So you ve qualified for the heats of the Bacardi Unplugged band competition, but now you re wondering how you can increase your chances of getting hold of the #15,000 prize package on offer for the overall winner.
At this point there s only the panel of judges, invariably drawn from the music media and the industry, between you and the Bacardi treasure trove and the glitzy world of the music industry beyond. You know that you re brilliant, and the judges should be able to spot your unlimited talents straight off, but just look at them sitting over there, over-confident, over-paid and wearing their cynicism unapologetically on their sleeves. They think they ve seen it all before. Unfortunately they probably have and in reality they re going to be hard to impress.
So what advice can we offer? In practical terms it s probably easier to tell you what not to do than to come up with a magic five-point winning formula that ll somehow guarantee you a place at the table when the goodies are being distributed. After all, if it was that easy, we d do it ourselves.
It ll help your cause if you approach the event with a sense of fun and a positive, professional spirit. Cause any unnecessary grief for any of the organisers and it ll get back to the judges quicker than you can say Bacardi and Coke . It could even cost you votes too. It s all very well acting rebellious and petulant like you think real rock stars do all the time, and it can be great fun to read about the sulkiness of the great, but it s a real pain in the ass for those trying to get on with their work while you play with your ego. This is a small industry with a tight-knit media community, so time-wasters and unreliable gobsheens get identified very quickly and get avoided even faster. Let s face it: you re trying to launch your career, not strangle it at birth.
So arriving on time and getting on with the task in hand would be a good start, but if you re a bad loser, pull out of the contest now so that we can include somebody else instead.
Don t do anything silly, like buying panellists drinks before hand. In fact, just in case somebody gets the wrong idea, you re best advised to avoid the judges altogether until after the gig. It will do you no harm to supply the promoter with copies of the band s set list which he can give to the panel before you take the stage. This is particularly important for any of the panellists who plan to review the gig or might want to comment on radio or television about a particular song of yours. That little bit of forethought might prevent you losing some valuable publicity.
Don t try to be too smart. The judges probably have an average of ten years more experience of this sort of thing than you have and they ve seen most of it before. It might be a great laugh to, say, run over time, but you ll pay for it in lost votes, and the promoter, other potential music sponsors and the venue will put you in their black books instantly.
Most important of all, remember you are on that stage to communicate with a living breathing audience who ve sacrificed watching Podge And Rodge to support local music. If that realisation doesn t inject something special into your performance, you might as well play your demo over the PA and retire to the pool table for all the difference it ll make.
The audience for each heat of Bacardi Unplugged have a vote that equals one panel member, and their vote has been the deciding factor on several occasions, so it makes sense to ensure that you get as many of your real fans to the gig as you can. The other bands probably will do so anyway.
It s also worth accepting the fact that all judges are prejudiced in some regard or other. One might passionately believe that anybody doing a drum solo should be exterminated without trial and that capital punishment should be restored specifically for bongo players and didgeridoo blowers. Others will be seriously turned off by such outworn stage clichis as putting your foot on a monitor, sticking a ciggie between the strings of your guitar, asking the audience are they ready to rock and the otherwise harmless crime of playing bass with one s thumb. Equally, another judge might be raised to the heights of ecstasy by such matters.
My own personal biases include guitarists who lean against each others backs and singers who practically force the crowd to clap or sing along whether they want to or not. The audience is not there to entertain you, (it s the other way round, folks) and trying too hard to get them involved only underscores how bad you are at communicating through your music.
But ultimately all such personal prejudices melt into the ether when you hear a band who simply have that magic, unbottleable ingredient. Your band obviously would not have entered Bacardi Unplugged unless you thought you slotted into that category, so your best bet is to go out there and put your combined talents on display with all the energy, good humour, sense of fun, zest, commitment, passion, presence, charisma, excitement, talent, spirit and drama you can muster.
It s quite easy, really. In fact, I must try it myself sometime. n

The next heat of Bacardi Unplugged takes place in Whelan s, Dublin on Wednesday 27th January. The line-up is The Hallys, Husk, Melt, The Blew and Brando.