suggested that gift-giving can have a darker dimension. The model of ‘economic exchange’ sees gifts essentially as bargaining chips. These can be used to create a favourable impression, to display wealth and status or, particularly at the start of a relationship, be cashed in for sexual favours. In this model, gift giving is a strategic part of the courtship ritual, and the more expensive the gift, the larger the debt. Unfortunately for these spendthrift fellas, the ladies we are wise to this – an expensive or extravagantly romantic gift from a relatively unknown man is seen as a not-very subtle attempt at manipulation.
Of course what one person views as expensive, another person with more ready cash at hand, may not. When I pointed out to Ben that I couldn’t in good conscience accept anything as spendy as a holiday, he thought I was being silly because the money wasn’t a big deal to him. Damn my blighted conscience! Unfortunately it was to me, and I would have felt I ‘owed’ him, whether or not he was planning to call in the debt. My career as a gold-digger was obviously off to a bad start, which would have disappointed Catherine Hakim, who would have tut-tutted at this profligate waste of my ‘erotic capital’.
A few years back Hakim’s book Honey Money caused a stir when she advised women to use their ‘erotic capital’ to get ahead. Flirting with the boss, invariably male, was one option. But ideally what a woman should be aiming for was (is!) to marry rich and live a life of luxury, at least before being ditched for a younger model with more erotic capital I suppose. In such a scenario, women would be better off spending their time at the gym improving their bodies, instead of at university improving their minds – which is kind of an odd argument for a university educated woman to make, even if there were enough millionaires to go around for all the plucky, pretty girls who deserved them.
Hakim’s thesis of ‘erotic capital’ was roundly mocked. She was criticised for her sloppy understanding of statistics, for misinterpreting scholarly research, for a poorly argued theory and for misrepresenting her affi liation with the London School of Economics. However weak her arguments, the book created something of a cultural moment, with a flurry of op-ed columns wondering if Hakim was actually onto something, or if she was trying to set women back by fifty years.
Using your sexuality for monetary advantage or using your money in exchange for sexual favours is not a particularly romantic topic, so I’ll leave you with some news that’ll warm the cockles of even a cynical heart and make you feel that romance may be worth it after all.
Research has found that it really is better to give than receive. Gifts that have a personal dimension, or have been carefully chosen, not only make the recipient feel loved and appreciated, they make the giver feel closer to their partner too. If you have invested time, thought, effort and energy in choosing the perfect gift for the man or woman in your life, you remind yourself that you love them, despite the fact that they hog the blankets, watch too much football, or have a tendency to fart in their sleep.
And because it is Valentine’s Day and I am feeling generous, here’s another piece of good news – the longer a couple have been together, the more likely it is that they give gifts from pure unselfi sh love. Ah bless! That’s almost as adorable as otters holding hands when they sleep so they don’t drift apart – which, as all right thinking people agree, is the most romantic thing ever.