Why do they call it ‘losing’ your virginity? I know exactly when and where I left mine. I could have gone back and fetched it, but I found I had no more use for it.

Virginity has been regarded as many things – a precious gift, a commodity and a curse. Back in the bad old days before the sexual revolution, woe betide any girl foolish enough to have given up hers before the ring was firmly in place on the finger. Men, on the other hand, were allowed a little more leeway. These days very few of us expect to marry virgins or not to have a sexual history ourselves. So why in these sexually liberated times is abstinence still being preached to teenagers?
The American Christian organisation, the Silver Ring Thing, has been on the road throughout the UK and Ireland recently preaching the abstinence message. Teenagers are invited to a rally where they hear virginity testimonies and are asked to sign a pledge to remain virgins until marriage. They are then asked to fork over fifteen quid to buy a silver ring as a constant reminder of this pledge. In an arrangement that is similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous system, pledgers are then paired with a support buddy, who they can call if they feel they might give in to temptation.
I have several problems with groups like the Silver Ring Thing and True Love Waits. The first is the idea that having sex somehow makes you less of a person. In its website, the Silver Ring Thing asks, “Would you eat a cookie that already had a bite taken out of it?” This analogy is insulting in the extreme and I don’t mean just to women. The idea is that those of us who have had sexual relations are somehow incomplete, used up, only fit for the bin. You can call me a toe rag, a wagon or even a slapper if you wish, but I really object to being referred to as a cookie. I’m definitely more of a muffin.
Secondly, groups like the Silver Ring Thing preach an all-or-nothing message. On its website, SRT has a section entitled “How Far is Too Far?” This comprises questions to help adherents work out what they can and cannot do. If these questions were to be answered honestly, most pledgers would be restricted to nothing more exciting than sharing popcorn at the movies.
For example, would you be jealous if you saw your boyfriend or girlfriend doing these things with some one else? Although my lovely Conor is merely a gnawed-on old cookie, he managed a Heathcliff-like passion when I snogged someone else a while ago. Fair enough. If the situation had been reversed, I’m sure I would have felt the same way.
This all or nothing message is dangerous. Seeing as the average pledger remains a virgin for about 18 months after making the vow, sexual experience can become a minefield of guilt. Furthermore, by equating teenage fumblings with the worst excesses of Marilyn Manson, abstinence groups are telling curious teens that should they engage in any sexual behaviour whatsoever, they might as well have had sex as they have already gone too far.
A certain amount of testing the water is necessary before we feel comfortable enough to have full penetrative sex. It’s normal, and teens should be encouraged to experiment but wait until they are mature enough to have full sex. Even if you planned to wait until marriage, you can’t go from handholding to the Karma Sutra on the wedding night. Not possible.
Finally, and most importantly, my biggest problem with abstinence groups is that they teach adherents that safe sex does not work. Studies in the US have found that teenagers who take the abstinence vow are just as likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases as other teens. There may be a myriad of reasons why teenagers pick up STDs, but it is truly frightening that some do simply because they believe that condoms don’t work. This is Christianity at its most sinister, and parents who give the tiniest shit about their children’s welfare should keep them well away from anyone who lies about safe sex.
I have nothing against virginity, having spent several years as a virgin myself. Nor chastity. Should you choose not to engage in sexual relationships until you get married, that’s your business. But teaching responsible sexual behaviour is vital. Confusing the issue with misinformation and guilt is criminal irresponsibility; as bad as pressurising young people into sexual relationships that they are not yet mature enough to handle.
During my younger years I dated two boys who had taken the abstinence pledge. Yeah, I know this is hard to believe, but I promise you faithfully that it’s true. One relationship fell apart because we were too different, but we’re still good friends. He is 30 now and still a virgin. I think he’s crazy, but I respect that he’s stuck to his beliefs. I send him my column to him regularly as he gets a lot of vicarious enjoyment out of my sex life.
The second relationship ended because one night we went too far – shirts were removed. Shocking! He would hardly talk to me the following day. I was prepared to do without sex, but I was not prepared to feel like a wicked Jezebel every time we got horny. He is about as pure the driven mud these days, so I think he owes me an apology. Or maybe a decent rogering.