Women of Ireland! If you’ve been hiding a nagging attraction to another woman, don’t worry. You are not alone. In the last issue, I mentioned that a recent report in the journal Psychological Science found that highly sexed women are 27 times more likely than men to become attracted to their own sex. According to Dr Richard Lippa of California State University, who conducted the study, 8% of nominally straight women with high sex drives become attracted to members of their own sex. The same is true of only 0.3% of libidinous straight men.
That girls are more likely to bat for the other team – is that the right metaphor? I’ll have to think about that – is hardly news, but it’s nice to have the anecdotal evidence scientifically proven. Girls up and down the country are doing it every weekend, and depending on where you spent your Saturday evenings, you’re likely to have seen it. However, I was frankly amazed that only 8% of women are thought to have these tendencies. Almost every female I know has had at least one sexual experience with another girl.
My own first time was like any other new experience – exciting, but nerve-wracking. Kissing a girl is pretty much the same as kissing a guy, minus the stubble. It’s only when the clothes begin to get removed that things begin to look, and feel, quite different.
In my innocence I thought that I would automatically know what to do. This was not the case. Perhaps being confronted with a pair of breasts other than my own threw me initially, but at first I was unsure how to proceed. Once I relaxed I found I knew exactly how, what and where to concentrate my attentions. After all, I had been on the receiving end from men for years.
What struck me was not that my lover was differently equipped to the men that had shared my bed – it was the softness of her skin that stood out. This made the experience very sensual. We took things slowly at first, exploring the ins and outs of each other’s bodies. For girls, orgasm does not have to be the end point and we were happy to make love for hours. But we both came and it was delicious,
If you look at the sexes objectively, you’ll have to admit that women are generally more attractive than men. Not necessarily sexier, but definitely prettier – all the effort we put in pays dividends, girls! Women, even straight women, are not blind to this. Given the enabling circumstances, enough curiosity and a suitable partner, it’s no wonder that so many women have given it a go.
It’s not, I think, that women are more inquisitive or sexually adventurous than men. The big difference is that we are generally allowed more freedom to engage in same-sex activities without risking social censure. Teens are often confused about their sexuality and keen to experiment. Guys who want to know what it’s like to be with another man will almost inevitably be regarded as gay – a label they may not feel is an accurate description of their sexuality. It’s different for girls.
A lot of the time young women who wish to indulge can do so without worrying about what this means in terms of their sexual orientation. Depending on your social circle, female same-sex experiences may be regarded as just regarded as girlish fun and not as evidence that the women involved are gay or even bisexual. In fact, females getting friendly is not only socially acceptable; it’s practically a rite of passage.
This was certainly true for me at university. We thought we were all so open-minded, but the truth was that our sex lives were conducted according to a strict code of what and who was acceptable. Sleeping with the wrong boys would have been social suicide – but brownie points were earned for episodes of lipstick lesbianism. I often wonder how much of my friends’ behaviour was genuine and how much was motivated by social considerations, by the desire to look cool. There was definitely a show-off element involved. But whatever the reasons were, those of us who were curious were able to play the same sex game without constraint.
Girl-on-girl experimentation may be more acceptable because it doesn’t involve penetration – unless it’s with a dildo. Catholicism, and indeed most Christian religions, regard virginity as a blessed state to be maintained. For girls this means that no matter what you’ve done, if that all-important hymen is still in place, you are, at least technically, a virgin. Because of these beliefs, many of us successfully convince ourselves that anything that does not involve intercourse is not really sex – its just foreplay. Gay sex may not always involve penetration either, but this fact is overlooked by many straight people. Of course regarding non-penetrative sex as somehow less ‘real’ is ridiculous, but these beliefs make it easier for women to experiment.
Amusingly, the desire to please or titillate men can be enough to encourage some girls to get snogging with another girl, because girl-on-girl action is almost every man’s fantasy. When I told an ex about my colourful past, he was very anxious for me to recreate it for his benefit. He would beg me to snog my female friends and even went as far as to find out which of them would be willing to sleep with me. My friend Cathy’s boyfriend was the same. When he found out that she was attracted to a mutual (female) friend, he spent ages egging her on – on condition he could watch, or take part, of course.
One working assumption is that a woman will understand better what to do to turn another woman on – and it’s a theory that is worth checking out. Additionally, girls burned by bad relationships with men or who have experienced sexual assault may also be keen to try a relationship with a woman as this seems to be a safer option. Women often believe that these relationships will be easier, that another woman will understand them better, be interested in more than sex or not commit any of the relationship crimes that men are so prone to.
This was the case of my friend Tanya. When she fell pregnant, her boyfriend of many years skipped out on her, leaving her to face and finance an abortion alone. After this she swore off men and has been involved with women ever since. I don’t know if Tanya was always gay and needed a reason to admit it, or if she’ll revert to the straight – and narrow? – at some point, but for the time being she is happy.
For genuinely gay women, getting involved with a lipstick lesbian is risky. A few years ago my sister fell in love – unrequitedly – with a girl called Sarah, who fed her tequila and quoted T.S. Eliot to her on the night they met. When Sarah realised my sister was not gay, she refused to let their friendship go beyond platonic. She was looking for a serious relationship and knew my sister would never give up men entirely. She was right.
It’s no surprise that truly gay girls are not fond of their lipstick lesbian cousins. Almost inevitably these women will return to men at some point, potentially leaving a trail of broken hearts in their wake. Furthermore, the visible and socially acceptable presence of lipstick lesbians may well obscure the social issues faced by those who are genuinely gay and re-inforce the old macho chestnut that all they need is a really good shag to sort them out.
There are many reasons why women turn into lipstick lesbians – desire, an unfulfilling sex life, narcissism, to show off, because Madonna and Britney kissed on MTV or because they meet someone who is everything they want and who just happens to be female.
As for me, well, there were a number of reasons – attraction, circumstances, opportunity and perhaps most of all, good, old-fashioned curiosity. It’s one of my strongest beliefs you should try everything at least once. Well, almost everything. I’ll make an exception for crystal meth and line dancing. Experimentation is a good thing – but we all need to know where to draw the line.