Great, at least the questions will be decent!”
The cheeky sod! Instead of being crestfallen that he’s being deprived of the joys of his second Clarkian probing in sixth months, Arctic Monkeys drummer and P. Diddy’s bezzie mate Matt Helders is delighted that today’s interview agenda has been set by Hot Press readers.
Actually, I ought to have said cheeky, hairy sod because since July, the 23-year-old has sprouted a very fetching Afro that completes the Monkeys’ transmogrification into Hammer Of The Gods-style rockers (more of which anon).
With Alex Turner and Nick O’Malley saving themselves for tonight’s belter of an O2 show – “It’s the last day of the tour and we haven’t been pacing ourselves very well!” – wingman duties fall to guitarist Jamie Cook who doesn’t have any famous hip hopper friends but, hey, we won’t hold that against him!
So, fingers on the buzzer gentlemen, here’s your starter for ten…

Are you aware that Nick Cave complimented your version of ‘Red Right Hand’ at a recent Dublin show? He said something along the lines of, “Because the Arctic Monkeys have done such a great job on this, we feel like we have a licence to mangle it.”
Steo Murphy, Clones
Matt: Lovely, that’s a good seal of approval for us! We’d been pestering a mate of ours who’s done some work for Grinderman to ask Nick what he thought, but now we know.
Jamie: We’ve done all sorts in soundcheck – Kings Of Leon, Bloc Party – but that was our first proper, grown up cover!

Hi chaps, any hope of you making a record with Diddy? Reckon it would sound wicked!
Steve, Hollywood (County Down, not L.A.!)
Matt: Probably not. He doesn’t need Arctic Monkeys on his records. I might drum for him though! If we were going to collaborate with anyone, it’d probably be a girl. Get a proper singer in! No, it’d be an interesting contrast with Al’s voice.
Jamie: Next time I bump in to Lady GaGa I’ll ask her if she’s up for it!

Your favourite album, book, film & TV show of the noughties, please!
T. Picker, Manchester
Matt: That name sounds terribly familiar! Album would have to be The Strokes’ Is This It – although ask me again tomorrow and I might say Arcade Fire or Richard Hawley! The Strokes was the first record that we all listened to when we started the band, and was the one, which restored my faith in guitar music. I’d been much more into the DJ side of things up till then.
Jamie: The other one we all really like, and which still sounds great is the first album by The Coral.
Matt: Best book – it’s obviously not from the noughties, but I read Catcher In The Rye recently, which was a bit amazing.
Jamie: I’m a bad reader… hang on, that makes it sound like I’m illiterate! I can read but I’m forever starting books and not finishing them. I enjoy an hour on the sofa with Men’s Health though – it makes you feel healthier just buying it!
Matt: Two films I’ve really enjoyed are No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood, and TV-wise it’d be Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire and Shooting Stars, which I’d love to be a guest on… hint, hint! I nearly did Never Mind The Buzzcocks once when somebody else pulled out, but then I thought, “Nah, I’m not into being second choice.” Which was very prima donna-ish of me!

You look very hunky in your new promo pics – are you putting in some serious gym time?
Sharon, Meath
Matt: Not really. The opposite in fact! My New Year’s resolution is always to get fit, but it just doesn’t happen. I’d love to know how many calories I burn off every night drumming – dieticians get in touch please! I go for a run every now and again and do a bit of skipping.
Jamie: We used to box quite a bit on tour with security but that got knocked on the head – no pun intended – in case somebody broke a hand.

Josh Homme kept Them Crooked Vultures bloody quiet – did he tell you about it when you were making Humbug?
Tommy Menzies, Falkirk
Jamie: No, which is pretty impressive ‘cause if you were about to go off and make a record with Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones you’d want everybody to know about it.
Matt: Not a word until we were on our way home. The most amazing thing about it is how good John Paul Jones – a man who didn’t exactly look after himself during the ‘70s – looks. I’ve read Hammer Of The Gods and he should be a fuck site more haggard than he is.
Jamie: Did John Paul Jones take part in the banana daiquiri challenge? I don’t know if it’s true or just myth but that’s all his diet’s supposed to have consisted of for two years.

Whose idea was it to do the Brits dressed as the Wizard of Oz and the Village People?
Mary K, Phibsboro, Dublin
Matt: I can’t remember. It weren’t me but I agreed straight away – there weren’t much convincing required. The shop that gave ‘em us sold them afterwards for charity, which was a nice touch. Then we went and did Jonathan Ross dressed as clowns.
Jamie: We’ve should been in a band like Kiss so we can dress up every night.
Matt: It’s not too late! Al looks particularly good in make-up – he’s got the bone structure.

If you could jam with anyone on any song who/what would they be?
Miriam Power, Tramore
Matt: Jimi Hendrix, but what song? I’d just be happy to be there, although I wouldn’t want to do Mitch Mitchell out of a job. I’d play tambourine, which is a much-underrated instrument.
Jamie: ‘Rainbow’ on Stargazer which is an eight-minute hard rock epic. Richie Blackmore was some guitar-player.
Matt: Is some guitar-player, he’s not dead yet.

