In matters sexual, there are few things that shock me anymore. Years of doing research for this column mean that when confronted with strange or new information, or indeed fresh ‘perversions’, I take them in my stride.

So you can imagine how disconcerted I must have been when on a chilly May evening, Damien, my good friend of many years, made an announcement of a sexual nature that shocked me into silence.
“I’ve given up one-night stands,” he declared.
Damien, it should be noted, has been in committed pursuit of uncommitted sex in all the time I’ve known him. They say that the leopard doesn’t change his spots, but it appears that they, whoever they are, are wrong.
Having recovered my composure enough to enquire if he was ill, and receiving a response in the negative, I asked the gentleman to elaborate.
“They’re just not doing it for me anymore,” he said. “You know, I think that great sex is really all about the person you’re with.”
It’s not strictly true that you could have knocked me down with a feather – I am eight-and-a-half stone after all – but I was certainly flabbergasted. I’d being trying to persuade Damien of this for years with absolutely zero success.
Me, I am not a fan of one night stands. This is not for moral or religious reasons, of course. I don’t think there is anything wrong in two consenting adults deciding to spend the night together, whether they have known each other for years or hours.
I have no doubt that sex with a stranger can be a beautiful thing; erotically-charged, passionate, and utterly compelling – but for the most part it is not. Granted it can still be very enjoyable. However, be it good, bad or merely indifferent, in Dublin it is almost always drunken, and drunk men are rarely any good in bed. This is no slight on them – I am not much cop myself after one too many.
My objections thus, are more of a practical nature – I can’t see how heading home with a drunk stranger would result in a satisfactory sexual experience for me, or them. On the whole, I think it wiser not to get naked with someone unless I am sure both of us are up to the task – him literally, and me figuratively.
Secondly, going home with a stranger can be a risky business. I’ve heard enough horror stories to know that much. There was the guy who kicked my friend out of his apartment but wouldn’t get out of bed to open the main gate to the complex for her. As this required a key, she was stuck in the cold for ages. Then, more worrying, was a friend who told a tale of being offered to her partner’s friend once they’d finished – or rather, once he’d finished, it being a deeply unsatisfactory experience on every level for her.
Given the number of one night stands that take place on any weekend, there is probably no more than a minor risk that your chosen partner will behave in such an ungallant or cruel manner. But as regards personal safety I tend to be a little paranoid – I’m the kind of girl who waits for the little green man before crossing the road – and so I prefer to make sure I am not dealing with a psychopath before proceeding to intimacies.
Of course I am not the only person who thinks that one night stands are far from reliable in terms of both satisfaction and safety. Plenty of other people feel the same.
Over 20 years ago, an American university did a study. They asked attractive young students to approach members of the opposite sex with offers of no strings casual sex. A large percentage of the men approached said yes, only to be disappointed to learn that they were guinea pigs in an experiment. A much lower percentage of female students said yes, that percentage being zero. From this the researchers concluded that young women were much less interested in casual sex than men.
A few years back new researchers decided to revisit this experiment to see if women’s attitudes to sex with strangers had changed. Some female students were interested, but again, at a much lower percentage than men. However, this time around the wily researchers did follow up interviews to find out why most of the women refused. The most common answer was that they were worried about the satisfaction and safety of sleeping with a stranger. Since the man was an unknown quantity, the women decided that there was a good chance that the sex would be selfish and that there was always the possibility that the bloke may be an axe murderer to boot.
Most strangers are unlikely to be psychopaths. You’ve only got around a 5% chance of meeting one. Then again chances are, he or she is unlikely to be Prince, or Princess, Charming either. But you never know!
Some enchanted evening my friend Gemma saw a stranger across a crowded room. As she had never had a one night stand and had been recently dumped by her boyfriend, she decided that a night with this handsome man was just what she needed. But the best laid plans of mice, men and suddenly single women do not always come to fruition.
Brian was more than happy to take her home for the night, and every night since then for the last three years. I suppose that whether this qualifies as a particularly successful or disastrous one night stand depends
on how you look at it, but Gemma has no complaints.
On certain occasions, you may be lucky enough on a night out to meet someone who is charming, sober and sane, with whom the frisson of sexual attraction is undeniable. In such cases you may decide to strike immediately, but I am a firm believer that a pleasure one waits for is all the sweeter.
Damien, of course, has long disagreed with me on this point – he being interested in quantity, whereas I am all about the quality. However I am certainly not averse to quantity either. This, to my mind is yet another problem with one
night stands.
For the most part, a one night stand results in one, two, or if you are lucky, three separate sexual sessions. But that’s it, end of story. Find your knickers and go home. Sex with a regular partner, whether the relationship is casual or committed, generally means a lot more sex, without the inconvenience of looking for it (which process, if you are both horny and fussy, is a just a pain in
the bum).
There is a reason why married people have more sex than their single friends – opportunity. If the person is in the next room, or merely a phone-call away, there are far more chances of having sex, and good sex at that, than if you have to spend half the night trawling bars in search of a decent prospect.
“I do really like the novelty factor,” said Damien, and most people, myself included, would agree that this is not something to be lightly dismissed. It is probably the key reason why one night stands are popular. A new person is exciting, simply by reason of their newness.
“But,” he continued in a pensive mood, “once you figure out what works between two people, that’s when the sex gets really incredible.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you for years,” I said.
Damien may have many faults, but he is a man who liked to give a girl satisfaction. And he proceeded to give it to me by uttering the three magic words every woman longs to hear.
“You were right.”
Ah, the bliss – it was almost orgasmic!