So we really spend 22 minutes on foreplay? According to the Durex Global Sex Survey, we do. Some people may be surprised at the result, because for years it’s been received wisdom that men are either not interested in or are crap at foreplay.

But maybe that’s a myth. None of my lovers ever neglected foreplay, and it gladdens my heart to know that those of you who have not had the pleasure of sharing my bed are not slouching either.
If anything, I suspect that we spend longer on foreplay than the survey reflects. It all depends on how you look at it.
Foreplay is not just what you do when you get your hands on each other. It’s also all the things you do leading up to that moment. I’ve been wracking my brains to come up with a good name for it, but I keep getting distracted by Conor, who is licking my neck as I write. So for want of a better word, we’ll call it beforeplay.
Beforeplay is not an original concept. I am sure you do it all the time. Suggestive emails, rude texts, laughter, holding hands, watching porn, romance, sharing a bath, shaving each other and all the countless little things that make you want to have sex with someone repeatedly – that’s beforeplay. But the question is, are you doing it effectively?
We tend to think along very old-fashioned lines in relation to what men and women enjoy when it comes to beforeplay. Blue for a boy, pink for a girl. This is not just unimaginative, it’s plain wrong too.
All men know that most women love romance. Candlelit dinners, flowers, scented baths and massages are all guaranteed winners. However, most guys love these things too. Ok, you won’t catch them whinging to their mates about how you never buy them little gifts – but underneath most men are big softies.
The only time men feel a bit iffy about romance, is if they feel a bit iffy about the relationship. In that respect, they are no different to women. Any woman, who feels her partner is not romantic enough, should do as she would be done by. Once men have enjoyed the thrill of been treated like a princess, or prince as the case may be, they tend to reciprocate. Having it done to – or for – them, they get what all the fuss is about.
There are a few simple guidelines to being romantic with men. If you send flowers, don’t put a drippy message on the card – especially if you send them to his work. A simple ‘last night was fantastic’ will do. If you’re a bit nervous about the whole idea, send him flowers and a porn mag – it’s a killer combination.
Secondly, avoid surprises. Some men may well not be thrilled if you arrive at the door unexpectedly wearing nothing more than your coat and a pair of stilettos. What if he’s watching the Trans-Galactic Cup? A phone call beforehand is polite.
Finally, and most importantly, never send teddy bears. According to my friend Geoff, it’s tantamount to cursing a man to a life of impotence. I have my doubts about this, but to be on the safe side, it’s best not to risk it.
Just as sinful as women ignoring men’s romantic side, are men who neglect the raunchier aspects of women’s sexuality. This is especially true when it comes to porn. Most well-connected girls realise that broadband has more uses than downloading tunes for her iPod. According to some surveys as much as 40% of all internet porn is downloaded by females. Strangely enough, the majority of women who object to porn have never actually watched it. But there is always a first time for everything.
I realise I am beginning to sound like a sex Nazi, but – once more with feeling – here are some guidelines to doing this right if your girlfriend is a porn virgin. The easy route is to start with a soft-core movie. This won’t scare her – but be warned, it may backfire. Porn virgins may treat it like a night in with a DVD. The last thing you want is her laughing at the skimpy plot or rushing off to fetch munchies.
So, instead of going the soft route, I recommend you bite the bullet and go for action sequences, but begin with something fairly tame, and work your way up from there. One couple or some nice girl-on-girl are generally safe bets. Secondly, avoid movies with actresses with completely silicon bodies – women are more likely to get turned on if we can see ourselves as the star of the show. Thirdly, and most importantly, ask her what she’d like to see. Consideration always pays off, and three months later she won’t mind that all your favourite vignettes feature 40GG blondes that ejaculate – she might even download them for you herself.
Beforeplay is all about making your partner feel good, appreciated and sexual. It’s about making every day seem tinged with sexual possibility. Like great sex, it requires imagination, creativity and flexibility, but it doesn’t necessarily require a lot of effort. A note left on the pillow or a voucher for oral sex are universally appreciated.
Men and women may be different, but we are not that different. Some men may be from Mars and some women from Venus, but thankfully the rest of us live on Earth.