Loathe as we are to do anything that might resuscitate Chris de Burgh’s career, Caught In The Net’s fancy has been well and truly taken by the animated version of ‘Lady In Red’ that can be found at www.philprice.net/flash/valentines The ickle singing puppy and piano playing puddy cat are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Well, unless you’re Chris and realise it’s just another case of everyone ripping the piss out of you.

Felching, fisting, rimming, cottaging…all of these deviant sexual practices are A-OK with CIN, but we draw the line at grown men with moustaches parading round their lounges in outsize nappies.

“Infantilism has nothing to do with real kids or babies,” explains the man behind www.big-baby.org “I live in a European country, the Netherlands, and I don’t wear wooden shoes. It’s very nice to talk about diapers with other people, and to play baby online together with other people who like that too.”

Er, right.

Our next port of call is www.nodirection.com which has details of the latest fashion craze to sweep Japan – nipple scarves. While we’re laughing at…, er, with our Oriental friends, we thought you might like to check out the new release section at www.engrish.com With a record company like that, Eric, who needs enemies!

Staying with music, there’s much moronic fun to be had at www.metal-sludge.com/PoisonTourDiary7-13-01.htm A new man if ever there was, Rikki Rockett contributes this polemic on sexism in hard rock: “If I was a chick writing this and I said the chick had nice boobs, everyone would be cool with that. But, because I’m a guy, people get all fuckin’ jacked about that shit. Actually, no one’s said shit because I’m just writing this. But someone will say shit about it. So, fuck you in advance.”

Follow that Germaine Greer!