My mother taught me two important lessons about sex. 1) Use contraception; and 2) Make your own sexual choices.

One Sunday afternoon, over roast beef and spuds, my older sister announced that she, at the tender age of 19, was expecting her first child. Sally’s timing couldn’t have been worse. My dear old dad, normally a mild-mannered man, turned all Jekyll and Hyde and chased her around the dining room with the carving knife.
Luckily, a thirty-a-day cigarette habit meant that he was not as quick as he used to be, and Sally, not letting impending motherhood slow her down, managed to sprint away. Our screams must have brought my father to his senses. He stopped, realised what he was doing and promptly burst into tears, offering to do whatever she wanted.
What she wanted was to get married and a few months later she was living in a small town with her new husband and an expanding waistline. After this, I never forgot my mother’s first lesson – pregnancy meant death or the suburbs. Neither appealed.
My mother’s second lesson was just as important, perhaps more so, but at times it’s been a little harder to follow. Your sexual choices are not just up to you – there are at least two people in a sexual relationship, and unfortunately etiquette demands that your partner gets an equal say in what goes on between the sheets, on top of them or on the kitchen counter – unless you are in dom/sub relationship of course, but that’s a different kettle of whips.
Squaring what you want with what your partner wants isn’t always easy. You may wish to shag in Stephen’s Green and frighten the ducks; he or she may think that a Saturday evening covered in liquid latex having sex to the warbles of Celine Dion is time well spent, but unless you both agree, it ain’t gonna happen, and therein lies the rub.
On Thursday evenings I do a radio spot called Sexual Speaking with Victor Barry on Cork’s Red FM. Almost every week, somebody calls or texts in a variation on the one question that it’s always difficult to answer – what do you do when you and your partner want different things sexually?
Sometimes there is an easy compromise between two people’s different desires; but frequently there’s not, particularly if the debate involves a lifestyle upheaval – whether it’s opening up a monogamous relationship or getting involved in threesomes or swinging.
Things are easier when two people agree about what constitutes a good time sexually. But our sexual appetites can become more curious or more conservative the older we get or the longer we know someone. It depends on the individual(s) and so it’s not always easy to predict how the sexual dynamic between two people will change.
Read any book on the secrets of a successful sex life and they all have one important injunction – keep an open mind. Many things, such as fear, religion, shame, shyness, inexperience or bodily hang-ups can prevent you from enjoying your sex life to the full, or expressing who you are sexually.
An open mind is important, but it’s just as important to be happy with the sexual decisions you do make. If these clash, how do you resolve the two?
There are no right or wrong sexual choices between consenting adults, but there are good and bad ones. Here’s how you tell the difference: if you agree to try something because you want to, because you’re curious, because it sounds fun, or because you’re horny, that’s a good sexual choice. A bad sexual choice is when you agree to take part in a sexual act for reasons other than your own sexual curiosity or pleasure.
Sometimes we might need a little nudge in the right direction, and that’s fine. But – and here’s the real issue – if you are coerced or pressured into a sexual act you really don’t want to do, chances are you’ll regret your behaviour. Sexually, what’s happening in your head is as important as what’s happening to your body.
When deciding what to do sexually, it’s a good idea to remove ideas about sin or morality from the equation. Instead think of your sexual options like shopping for clothes. With sex, as with shopping, you can be tempted by prevailing fashions or swayed by the opinions of others; if you don’t get it right you can be plunged into endless hours of frustration and self-criticism; both might seem to offer an endless variety of options, but as often as not it’s just variations on the same recurring themes; both can be expensive habits that are too often used as an emotional stopgap.
For sex – like shopping – there are a few simple guidelines that seem to work: try out your options; don’t always assume that you – or your co-conspirator(s) – will get it right on the first occasion; find out what suits you but be willing to experiment; remember that, like clothes, dressing up can be an adventure – wear the right gear and you can be someone else for the evening; decide what it is you want; never accept something that’s a bad fit; but most importantly of all, avoid harsh lighting.
Get the lighting right, and you’re halfway there.
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