- Lifestyle & Sports
- 15 Oct 03
Fancy getting fit? Caught In The Net presents slavercise: the perfect regime for those who need a little extra motivation (whip-cracking noise) Whtt-tchhhh!
As a firm believer in looking after one’s body, Caught In The Net is intrigued by a new keep-fit craze that has been gripping New York. Actually, not just gripping but gouging, poking, biting and smacking. Very hard.
Run by a strict disciplinarian who goes by the name of Miss Victoria, Slavercise is “a genuine fitness class… and you’ll be a little more motivated when your instructor is a taunting woman with a whip. You can opt for physical/verbal punishment for not keeping up. Watch your ass and don’t skimp on the deodorant. This is not your usual one-handed workout.”
If you’re partial to hot crossed buns, log on to www.slavercise.com for an appointment.
Someone who could definitely do with having an inch or two pinched is the willy waving Extreme Elvis.
Explaining how his XXX-rated tribute to The King came about, the Californian says: “I was at The Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert. I was dressed in a white Elvis jumpsuit that I’d been wearing constantly. It had Hershey stains on the backside. I was wearing Elvis sunglasses. My hair was matted and my face was unshaven. I was eating psychedelic mushrooms. My girlfriend and I were fighting constantly and had already broken up twice in two days.
“I got hammered and affected this drawl – half Elvis, half me. Then I more or less acted as pied piper for a half-dozen other folks. We made a small parade through the desert collecting people as we went. Once we arrived at this camp called Bianca’s Smut Shack, I sodmised my friend Bill with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in plain view of everyone. It was the start of something. And the end of something else. My relationship with my girlfriend!”
In the unlikely event that you want to find out more, log on to www.extremeeelvis.com
Extreme Elvis isn’t alone in sleazing his way round the American club circuit. Visit www.metroactive.com/papers/cruz/07.10.02/shockrock-0228.html and discover the dubious delights of Nashville Pussy, Lords Of Acid, The Genitorturers and Texas Terri who “used to shove Gummi worms up my pussy. Marilyn Manson gave me the idea and pulled them out, one at a time, to feed to the punk boys at the front of the stage.” Nice.
Which just leaves us time to mouse-click our way to www.unitednuclear.com (mail-order radioactive uranium ore); www.sillyjokes.com (anatomically correct plastic severed legs); and www.eroscillator.com (ladies, meet the French Legionnaire’s Moustache).