Women, we are a tricky bunch apparently. Freud famously asked, “What does a woman want?” and concluded that is was, “The great question that has never been answered.” Well, of course not – because it’s a dumb-ass question.

What does a man want? Who the hell knows? Beer, sex, sleep? Yup, except on the days he wants something else. There’s a much easier question: “What does a man want to eat?” And still, you couldn’t answer it in a way that would keep all three point something billion blokes happy. Even the mention of bacon would cause all sorts of religious, ethical and health arguments. Does a man prefer tea or coffee, the drumstick or the breast, Justin Bieber or One Direction? Duh! It depends on the man.
I couldn’t tell you what a woman wants because we are not an amorphous mass with a hive mind, like a perfumed version of the Borg. Unbelievably, like men, women are actually individuals.
Having said that we know from decades and decades of psychological research that human beings tend to react in predictable ways under certain conditions and widely agree on a number of issues. As a general rule, people prefer peace to war, feasts to famine and sex to celibacy.
For the most part, we also enjoy meeting new people who could be potential sexual partners, and it is – generally – lovely when someone shows an interest. But there are limits. Today we will discuss exceeding them. Think of this as your seduction 101 refresher course.
Picture the scene if you will. You are a man. You meet a woman. You chat, she laughs at your jokes and she is impressed that you speak several languages. You swap contact details. Work is sending you away from Dublin for a few weeks and you agree that, when you return, you will meet again.
So far, so good – it is a promising start. You’d think it would be hard to mess up, and generally it would be, especially from hundreds of miles away. But, believe me, anything is possible with digital communication. Here’s what not to do...
1. Do not send pornographic photos to a woman you have met once.
The picture may be in black and white, but this it doesn’t mean she’ll think you’re a classy guy. Instead this is the text equivalent of going in dry – you’re overeager; almost certainly, she’s irritated.
2. Descriptions of sex acts should be avoided.
You sent a picture and it’s worth a thousand words blah blah. A blow-by-blow account of your desires is therefore redundant. You’re horny, you want to fuck her? Yes, yes, she already got the message.
3. When the woman says, ‘Woo, back off dude!’, do not pretend your feelings are romantic.
Even at seventeen she would have questioned the sincerity of this sudden change of tactics. Besides which, since she has only meet you once, she has zero romantic feelings towards you, and is finding repeated attempts to talk about the future of your “relationship” together weird and presumptuous.
4. The words making, love and tender should never be used in the same message.
Never, ever, ever! Unless that message is: “I am making you steak for dinner. You will love it. It is juicy and tender.”
Perhaps you did have a dream about a woman in which the action could best be described as “making love”. Ugh. Keep that filthy language to yourself. You are making her feel nauseous, like she ate a bad burrito while trapped in a soft-core porn flick from the 1970s.
5. Avoid describing her breasts, which you have not seen, as mouth watering.
“What if you’ve just told the other person that you have tattoos of watermelons and fried chicken on your boobs?” asked my friend Chris. “I mean, that stuff is delicious.”
Hmmm… watermelon and fried chicken is delicious. Food tattooed tits are the exception – otherwise, no.
6. Don’t send bad erotic poetry featuring the woman as Eve, the apple-wielding temptress.
Writing poetry is hard enough. Erotica is even more difficult. However, if you have described a woman alternatively as your Eve, a mare and a horse’s saddle, you’re probably doing it wrong.
Decorating the poem with a picture of a naked lady with a snake cadged from Google Images is also unnecessary.
Once you realise that the woman does not appreciate your poetic musings, there is no need to explain that the poem is over a year old. Second hand erotica is about as tempting as a used condom.
7. When a woman objects to all of the above, do not complain that she does not understand men because she has a lady brain.
If she points out to you the unassailable fact that she has met plenty of men over the course of her lifetime, do not complain that she is holding you to “a standard more appropriate to most men” which is unfair since you are actually a special snowflake. You’re not. And lady brains work just fine.
8. Do not claim to be heartbroken. I’ll say it again – you’ve only met once.
9. Do not suggest the woman is emotionally unstable and must have been hurt in the past.
Ah yes, the ladies do be crazy. What with hormones and menstruation and whatnot, messing with their pretty little heads. Nothing endears you more to a woman than suggesting she is, ahem, hysterical. Of course, she may snort with derision and point out that she wasn’t the one complaining that she thought she had achieved “relationship stability” and found a “life partner” on the basis of one meeting. Then what are you going to do? Send another poem?
10. No! Do not make the situation worse by sending more bad poetry.
Stop, just stop!
This whole saga may strike you as grotesque, unbelievable, bizarre and unprecedented, and indeed it is. Unfortunately, it is also one hundred percent factual.
Worst of all it happened to me; and while I am quite nice and everything, I think we can all agree that I am no Helen of Troy, with a beauty so luminous that even the most level headed bloke would lose the run of himself. But there it is!
Seduction is not that hard. Acting desperate, sexually incontinent and over emotional is not the best way to a woman’s heart, or a man’s – or indeed any other part of a person’s anatomy. Trufax! The next time you wish to get jiggy with a person of the opposite or same sex, there is just one basic rule to remember: nobody wants to feel stalked like a deer on the opening day of hunting season.
Honestly...