Best Christmas presents you’ve ever got?
Bernie O’Riordan, Scariff
Matt: Bauer HX1 rollerblades. I had a few spills on ‘em, but never broke anything. I was also pretty ecstatic when I got a Game Boy.
Jamie: A GT Dyno BMX, which is my favourite bike of all time. I’m actually trying to find one that’s in good nick, so if any Hot Press readers are selling…

What’s your pre-gig routine – yoga, group hugs, certain songs on the boom-box?
David Wilson, Thomastown
Matt: We don’t have a lucky pair of underpants, which one of us has to wear. If you rely on a ritual and for some reason you can’t follow it, you get paranoid that things are going to go wrong. So I go out me way to do something different every gig! Recently I’ve been doing some skipping and stretching just to warm up.
Jamie: We always listen to music before we go on, but there’s no set playlist.

With Oasis’ demise, what do you think of Kasabian saying they’re now the biggest band in the UK?
Oisin Tormey
Matt: Makes sense – it’s either them or us. We’re too nice and they’re too nice for it to develop into a Blur vs. Oasis type thing. We can be the biggest band from Monday to Thursday and they can have the weekend.
Jamie: They might be coming tonight, so we’ll sit down over a cup of tea and sort it out.

Some fans feel the new set-list is missing its old spark – i.e. no ‘Mardy Bum’, ‘Certain Romance’, ‘Fake Tales’ etc. Although the new songs are great, would the band not consider bringIng some of these back?
Jonathan Carr,
Matt: I think you’ve got to move on. Those songs were particularly significant when we were 19 or 20, but if we were to play the likes of ‘Mardy Bum’ now we’d be ourselves we’d never do.
Jamie: If you think you’re getting better, which we do, you want to play new stuff.

Do any of you own a copy of Five Minutes With Arctic Monkeys?
Colin Flanagan
Matt: Yeah, me mum and dad have got a few on 7”, which is their pension fund. The really rare ones are the records and CDs that aren’t signed by us.
Jamie: There’s only a thousand of each, so they’re worth a few quid. Mine are carefully stored with my vinyl ‘hand on the arse’ copy of The Strokes’ Is This It. All the later pressings had a patterned cover ‘cause they were worried American shops wouldn’t stock it.

Do you remember your first Dublin gig in Whelan’s, and what did you do afterwards?
Davey Moore, Dundalk
Matt: I remember what we did before, which was go to Eddie Rocket’s. Great milkshakes!
Jamie: We had this friend touring with us at the time who we had to convince not to swim across the river – drink may have been involved. It was near the bridge with ‘Heineken’ written on it.

The lyrics of ‘Cornerstone’ is (sic) beautifully written. How did it come about?
Damien McGloin
Jamie: Hooray, someone else whose grammar is as bad as mine! You’d have to ask Al what inspired it, but we all thought “Wow!” when he played it to us for the first time on an acoustic.
Matt: I remember thinking, “This won’t need much doing to it.” Its understatedness – which isn’t a word but should be! – is what makes it special.

What’s your favourite Beatles song?
Louis Fallon
Jamie: It changes all the time, but at the moment ‘Helter Skelter’.
Matt: I’ve been singing ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’ in the shower quite a lot.
Jamie: Make of that what you will!
Matt: If you ever make it to Vegas, go and see the Cirque du Soleil show which has the Love album as its soundtrack, ‘cause it’s brilliant!

What’s the most star-struck you’ve ever been meeting someone?
Fergal Boyle, Portstewart
Matt: I had a few butterflies in me stomach meeting Paul McCartney at the Q Awards. Another occasion that sticks in my mind was before the Monkeys going to see The Vines. Just the sight of Craig Nicholls walking on stage blew me away. I imagine I’d be pretty gobsmacked if I ever ran into Larry David.

If you could have a gang of people over for tea (dead or alive), who would they be?
Melanie Murphy
Matt: It’d probably be better if they were alive… no, I know what you mean! Larry David for the witty repartee, four or five of our gobby friends, David Attenborough ‘cause I imagine he’s got some great animal stories – actually, add Life to me favourite TV shows of the decade!
Jamie: We’d have to have Jesse from the Eagles Of Death Metal who’s a fucking lunatic, Marilyn Monroe and Katie Price as distinct from Jordan, ‘cause I think there’s a lot more to her than her public persona.
Matt: (laughs) You want to get to know the real Jordan!

Did Mr Homme take you into the Mojave, and if so, does it really look like the surface of Mars?
Karen Tully, Drimnagh
Matt: He took us into the Joshua Tree National Park – there’s a photo of it inside the record – which does look like another planet. The rock formations are mind-blowing.
Jamie: It actually looks like the cartoon landscape in Roadrunner – there are big boulders sitting on top of little boulders, and the earth’s all orange. I’d definitely recommend a visit!

Where will you be on Christmas Day?
S. Clark, Trinity Street, Dublin 2
Matt: I’ll go back to me mum’s. I’m not ready to do me own Christmas dinner yet! I’ll stay out of it until it’s near enough ready and then eat meself senseless.
Jamie: I get ‘til 10 o’clock and then I’m turfed out of bed to help peel potatoes and things. The pubs are open on Christmas Day in England, so I usually end up in some working man’s club with me dad. We’re all really looking forward to spending some time at home.
Matt: Happy Christmas everybody and thanks for your brilliant support in 2009. I suspect we’ll be seeing you again in the New Year!