The music industry will implode the moment you buy one, but if you don’t mind committing grand theft audio www.web.ukonline.co.uk/boomselection will tell you – and the Anti-Piracy Squad – everything you need to know about the current craze for bootlegs. The niftiest we’ve heard being the genetic splicing of The Strokes’ ‘Hard To Explain’ to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Genie In A Bottle’. Available from Delboy-types in the UK for a tenner a pop, ‘Stroke Of Genius’ has been spun here by hardened criminal Tom Dunne and suggests that Ms. Aguilera has a decent rock album in her.

Other curios doing the rounds at the moment are East 17 vs. Andrew WK ‘Stay Another Andrew WK’, Vanilla Ice vs. Basement Jaxx ‘Where’s Your Ice At’ and – we kid you not – Blur vs. Madison Avenue’s ‘Don’t Call Me Song’.

Caught In The Net has been in some tight squeezes in its time but none that compare to the shenanigans at www.kegelmaster2000.com/ guide.htm

Dedicated to the pursuit of “stronger vagina muscles and multiple orgasms”, The Kegelmaster 2000 is big news in the States, and starting to take off here thanks to the endorsement of varous D-list celebs.

“When a woman finds that her vagina doesn’t possess the same elasticity that it once had,” reads the promo blurb, “she can use the Kegelmaster 2000 to improve her sensitivity to stimulation. Many women think that vaginal exercising is something that should only be done for a short period after childbirth. This is incorrect.”

You may not be able to teach old dogs new tricks, but you can teach adolescent elephants how to paint. And play the xylophone.

“Elephants are natural candidates for music-making,” reports the New York Times. “Their hearing is much keener than their sight, and they employ a vast range of vocalisations, many of which are heard on their CD.”

More info on these elephantine Tracy Emins and Damon Albarns can be found at www.mulatta.org/Thaielephantorch.html and www.elephantart.com

Planning a trip to the States but worried that you may not be fully conversant with the latest pharmaceutical terms? Well, fret no more ‘cause www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/streetterms/Default.asp has a full glossary of Class A, B and C slang. For instance, should a generously bejeweled man ask if you’d like a “woolah”, what he’s actually proffering is a

hollowed cigar filled with marijuana and crack. There’s also a handy A-Z of the latest proscribed substances such as fentanyl (artificial heroin substitute), methcathinone (super strength amphetamine) and talwin (designer heroin/cocaine hybrid).

Finally, the video for the new Aphex Twin single can be viewed in all its gruesome glory at www.drukqs.net A work of unbridled – not to mention twisted – genius, it suggests that a glorious big screen career awaits director Chris Cunningham.