Do you get jealous? What if I told you that I am writing this column staring out at a beautiful blue sea, with the sun shining overhead, sipping an ice-cold beer? Chances are, you’re green with envy.

This week finds me back in my old stomping ground of South Africa, where I spent many of my formative years. The only drawback to my current sunny mood is that Westlife are blaring out of the beachside pub. Good old Ireland – you can check out, but you can never leave.
Boybands notwithstanding, I am having a great time. I have caught up with family, old friends and a number of ex-boyfriends. I have always tried to maintain affable relations with exes, and a number of them have become good friends. Having grown up in a smallish town, this was pragmatic – there were only so many places to go, so avoiding exes would have been impossible. Plus, having ever been a woman with a wandering eye, I have quite an impressive collection of former lovers. Some people collect stamps, but I was always more a philanderer than a philatelist. Every girl needs a hobby.
Certain friendships have been trickier to maintain than I anticipated. I seem to have been cast a bit part as the potential ‘other woman’ in certain peoples’ domestic dramas. Apparently, I have become a kind of Succubus – attacking poor innocent exes with my all-consuming, ravenous vagina. As if!
One former boyfriend’s fiancée gave him such grief about my impending visit that I decided not to see him at all. I spent a pleasant afternoon with another ex, only to find out that his girlfriend believed we had decided to renew our friendship carnally. Three days and several fights later, she decided that perhaps I was not such a threat and invited me to join them for lunch.
I thought the whole thing went well, only to be informed later that I had apparently been giving him significant ‘looks’ over the salt and pepper. If it wasn’t so tragic, it might have been funny. It’s not that I have moral issues about leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me, but I generally prefer to do the actual heart-breaking myself.
I am a girl with a healthy sense of self-esteem. I get my fair share of sexual propositions. All well and good. However, the truth is that men, as a rule, do not throw themselves at me offering anything even resembling half their kingdoms should I condescend to sleep with them. Sure, it happens every now and again, but not all the time. I realize, therefore, that I am not completely irresistible! Especially not this week, as I have turned a rather vivid shade of pink from too much exposure to the sun – damn Irish skin!
Nor am I in the habit of erecting impediments to the marriage of true minds. The only time you should get between couples is when they invite you – and even then proceed with caution.
Incidentally, I don’t mean to suggest that jealousy is a particularly female characteristic. I have had a number of possessive boyfriends – one of the main reasons why they are now ex-boyfriends. The worst offender stalked me for nearly a year after we broke up. Very few things put me off sex, but finding an ex staring in the bedroom window examining the proceedings is certainly one of them!
My lovely Conor was not all that thrilled at the idea of me prancing around in the sun with former lovers. Fair enough. We can all experience feelings of insecurity now and again, but it’s how you handle jealousy that makes the difference.
There is a belief that jealousy indicates that you care about your partner. Now I will admit that there may be something in this. If you don’t particularly mind whether or not your partner engages in extra-curricular activities, either you are incredibly open-minded or you are not all that keen on them. Friends of mine recently got engaged. I was grousing about my ex’s girlfriend treating me as a form of human anthrax when both of them admitted to feelings of jealousy, as this is the first time either of them have been really serious about a relationship. But they are able to discuss their fears without the situation getting out of control.
Jealous people are often their own worst enemies. Extreme possessiveness can sometimes create a self-fulfilling prophecy, driving a lover into the arms of a less demanding partner.
Of course there are some people who enjoy jealousy. Certain relationships seem to thrive on it. The drama can give sex an extra edge, which some people get off on. Others take pleasure in driving their lovers into jealous rages – it makes them feel powerful and in control of the relationship. Personally, I think if you enjoy being brutal to your lover, you’d be better off bringing kitchen implements into the bedroom. But anyway…
We live in a world of greatly increased sexual opportunities. This is a very good thing. Sure, it means that we have more chances to play away – but you can’t keep a lover faithful by restricting his or her access to people. Nor are we blind to the attractions of others. As I write I am enjoying the panoramic view of the sea and sky, but I am equally enthralled with a group of fit young blokes skipping around the beach in merely shorts and smiles. Tasty.
I’m not perving – it’s merely aesthetic appreciation. I could introduce myself and try taking them home with me, and Conor would be none the wiser. But I won’t because he’s smart enough to keep me sexually and emotionally satisfied, curbing my two-timing tendencies. Fidelity means nothing if you can’t cheat – only when you choose not do.
Besides which, I doubt my tiny tent would be able to withstand the rompings of four muscular men. I don’t like sleeping alone, but it’s a lot better than sleeping in the bush.