If there’s one thing I miss about being a virgin, it’s the all night ‘get off’ session. I’m not sure what it’s called in modern parlance – ‘meeting’ I think, but there’s a chance that term is already out of fashion – but back in the mid-’90s in Pretoria we called hooking-up for frolics with a member of the opposite sex ‘getting off’.
Getting off covered a range of sexual activities – anything from a snog to mutual oral sex, depending on how adventurous you were feeling. Everything was acceptable bar intercourse, whether vaginal or anal.
All the recent media coverage of teenage sexual experiences got me thinking. Surely most teenagers are not so worldly and sophisticated that they have gone straight from pigtails to penetration without a decent exploratory stage in between? If they have, more’s the pity. They don’t realise what they’re missing.
The fact is that most teenagers have a healthy curiosity about all things sexual. They can’t help it. At some point the hormones kick in, big-time, and you wish you hadn’t dismissed playing ‘Doctor Doctor’ all those years ago as a kid’s game.
Instead of wringing their hands, trying to get their charges to hide their heads in the sand, and worrying themselves to distraction if – almost inevitably – they don’t, parents should encourage young people to experiment with their sexuality in stages.
Full sexual intercourse is an adult business and requires adult levels of responsibility. Fair enough. Many teenagers do not have the maturity to deal with this. Also fair enough. Moreover, with the new age of consent set at 17, young people, particularly young men, might want to think very carefully before entering a full sexual relationship. You may have your partner’s consent, but if you don’t have her parents’, things could go very badly wrong.
In many ways then, the “get-off” session is the perfect answer to the question of teenage sexuality – a lot of the pleasure for none of the pain. While shagging may be the cherry on top, the delicious fact is that there are a range of activities in between which can help satisfy both your curiosity and your raging lust. Don’t get me wrong, sex is wonderful and I wouldn’t give it up for the world, but in some ways the get-off session has many advantages over penetration. So, for the benefit of younger readers, I’ll explain.
The number one advantage is that it’s lower risk. For a start, pregnancy is not an issue, barring the unlikely exception of Immaculate Conception. Similarly – while oral sex ideally should be practised with some sort of protection, it carries a lower risk of spreading sexually transmitted diseases than unprotected penetration. Hand-jobs, mutual masturbation, licking, touching and sucking breasts and so on are as close to risk-free as you can get.
It depends on the time and place of course, but a good session where you get off with someone new can last for hours. It isn’t always the case, but sexual activities frequently end when the man involved shoots his load. Fine – but if you don’t engage in activities that lead to orgasm, or save them till the last moment, you can enjoy endless hours of foreplay. Spending ages on foreplay is time well spent learning your sexual skills.
For girls in particular, having sex may seem like the easiest option – but it is not the best, not by a long shot. Offering up the good old missionary position will doubtless result in orgasm for her partner at least, without too much effort or skill on her part. Girls will often choose to do this rather than admit that they have no idea how to give a decent hand-job or blow-job – it seems less embarrassing. But, apart from being risky, that’s pretty damn silly.
The thing is, of course, that most young people are unsure, not necessarily about what to do, but about how to do it – at least in a way that their partner will enjoy. That’s where the adventure comes into it. It’s easy to ask what your partner likes. ‘Is that nice? What way do you like it done? Is there anything else you’d like me to do?’ Trying to find out what works together is one of the great joys of getting familiar with someone entirely new. And remember, great lovers are made, not born.
Well, with the odd, honourable exception, of course!
This kind of session is particularly useful for learning about how your body responds to different types of stimulation. You can also learn a lot by observing and listening to your partner. I used to joke that I was trying to become Pretoria’s most experienced virgin because my get-off sessions often verged on the kinky. I tried all sorts of things including some mild bondage, sex and food combinations and getting frisky in public places – all before I ever tried the missionary position or even attempted a blow-job. This meant that I learnt, early on, what kind of sexual experiences I enjoyed.
Once I got over my teenage shyness, I found that I really, really liked boys; not just one or two of them, loads of them, and I wanted them all. In the words of the poet Browning, “She like whate’er she looked on, and her looks went everywhere.”
Again, this is where the get-off session is useful. I got off with lots of boys, but I did it at my own pace. I didn’t run the risk of unwanted pregnancy. And I maintained something in reserve, something that I could lavish on the first lucky boy – or man – who I truly wanted to feel inside me.
Finally – and I hate to tell you this, because it might sound calculating – but not having sex with people probably makes it easier to move on. The less physical intimacy you have with someone, the less likely they are to feel rejected when they hear that you’ve been getting off with someone else.
This approach isn’t a rejection of sex, far from it; it’s about finding a level of sexual expression that’s appropriate for your age, level of maturity, relationships, wishes and of course, the law. My friend Maureen formulated the basic rule of engagement for our sexual activities when I was a mere stripling – go forth, get off, but do not multiply. It worked for us: I’m sure it’ll work for you.