How do you rate in bed? Do your past conquests shudder at the memory of you, or would they welcome you back for one more magic night? It may not be very nice, or even romantic, but most of us keep a mental checklist of our lovers. Considering a great deal of Western civilization has been founded on our need to compare, contrast and classify and it’s no surprise that our sex lives come in for the same treatment.

You may hope that what you do in the privacy of the bedroom remains just that, private. However chances are that sooner or later you’ll occupy the starring role in somebody else’s debauched narrative. And since this is the case, we’d all like to think that we’d be collecting an Oscar instead of a Razzie. But just how significant is your sexual score? I decided to ask.
Almost everyone I questioned thought that being a good lover is very important. It’s a very unusual man or woman who doesn’t care about his or her sexual abilities. We may not all be able to do advanced calculus or parallel parking, but most of us feel that being a great shag is a desirable ambition. After all, if you excel at one thing only, make damn sure it’s something useful!
While it’s good to know that most of us are aiming high, too much oe’r-vaulting ambition can be a turn-off, especially if it gets competitive. You want someone who is open and experimental and good at doing the things you like to have done to or for you. But you don’t necessarily want to have their brilliance rammed down your throat (does that sound wrong somehow?)
Have sex with anyone for any length of time and the question of previous lovers and past experience is bound to arise. A friend of mine had a girlfriend who demanded a list, and full details, of every woman he’d ever had sex with. He complied, but with some judicious editing, of course. Sometimes tact is more important than the truth.
My ex-boyfriend Chris was obsessed with penises – other men’s. Chris was convinced that he had got the short straw and quizzed me at length about all the ones I had encountered. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I’d thought to take notes along the way. Or, better still, photographs. But the average dick is, well, average. After the mists of time descend, most women would be hard pressed to recognise a man by his manhood, unless it had some particularly distinguishing characteristic. The only thing not average about Chris was the amount of time and attention he spent on other men’s members, but no matter what time and attention I lavished on his, I could not convince him.
Anyone asking how they stack up compared to your past playmates is not after the truth, you suspect, but reassurance. What they want is a gushing admission that all previous experiences pale in comparison to their superior skills, and yes, that they are the best hung bloke it’s ever been your good fortune to screw. Answer differently and you’ll be sleeping on the couch – or with the fishes. Thus, when questioned, I have always answered that the best lover is the current one. This not only disingenuously sidesteps further interrogation about my sexual history, but it’s got at least a grain of truth in it. At least for a while. Anne’s Best Shag in the World is a floating trophy and applicants are invited to apply for the 2005 award.
I’m not sure it’s really possible to gauge sexual ratings accurately. In the light of my greater experience, what I though was fantastic ten years ago might well turn out to be a bit of a let down now. Then again, a reprise could turn out to be better than I remembered. But since I have no way of knowing for sure, does it really matter? If I could gather all my past lovers together to give them another go, I might have a definitive answer. Or at least a lot of fun. I may know that X had a very mobile mouth, Y could do unspeakable things with his fingers, and Z once made me faint – but for overall enjoyment it would be impossible to say exactly who is the all-time numero uno.
The funny thing is, a great sexual rating is far more important for our egos than it is for our relationships. Despite all this performance anxiety, most of us are happy to put up with some sexual shortcomings in our partners as long as they are willing to listen and learn. After all, practice makes perfect. I’d forgive someone whose technique needed tweaking, but not a lover who was unwilling to customize his cunnilingus to my liking. Being a good lover is often less about what you can do, and more about what you are willing to try.
It’s only natural to be curious about someone’s sexual history but it’s pointless actually worrying about where you rate, by comparison with all of the previous lucky occupants of your paramour’s boudoir, in the sexual god or goddess stakes. Even the keenest study of the Karma Sutra does not mean you’ll make it to pole position.
In many ways it all comes down to compatibility. If you think someone is a great shag, there’s at least a possibility that they’ll think the same of you! If the basics are good then there are techniques and tips you can learn to give you an edge on the competition. Instead of worrying about the people that once shared a bed and body fluids with our partners, we should be grateful for all they’ve done by way of educating our one and only.
Some lovers may be born great, some achieve greatness, but the rest have greatness thrust upon them.