It’s a hot night, I’m lying naked on my bed, thinking about you.” Thus read the message from my old partner in crime, Andrew. I know the score; this is an old game between us. It’s my cue to ask him what he’s thinking, and gradually the messages will be become hotter and more explicit. But the thing I really want to know is: is it cheating if it only takes place in the virtual world?

Andrew is my little secret, my fantasy lover and old flame. We had a passionate but very short-lived liaison a few years ago until the four winds and visa restrictions took us to different corners of the globe. Despite having known one another for only a few weeks, our relationship has survived the great divide by emails, MSN, phone calls and text messages – some friendly and some even friendlier. Andrew is the one that got away, a romantic ideal and technological fuck buddy.
Andrew’s message puts me in a bit of a bind. I am not sure how to respond. I am alone and horny. Under normal circumstances playing along would be the obvious answer but I have a few problems with this.
Firstly, I have been lying on my bed having erotic thoughts about a certain Thomas, so playing this game with someone else isn’t all that appealing at the moment. Secondly, I am pretty sure Thomas would be less than impressed if I was having sex, even virtual sex, with someone else. But seeing as a vast ocean separates Andrew and me, it’s not cheating – at least not in the classic sense of the word.
We all know that fantasy plays an important role in the human sexual experience. We may be able to restrict our actions, but our thoughts roam free. According to The Love Guide: Sex Talk and the Irish, 93% of us think that fantasies are normal. And indeed they are. Fantasy can provide an outlet for frustration, offer vicarious thrills or turn an average sexual experience into an amazing one. Most of us, unless we are insanely jealous, accept that from time to time our partners may be having thrilling sex in their heads with someone other than us.
With the advent of modern technology we can share and explore our fantasies with the whole world. The Internet opens up an entirely new arena to meet, chat and divulge our desires with likeminded individuals. The question is, where does fantasy end and infidelity begin? This is a hard one, and I wish I had a definitive answer.
Personally I blame my confusion about this on my Catholic education. The nuns at my convent took a hard-line attitude towards sin and taught us that a thought was just as sinful as a deed. This may be ridiculous, but exploring your fantasies on-line is certainly a grey area.
Here’s how it seems to work: If you have an unbidden erotic dream about someone else, that’s okay; if you fantasise about someone else while having sex with your partner, most relationship counsellors would say that’s normal, although I think it’s probably best not to share this information with the real live person in your bed; but if you make contact with another person, even a stranger, via the internet or phone, well, that’s regarded as cheating.
You have to admit it is kind of strange. At least part of the reason we think fantasy is acceptable is because no physical contact is involved, but the same is true for cyber, phone and text sex. The counselling service, Relate, has reported that increasing numbers of people blame sex in Internet chat rooms as a reason for relationship breakdown. That’s very odd indeed!
Being jealous of a virtual lover is about as reasonable as being jealous of a porn star. Nothing physical is ever likely to occur. Yet, while I would have no problem with a boyfriend having an extensive collection of adult entertainment, I am not so sure I’d be happy about him engaging in extracurricular adventures with a real person on-line. I know this is illogical, but then again, so are many human emotions.
Perhaps one of the reasons virtual sex is regarded as cheating is the idea that, gradually, you will form an emotional bond or an attachment with the person on the other end of the line. Like traditional forms of cheating, forming a second relationship is seen as the biggest betrayal of all. However, a great amount of technological sexual contacts are once-offs, cyber one-night stands. The only damage virtual sex can really cause a relationship is the feelings of jealousy it might inspire in your flesh-and-blood partner.
I don’t actually think there is anything wrong with sharing your fantasies on-line, although whether or not your partner agrees would be between the both of you. But it seems to me a pity that more of us don’t tell them to the people close at hand. Apparently only about a quarter of us are willing to do this.
My copy of The Love Guide tells me that 69% of Irish women and 53% of Irish men have fantasies about their partners and around 40% of fantasies include lots of tenderness. If this is indeed the case, more of us should talk about what turns us on – even if it is selectively. Virtual sex may be great, but nothing beats the real thing.
Sharing fantasies may have its risks, but the pay-offs can be enormous. After all, two filthy minds are better than one. b