Modern life is rubbish. Or so said Blur back in the 1990s. Personally I disagree. Modern life is pretty good, actually – but having said that there’s no denying that the old-fashioned art of etiquette is dying out.

Not all that long ago you’d have been a social pariah for eating peas off your knife or wearing a colourful dickie-bow to a black-tie event. Shame on you!
These days we’re much more relaxed, and rightly so. At the same time, certain social graces are worth developing. Nowhere is this more important than in relation to sex.
While your Mammy will have taught you the importance of saying please and thank you, chances are she never taught you the correct way to behave during – or after – a one-night stand. Never fear, help is at hand, I present to you the hotpress Guide To Sexual Etiquette.

Condom Etiquette
A gentleman should always carry condoms and be prepared to use them. If you’re at her place, and you’ve made it as far as the bedroom, choose your moment to take them out and put them on the bedside table. Chances are, she’s worrying about how to broach the topic and this will set her mind at ease. Don’t leave doing it until you’re both too excited! While most women do not mind the few seconds it takes to open a packet and get suited up, it is a pain in the arse to have to wait five minutes while your partner roots around in his backpack to locate the damn things!
Smart single girls should always carry condoms too. If neither of you has any, a romantic stroll to the all night service station will be necessary. Alternatively you can decide to restrict yourself to all the other delicious and exciting things one can do in a bed, on a sofa or on the floor, without indulging in penetrative sex. If your partner wants to go the whole hog but doesn’t want to or refuses to wear a condom – well, it’s time to plan your exit. There are plenty of nice guys out there you’ll be glad to shag you six ways and not endanger your health.
The only good excuse any man can have for not having a condom handy is if he has used them all with us the night before. In such an event, a gentleman should go out and purchase more along with the Sunday papers and croissants.

One-night Stand Etiquette
A one-night stand should, ideally, last the whole night. Of course, there are no rules – you can both agree to a ‘this is it, now we gotta say goodbye, pity it has to be so quick’ type of assignation – but in general, if it’s your place, you should be prepared to let your partner stay the night. If it is really necessary for whatever strategic reason, to get someone to go, be nice, call a taxi and chat pleasantly until it arrives. There is no need, in either direction, to make anyone feel cheap or unappreciated.
A gentleman or lady host really should offer breakfast the next morning – not to would be rude. However, should the visitor be anxious to leave, demurring graciously is fine. It’s always best to say good-bye – it’s mean and selfish to sneak out like a thief in the night. If you’re the visitor, and you waken, and it makes sense to go, and the other person is conked out, leave a nice note with your phone number or email address. If there’s a possibility of keeping in touch then why not do this anyway? But don’t press the other person for their details if they seem reluctant.

Follow-Up Etiquette
If there’s more than a one-night stand involved, a gentleman should not leave a lady waiting for a call after their first night of passion. It’s a good idea to send at least a text message the next day, and a call should be made within three days at the very most – even if it is just to touch base, rather than to prolong things.

Infidelity Etiquette
Monogamy has to be entered into freely and agreed upon by both partners. Otherwise don’t ask, don’t tell.

Booty Call Etiquette
It’s best not to call more than once or to leave more than one message (even from a selfish point of view – you don’t want to sound desperate, do you?). If you don’t get an immediate response, your intended is either asleep or enjoying themselves with someone else. A gentleman or lady never makes a booty call if he or she is too drunk to have sex when the other person arrives.

Threesome Etiquette
It is the height of bad manners to invite a third party into your bed and then to make them feel unwelcome! That said, there is subtle stuff going on here. If you are a guy with two girls, you need to divide your efforts equally between both. You may favour one girl slightly over the other only if she is your girlfriend. Fresh condoms should be used for each partner. If you have been invited to watch, keep your distance. Jerking off discreetly is acceptable however. If you are a girl, with what you know to be a couple, it makes sense to concentrate on the female, unless of course she tells you to go for it with him: she might just want to watch him being fucked blind by you (and if she ends up sucking your nipples at the same time, well, all the better). In a situation of two guys and one woman, let her control the pace and flow of the action. Do as you’re told and be grateful!

Oral Sex Etiquette
A gentleman should never push a lady’s head towards his groin area. Much easier and better to tell her nicely what you’d like! Nor should a lady straddle a man and immediately sit on his face – although if you’re giving him a blow job, manoeuvring into a 69 position is no sin! Most men will love the view at least – and if he takes the bait, great. Broadly speaking, you should do unto others as you’d like them to do unto you. If you’ve been a willing giver and oral sex has still not been offered in reciprocation, the polite thing to do is to ask for it nicely – pretty please with an orgasm on top.

Anal Sex Etiquette
A gentleman should never accidentally on purpose try to enter the backdoor without knocking. If you are not invited, don’t try and barge in, particularly since you haven’t brought any lube to the party. You wouldn’t go to a dinner without bringing some wine, would you? Of course not!

Cyber Sex Etiquette
It is possible to have cyber sex with someone in a chat room that is not dedicated to that kind of thing. If you initiate and your potential ‘lover’ does not respond, back off and try someone else.
If you are the recipient of an unwanted cyber advance you can ignore it, block the person’s messages or defuse the situation with humour. The third strategy is usually the best if you can carry it off. If you are underage and the other person knows it, complaints should be sent to the webmaster – but not otherwise.
If you are cyber sexing, remember – while lying is bad manners in many situations, this is not one of them. Feel free to embellish, exaggerate and fabricate at will.

Text Sex Etiquette
Never engage in text sex while at dinner with friends or family. That’s just rude. However, it is perfectly acceptable to send sexy messages and pictures to your partner while at work. Hey, March 1 was Work Life Balance Day and as long as your boss doesn’t find out – no harm, no foul.

Webcam Etiquette
Webcams can add a whole new dimension to phone sex. However, should you be planning to engage in such an activity, it is important to give advance warning to the person you’re calling. Blokes may be watching the Champions League – and women will generally prefer to be prepared and wearing lovely lingerie for the event. A suggestive text message beforehand is sufficient.

Homemade Porn Etiquette
A gentleman or lady never films or photographs someone without his or her consent. Once you’ve enjoyed your home movie, unless you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s probably wisest to destroy the evidence, particularly if you both have a starring role in the production. Remember, hell hath no fury like a rejected lover and you may not have planned on sharing the moment – no matter how wonderful it was – with millions of internet users. No one has a right to insist on keeping the DVDs, tapes, photographs, negatives, memory card, or whatever, but if you do want to preserve the moment, the subject – i.e. the one who is photographed – is entitled to have custody! No exceptions, boys!

Computer Etiquette
It is unacceptable to download porn on your partner’s computer without his or her permission. Nor should you arrange to meet other lovers or have cyber sex on someone else’s equipment. It shows an unforgivable lack of sensitivity. If you are sharing a Wi-Fi connection with housemates, you may only hog the bandwidth to download porn if you make copies for everyone (that, by the way, was a joke).
There you have it – an easy guide to getting it on with manners and charm. Good bedside manners ensure your lovers remember you with fondness – which is not only nicer for them but means that they’ll be a lot keener to respond to a 2am booty call.
Follow the rules strictly, ladies and gentlemen. If she knew just how well you behaved, your Mammy would be proud.