How important is sexual technique? Given that there are lots of books written on the subject, you might be forgiven for thinking that the ability to give a great blowjob or to twist your body into remarkable angles is of the essence when it comes to sexually satisfying someone else – and thereby having a good relationship.
If this were the case, things would be relatively easy. Sexual techniques could be taught at college and we’d qualify with all the skills necessary to ensure the smooth running of a romance and the continuation of the species. Unfortunately, life is a little bit more complicated than that.
Dr Petra Boynton, the well-known British sex and relationship psychologist, states that gaps in sex education, income and critical awareness mean that most people, even in the sexually open West, are ignorant – and therefore anxious – about sex. That was certainly true, going back a few years. But now that there is much more information available about sex, can it be true that many of us still don’t really know the first thing about it?
The way Boynton sees it, this information overload itself may be part of the problem. She suggests that much of the media coverage of sex promotes feelings of dissatisfaction with our sex lives, so that many of us think we are not having ‘proper sex’. And maybe we aren’t. But according to what criteria? Is there such a thing as proper sex?
In the last issue of Hot Press, I wrote about how for years I studied articles on sex techniques in my endeavour to be ‘good’ at sex. I suppose it is entirely possible that if the articles hadn’t existed, I wouldn’t have been so worried about my technique in the first place. I remember reading a woman’s magazine that described the female orgasm as feeling like waves crashing all over the body. Well, that’s sounds wonderful, but mine doesn’t feel like that – and for years I worried that my orgasm was somehow ‘wrong’.
Which raises an interesting question: is the wider availability of information a good thing – or might it be a potential barrier to fulfilment? In this column I try to discuss various aspects of sex in an honest and open way. I have discussed role-playing, S&M, fantasy, threesomes, toys, techniques and a lot more besides, in essence because I believe that experimenting sexually is both fun and rewarding. And it is, at least for me and for many other people. The point is, hopefully, to inspire readers to be as open and experimental as possible in their approach to sex. Why? Well, the best answer to that is probably: why not? But what is not intended is any suggestion that unless people are swinging from the chandeliers every other week, they are in some way inferior or possibly even losers.
Much of the media coverage about sex is about mechanics of the action. The underlying message is that sex is a set of skills that needs to be mastered if we are to be any good at it. But that’s a bit of a simplification. Technique isn’t everything.
When you fall in lust, or in love, with someone, it’s not their sexual skills, but rather your hormones that make you want to jump their bones at every available opportunity. The hormone, phenylethylamine (PEA), creates a natural high, so you can’t stop thinking about sex. Unless your lover is either thoroughly inconsiderate or utterly clueless about sex in general, then their technique doesn’t count for a whole lot during this stage.
The delights of PEA wear off, or so the experts tells us, after about three to six months and you are then confronted with the reality of a flawed human being, who may have dodgy toenails, irritating habits or, worse – in some circumstances at least (usually after six pints) – be a right bore! Of course, they may still be lovely, just not quite the sex god or goddess you initially thought. Worse still, they have realised the same thing about you!
At this stage, it becomes more important to be creative sexually so that ennui doesn’t set in. But one thing is for sure: it won’t matter a damn that you know a hundred and one different positions if your partner has decided that they don’t actually like you that much. You can try, but you can’t fuck someone into falling in love with you.
Sex therapists such as Tracey Cox and David Schnarch believe that sexual relationships can get raunchier the longer a couple knows one another and that the most important things to keep lust on the boil are intimacy, honesty and openness. I’d like to think this is true – after all, I don’t want to be trawling nightclubs looking for hot sex when I am in my '60s. But I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than two years, so I can’t really comment!
What I can say is that any of the longish relationships I’ve been involved in didn’t end because I was unhappy with my lover’s sexual skills. An ex of mine taught me many new techniques and I tried things with him that I had never done before. Unfortunately he was also a chronic liar. All the sexual acrobatics in the world won’t help if a relationship is fundamentally flawed or if the individual you’re mating with is simply untrustworthy.
So if sexual techniques are not the most important thing for either short or long term relationships, are they important at all? The answer is yes. But it isn’t just ‘techniques’. It is about how free and open you are to explore the further recesses of sexual need or desire – whether in your partner or yourself. Introducing something new into a sexual relationship, whether it’s a new position, a new toy or a new realm of fantasy can give your sex life a fresh dimension that has you and your partner buzzing. In fact it’s often the people who are the happiest with their sex lives that are the most willing to give something a go. Should your lover suggest something new, it may well be not because he or she is bored, but because they feel good about themselves – and, more importantly, about you as a lover.
The sex tips that appear in each issue of hotpress are suggestions. If they appeal to you, then try them out. Sometimes it may be necessary to do something a few times before you get the hang of it, but that’s okay. On one memorable occasion I was trying out a new position with a lover and instead of being transported to sexual ecstasy, we ended up falling off the bed. We may have got it ‘wrong’, but we still had a great time. Laughter is almost as good as sex. Mmmmm, nearly almost…
Thing is, you could spend half your life concentrating on the technicalities of sex – and it might make you a proficient lover, but not necessarily a good one. There are some techniques that we all need to know. But these are basic things – such as how to kiss without slobbering and how to give oral sex without putting the fear of God into the recipient that some vital part of their anatomy might be bitten off.
The rest is all icing on the cake. Tasty icing – yes. Desirable icing – by all means. But the bedroom ain’t a lab, and sex ain’t a science – and shouldn’t be approached as such.