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HOT OFF THE PRESS
COBAIN BUS TICKET MAY CONTAIN GERM OF AS YET UNHEARD SONG COBAIN BUS TICKET MAY CONTAIN GERM OF AS YET UNHEARD SONG NAMED AND SHAMED
Joe Donnelly, 08 Dec 2004
WHITE CHRISTMAS WAS ABOUT COCAINE, SAYS AUTHOR OF NEW BOOK ON BERLIN
In one of the most shocking turnabouts in the history of popular music, the real story behind the writing of ‘White Christmas’ has finally been revealed.
Made famous in a version by Bing Crosby, the song has been a schmaltzy Christmas standard since the 1930s. Little did those fans of Crosby – and of all the other 2487 artists who recorded the song – know that in fact it was a paean to the delights of the banned class A drug, cocaine.
“It’s the use of the word ‘white’ in the title that gives the game away,” says Joe Blow, the author of a new biography of the composer of the most recorded song of all time, Irving Berlin.
“Cocaine is usually consumed in powder form, and the powder is white,” the author elaborated. “Clearly the reference to dreaming in the song’s hook line suggests the use of a narcotic substance. There’s also a dead give away when he says ‘May your days be merry and bright’. Cocaine users generally experience a heightened sense of awareness that gives everything an added brightness, which is what’s being referred to here. And then, of course, there is the reference elsewhere in the song to ‘snow’, which as everyone knows is a synonym for cocaine. So there’s no doubt about it. ‘White Christmas’ is about cocaine. It’s an incontrovertible fact.”
*Responding to the revelations yesterday, a spokesman for the US President George Bush has called for the song to be banned from American radio. “We are completely committed to the war on drugs, which means that Mr. Bush is determined to keep clearly damaging material of this kind off the airwaves,” he said.
In a related development, a spokesman for AARS (the Association of American Radio Stations) said that they didn’t intend to play the song anymore anyway, because it wasn’t relevant to a demographic that was of interest to advertisers. Bing Crosby, who is dead, was unavailable to comment.
COBAIN BUS TICKET MAY CONTAIN GERM OF AS YET UNHEARD SONG
One of Kurt Cobain’s electricity bills is to be published next month in a new collection of recently discovered works by the enigmatic Nirvana front-man. The bill shows an account credit of $8 at the end of July 1991 after the rock star had slightly overpaid his bill in May of the same year. Also included in the latest volume of Cobain musings are a receipt for a combo meal from Taco Bell, a Blockbuster membership card and a bus ticket with the word “Love” written on it. “This is a very exciting discovery,” a spokesman for Geffen Records told Hot Off The Press. “We are considering the possibility of commissioning another writer to finish the song, so that there will be something essential to add to fans’ record collections. Once we get it recorded by another artist, of course.”
Meanwhile, Courtney Love has responded positively to the news. “Obviously, Kurt was writing a new song about me,” she told Associated Press. Dave Grohl was unavailable for comment.
NAMED AND SHAMED
There were emotional scenes outside the European Court of Band Name Arbitration yesterday after three up and coming bands were formally stripped of their identities. The unprecedented ruling declared their names “just too ridiculous to be permitted.” The disgraced bands are: Handsome Boy Modelling School, 80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster and Totally Imperious From Mandelson. “Even their acronyms are a load of crap,” a spokesman for the court commented, following the ruling. “I mean, EMBLD – what the fuck is that all about?”
In the fine print of what is a detaled 48 page ruling, the panel of six judges ordered the groups to “dream it all up again and come up with decent names – like Coldplay, U2 or even The Troggs.”
“They were a great little band,“ one of the Judges told Hot Off The Press, in an exclusive off the record briefing. “I loved ‘Wild Thing’. It’s one of my favourite singles of all time. It’s a real pain in the arse that they’re not making records any more.”