IT WAS aeons ago, but I can still remember a time when Hamburger shots meant sesame seed buns, iceberg lettuce and succulent 100% beef patties.
There wasn t any hardcore porn when I was a lad, just magazines full of people who liked to get their kit off because, well, it s natural, ain t it?
I can still remember the tingle of excitement as I perused the copy of Health & Efficiency that my 2B classmate, Darrel Bate, had nicked from the bottom of his dad s wardrobe.
Second only to National Geographic in terms of totty count have you seen those African tribe features? it was to all intents and purposes my sex education.
While H&E still commands a huge adolescent readership, it appears that the naturist cognoscenti have switched their allegiance to Sunlovers!, a UK monthly which tackles such bristly issues as beards and whether they re a leurve-making no-no.
Under the page 9 screamer of Beards! Natural Expressions of Manliness Or Repulsive Face-Fuzz? we re told that The amateur actors of the Bollington Light Opera Group in Macclesfield all had to grow beards for their parts. But their wives hated the beards and banned their bearded husbands from sex until the show was over and the beards disappeared!
What do naturist husbands and wives feel about this? Are beards natural? Do wives and lady friends love them or hate them? Write and let us know. Send a photo with your letter and if published, we ll send you a fiver for some aftershave!
To help you make your mind up, Sunlovers! have supplied a picture of a beardy bloke standing on a canal boat with his meat-and-two-veg defiant in their limpness.
Which leads us on to . . . melons! According to the John Pilger-esque report in the news section, The supermarket Tesco s couldn t understand why its big melons weren t selling, so they set a chain of psychologists to interview people and study the market. Both men and women said they didn t buy big melons because they reminded them of breast size. Now fashion trends have been influenced by skinny waifs with small breasts, such as Kate Moss, shoppers want smaller melons. They were embarrassed to buy big uns .
However! The psychologists report noted that both men and women like to feel around the blossom end of the fruit the nipple-shaped scar where the flower fell off during growth. Well, ladies should we send our men shopping now it s cucumber season!
Finally, if you ve nothing planned for December 4th, why not pop along to the National Leisure Holiday Roadshow which is being staged near Guildford? The free event promises dozens of stands, videos, displays, celebrities of the movement and most tantalisingly of all, entertainment from naked guitaist John Allinson.
Cock rock fans should be in their element!
Stuart Clark