My friend Gary has broken his arm. Not as he told me, playing rugby. Oh no, nothing quite as manly as that. Instead I learnt from his sister Kate that Gary fell out of a tree. Pruning, perhaps? Rescuing a kitten? Well, no, if only. Gary was fetching a stray balloon. What a hero!

Ah, but this simple tale has a twist. The balloon belonged to the snot-nosed kid next door. You can probably guess the rest – yep, Gary has the hots for the mammy. This was his big chance to introduce himself and make a good impression. Oh dear…
Things could have been worse I suppose. When I eventually got the full story from him I learnt that the MILF in question made the correct shocked and sympathetic noises when he finished his journey earthwards and drove him to A&E afterwards.
Oh how I laughed! I laughed till tears rolled down my eyes. Poor fecker. But I shouldn’t have really – most of us have done stupid, odd or downright crazy things in pursuit of sex.
When you think about it rationally, it doesn’t make much sense. After all, these days sex is hardly a rare commodity. It’s easy to find, perhaps a little more so for women, but not that much more. Unless you are particularly timid, have unusually high standards or rarefied tastes, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t score on a regular enough basis.
But sex itself is not always enough. Sometimes our wandering eye lights upon a particular specimen of humanity and stays put – at least for as long as it takes to persuade him or her to visit our bed. Sometimes it’s romantic, other times it’s sexual, but once we’ve fixated upon someone we really fancy, we’ve simply gotta have ‘em. No question about it. And for some ironic reason – fate, the stars, karma or whatever you’re having yourself – more often than not, the person in question isn’t exactly gagging for us in return. In these cases, action above and beyond the call of duty may be required.
I wish I could say that I was above such things, but alas no. Luckily though, I’ve generally managed to retain my dignity by not falling on my arse – but of course I’ve done things I wouldn’t normally dream of in pursuit of sexual satisfaction.
These have included minor infractions such as acting as if I agreed with, or even cared about, whatever my intended was saying; spending money I couldn’t really afford on airfares to visit a lover; jumping off a really high bridge for a dare (into a river, naturally. I may have been crazy with lust, but I was not completely crazy); and pretending I really, really liked thrash metal since I was completely in lust with the singer of a thrash band. A little lie and a lot of headbanging can go a long way and not only did he keep me satisfied for a few weeks, he even wrote a song for me. It was a pity then I could never distinguish it from his other songs!
I decided to ask around to see what my friends had done in order to impress their object of affection. Comparatively speaking my actions have been small potatoes.
Ronan started off small – getting a piercing to impress a girl – but eventually graduated to risking life and limb by having an affair with a married woman whose ‘gangsta’ husband would have had no compunction about committing GBH on his delicate frame.
My friend Anthony answered to the name of Cedric for two weeks because a young woman he’d met at a party thought she recognised him as the lad with this name and he chose not to disabuse her of the notion. Finally tiring of the moniker, he fessed up – but she was not best pleased, and dumped him immediately. But no hard feelings, he’s a total player and after two weeks, he was ready to move on anyway.
Then there is my sister who decided to impress a wacky, artistic type by taking a somewhat unique approach to introductions. She had a Mohican at the time and got me to turn her hair into palm trees and paint an island scene on her head. She then introduced herself to him by asking if he’d be interested in buying timeshare on her personal little paradise. Oddly enough, this actually worked!
But my favourite trick of all time belongs to a young man named Sean. He had much success with this – women in their droves fell for it, and Sean was never short of a shag – so I’m going to share it with all the lovely male readers of hotpress, because if you’re brave enough to give it a go, then more power to you.
When in pursuit of a young lady who did not seem mutually keen, Sean would take her into his confidence and tell her his big secret – that he, poor lad, was impotent. According to the doctor, he would say, there was nothing physically wrong, it was just that he, being a sensitive type, needed to find an equally sensitive, caring woman to bed, so that he would be able to relax.
There is nothing many women like more than a project, so Sean was ‘cured’ several times. He got away with this for years, and it was only after two of my friends discovered that they were both responsible for Sean’s miraculous recovery three years apart that his story was rumbled. Underhand and devious it may have been, but you gotta give the guy kudos for originality.
As for Gary, well I hope the broken arm will be well rewarded. Since the accident, the lovely neighbour lady has invited him to lunch. Okay, so he may have spent a great deal of it playing soccer with the brat (“Look at me, I am a sensitive, caring man who is fond of children!”) but he’s hopeful, choosing to believe that she’s waiting until he’s back to full physical fitness before shagging him senseless in gratitude.
You know what they say – no pain, no gain!