Men, it has to be said, are a strange bunch. So strange that not that long ago I dedicated an entire column to the weirdos, freaks and geeks that ladies encounter on an all too frequent basis (You can find it, and many other delightful things, on hotpress.com).

I was chatting to a male friend the other day and I realised that perhaps I had been a tad biased. He had a tale or two about perfidious, difficult women, which forced me to admit that although we may be the fairer sex, at times, while women may often be electric, they are no picnic either.
Indeed, women can be demanding, impossible to please, moody, and at certain times of the month, verging on the clinically psychopathic. On occasion, we’ll accept your drinks, then give you the cold shoulder; cackle at your bungled attempts at courtship; treat you with disdain; flirt with your friends; and be downright rude. I say “we” but obviously I don’t mean me; of course not, I’m always charming!*
What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, so in the interests of fair and balanced journalism, I thought that this week I’d turn the tables and cast my gimlet eye on the girls. Be afraid, ladies, be very afraid.
BARGAIN BASEMENT BEYONCÉ
Normal human beings cannot do the Beyoncé butt shake. Fact. But that doesn’t stop some girls from trying. While most women underestimate their attractions, this girl thinks she’s hot stuff and she’s got the moves to prove it. Granted, everyone is looking at her, but in her alcopop-induced fog of self-delusion she hasn’t noticed that it’s shock, not awe. Her beer goggles are firmly fixated on her own glorious self – the more she drinks, the better looking she becomes.
THE MAN-HATER
“What I don’t get,” said my friend Mr H in a thoughtful mood one night, “are the girls that tell you that all men are bastards, and then complain that they don’t have a boyfriend.” Yep, I don’t get that one either. Here is the most basic rule of social interaction: if you want people to respect you, you’ve gotta give ‘em some respect. The Man-Hater has forgotten this so she rarely gets laid let alone a second or third date. She spends Saturday nights stewing in vitriol and vodka and frightening off the men brave enough to approach her, and Sunday mornings scowling at couples as they buy the papers and croissants. “Why don’t I have that?” she wonders as she elbows the bloke in front of her out of the way and glares at the cashier, “It’s not fair!”
Ms Twenty Questions
What job do you do? What car do you drive? Do you rent or own? Ms Twenty Questions wants to check your current and future earning potential before getting frisky. It’s not a date; it’s an interview with drinks. And yes, you’ll be paying.
SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS
Bright orange tan? Check. Make-up applied with a trowel? Check. Talon-like acrylic nails? Check. This lovely lady tries hard. She’ll spend hours in front of the mirror and almost all her disposable income on clothes, but the end result is not good. She was aiming for soap star slash WAG slash fashionista; instead she looks like a cross between a circus clown and a very amateur drag queen. There may be a perfectly attractive girl somewhere under all that muck, but you’d need a power hose and a scrubbing brush to find her.
The High Maintenance Honey
When your eyes first met across the crowded room, you could not believe your luck. She was the most attractive woman you had ever seen in the flesh, and she actually smiled at you. When she took you home, you thought all your birthdays had come at once. But six months down the line you’ve realised that those good looks need a lot of time, money and attention. Plus there’s a lot less sex in this relationship than you had expected – not on the days she has had her hair professionally blow-dried, her fake tan sprayed on or is between waxes. She frets about her clothes, a broken nail causes major emotional upheaval, and the last time you were ill, she put on a full face of makeup before venturing out to the chemist as you lay in pain and prayed for death or Nurofen. You are beginning to think she is not worth the hassle, and you are probably right.
LITTLE MISS BRAWLER
She drinks like a fish, swears like a sailor and likes nothing better than ending an evening out with a spot of hair-pulling, bitch-slapping and casual violence. Ladylike? I think not.
BRIDEZILLA-TO-BE
From the age of seven, our little Bridezilla has been planning her wedding. She’s chosen the dress, the venue, even the damn party favours: all that’s missing is a groom. This means she will marry the first man that asks. If a proposal is not forthcoming in a timely fashion, she isn’t above giving her partner a forceful nudge in the right direction, especially if all her friends are settling down. Bridezilla-To-Be is more interested in the big day out than the actual marriage, and you will still be paying off the wedding debts five years later when she files for separation. Fun!
Daddy’s Little Princess
This lady has been honing her manipulation skills since she was knee-high to a grasshopper. She had Daddy wrapped around her little finger and all it took was a well-timed pout to get her way. She may be all grown up but she still expects to be treated like a princess. Although she earns plenty of money herself, she expects you to pay for everything and ‘surprise’ her regularly with expensive gifts, flowers and tokens of esteem. No matter how kind, considerate and generous you are, you’ll always fall short of her impossibly high expectations – whatever you do, you’ll never
be Daddy.
Ms Room To Improve
Ms Room To Improve has misplaced maternal instincts. What she needs is a child or younger sibling to order around, but if she doesn’t have one she’ll go for the next best thing – you. You’re not a boyfriend – you’re a fixer-upper. She’s spotted your potential and thus she’s decided to make a project of you. It will start off subtly, perhaps some advice on the latest male fashions, but will end with her telling you to get rid off most of your friends, half your family and all of your clothes. What Ms Room to Improve is doing is a very slow form of castration, only neither of you realise it until it’s too late. When she’s finished remaking you to her own specifications, she’ll dump you complaining you’re just not the man you used to be.
Strangest of All…
Even the sweetest woman can have a moment where she goes ‘suddenly psycho’ and: refuses to leave the house because she has nothing to wear; accuses you of being an unfeeling bastard or a two-timing rat; throw a strop; or break down in tears over a trivial incident. We can’t help it – it’s either PMS or you that are to blame. It’s all part of our charm, and probably the reason why we have breasts and men have large dollops of testosterone.
Men complain about crazy-assed, unreasonable, difficult and hard to please women, but the strangest truth of all is, many men prefer bitches. After a few years of disappointing dating, many women learn that if we are kind, even-tempered and reasonable, the chances are you won’t call, but if we have a hissy fit then we get flowers. Boys, you only have yourself to blame.
* Well, mostly… Terms & Conditions apply.