Pop quiz, hotshots! Which of the following is worse for your health – (a) the regular inhalation of second-hand tobacco smoke or (b) being smacked hard on the back of the skull with a sock full of Ever Ready batteries?

That’s the question that every prison warden in Ireland will be nervously pondering next New Year’s Eve, the night before Nanny Health Minister Michael Martin’s proposed smoking ban comes into effect (and by the way, ten out of ten doctors agree that the answer is most definitely the whack on the head).
It sounds insane because it is – they’re seriously going to try and ban nicotine in the nick! As well as hotels, restaurants and bars, the proposed no-smoke zone covers all other workplaces – including the country’s prisons and youth detention centres. From January 1, 2004, tobacco smoking will be as forbidden in the lower case tea rooms of Mountjoy or Arbour Hill as it will be in the capitalised Tea Rooms of the Clarence.
Of course, this isn’t the first time tobacco has been picked on by the puritans, but Ireland is the first country in modern times to attempt such an extreme prohibition. Historically, smoking was widely proscribed as late as the 18th century and the punishments meted out to those caught breaking the law were serious. In Germany, the smoker was heavily fined, in Russia exiled, and in Italy excommunicated. In Iran, the smoker’s pipe was driven through his nose and then the unfortunate lawbreaker was paraded around town as a warning to others. And in Turkey and Arabia, smokers were tortured to death.
In fairness, Martin’s proposal isn’t quite so cruel (though you wonder what he’d do if he thought he could get away with it), but there’s undeniably going to be a lot of unnecessary extra misery inflicted on a lot of already suffering people if his smoking ban is practised in prisons.
At the last count there were 3,215 prisoners in Ireland, guarded by 3,243 prison officers. There are no statistics available for the habits of the officers, but 80 per cent of the male and 90 per cent of female prisoners are nicotine addicts. And those figures are set to sharply rise once the prisons start filling up with new arrivals, smokers convicted of violently assaulting one of the new Tobacco Enforcement Officers in a pub.
Joking aside, this isn’t just asking for trouble – this is practically demanding it. Leaving aside the argument that, since we haven’t been offered the democratic option of voting on it, Martin’s proposal is downright fascism, surely denying tobacco addicts their nicotine fix constitutes extreme physical and mental cruelty? After all, it’s not like prisoners can go outside for a fag whenever they want.
Some former addicts maintain that nicotine withdrawal is actually worse than heroin withdrawal. Both together, then, must surely be sheer fucking murder. And, let’s face it, Irish prisons aren’t exactly short of heroin addicts – many of them just about holding it together on methadone. Surely it’s barbaric and inhumane to force another withdrawal on them? Or are the government going to supply the prison population with nicotine patches and gum? Somehow, I can’t see Charlie McCreevy agreeing to pay for that.
Mountjoy governor John Lonergan has already publicly admitted that a smoking ban would be “difficult” to enforce. What he probably meant to say was that banning smoking in prison is tantamount to throwing a lit Marlboro butt into an oil spill. The timing of January 1st couldn’t be worse either. Prisons are stressful environments at the best of times, but ex-cons will always tell you that the two very worst nights to be banged-up are the eves of Christmas and New Year – nights you should be celebrating with your family and friends, rather than staring regretfully at a metal door.
Nobody wants to start a new year in captivity. And nobody wants to face cold turkey on New Year’s Day. Being told that in addition to all their other troubles, they now can’t even have a smoke in peace could well be the final straw for more than 2,000 already stressed out and frustrated Irish prisoners, for whom nicotine is almost as essential to their existence as oxygen. Remember, there was no such thing as ‘air rage’ until they banned smoking on flights. Smokers get very restless and agitated when they haven’t had a smoke. And if there isn’t an old Chinese proverb that says ‘You don’t kick an angry snake’ then there should be. As Ireland is the first modern nation to enforce this kind of ban, the eyes of the world media and foreign governments will undoubtedly be on us on January 1st. Unless the Health Minister sees sense soon, and makes prisons an exception to the rule, what they’ll be witnessing will be TV footage of rooftop protests and headlines screaming ‘RIOTS ERUPT IN IRISH JAILS’.