MAGIC MUSHROOMS (aka Phantasmic Fungi)

PITY POOR Felicity Kendall. She thought she’d cushioned herself against most of life’s injuries – but she hadn’t bargained on Pysolisin, her son’s favoured method of transport to locations otherworldly not listed on the British Rail timetable. Now though, 300 fungi later and with a wallet 200 quid lighter, he’s contemplating a cheaper form of locomotion. Mushrooms, even magic ones, can come at a high price.

Magic mushrooms are not exactly the stuff of mind-expanding experiences. Timothy Leary’d probably turn his nose up at a handful in favour of a decent pint. As for their culinary potential, it doesn’t quite take a Darina Allen to rustle up a mighty tasty (or so I’m assured) cupán tae that’ll clear your sinuses a heck of a lot faster than a mug of peppermint or rosehip would.

Although listed as a controlled drug, magic mushrooms (or Pysolisin, to use their official pharmacological name) are not up there battling for priority placing on the Garda Síochana’s all-time favourite pet hates. In fact, when contacted by Hot Press, the Garda Press Office were more interested in mushroom omelette recipes than in bagging all and sundry who might be stalking the fields now that the picking season’s upon us.

So what if it’s listed on the Eastern Health Board’s fact sheet on Controlled Drugs? So what if it’s hallucinogenic effects are akin to a mild LSD trip to never never land. As far as our guardians of the peace are concerned there’s probably a greater demand for magic mushrooms in the more adventurous cookery schools of West Cork than in Sheriff Street.

Legal to pick, illegal to consume and tasty whether eaten raw, cooked or brewed in a tea, these fungi are used as an antidote to life’s more pedestrian moments by more than a handful of narcotics-gourmets from Skibbereen to Stepaside. HP’s insider describes the experience simply as being “a happy-go-lucky buzz that makes you feel cheerful and giggly.”

And with the respected (and recently retired) maverick Chief of Psychiatry in the Eastern Health Board, Ivor Browne, happily extolling the virtues of sampling any hallucinogenic drugs which he intended to use to dilute his patients’ psychoses (and that was way back in the ’70s) there’s no shortage of takers for the odd stalk – or 20.

Since the picking season is so short, (only running from early September to late October) the aficionado’s general drill involves a picking expedition – undertaken either alone (less likely to irk sensitive farms who might prefer to keep their supply under wraps for home consumption) or in small groups, sets out, gathers the crop (sometimes up to 300 ’rooms at a shot) and either scoffs the lot there and then, or carries the loot home for a binge later.

HP’s fungus fancier favours setting off on these trips in cahoots with his fellow mushy tea drinkers “so that there is a big hierarchy of support to snap people out of bad trips – which can happen from time to time. So if someone is on their first trip you can spot if they’re having a bad time and take their mind off it.”

A bad trip is something that’ll be no doubt familiar to anyone who’s ever taken the Kerry train. In my experience, it’s generally the Mallow-Banteer stretch that produces that “wide-eyed staring into space with fear across the face, not moving, or worse still, writhing a bit” that our man in the field describes as a “bad trip”.

On the other hand, a “good trip” sends you peering past the curtains of consciousness that for most of our waking lives obscure parts of our being, or so I’m told. Trouble is, for most of us the corner of our brains that we do have access to is already so crowded out that we’re happy to let sleeping dogs lie, or dormant neuroses dorm.

5 Plusses of Magic Mushrooms

1. Can be dried and stored for up to 12 months, so ideal for bartering for hash or other hallucinogens during the off-season.

2. Can be picked under the guise of ‘greenie gourmeting’ in the back garden: after all, everybody prefers their veggies freshly picked.

3. Are user-friendly – no need for fancy distilleries or high-tech processing.

4. Doesn’t erode the nasal cavities.

5. Culinary skills an optional extra: can be just as tasty raw as cooked.

And The Negatives . . .

1. Not the tastiest of omelette fillers.

2. Apt to cause nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain.

3. Not freely available from your local friendly Colombian dealer.

4. Not as cute a fashion accessory as a tab of E.

5. Plays havoc with your hairstyle – since the need to harvest incognito demands the ‘Animal’ look – at least for the months of September.