There are four types of orgasm, my friend and confidante Humphrey tells me. Here’s how it goes. There is the positive orgasm (oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!); the negative orgasm (oh no, oh no, oh no!); the religious orgasm (oh God, oh God, oh God!) and the fake orgasm (oh Anne, oh Anne, oh Anne!). Naturally, I boxed his ears. However, it did get me thinking…
Now this sex columnist lark doesn’t always involve lying on my back, front or indeed in any of a catalogue of other positions of a type that would make Houdini jealous. I sometimes spend hours trawling for information on the internet or through books. To spice things up, I drag Conor along and make him sit under my desk while I work. Massaging my feet of course. It was a good thing I had him with me at the moment when I made a somewhat grizzly discovery. Up to 70% of women and 25% of men admit to having moaned and groaned in mock ecstasy at least once.
This is a very sad state of affairs. As you’d expect, the most common reason for these phoney performances is to keep a partner happy. It may seem like a harmless white lie – but the flip side of the statistical coin is that over 90% of men and women said they would be very upset to find a partner had been faking.
It’s no great surprise that more women than men are consummate frauds in the bedroom. Women generally take longer to climax and may need more stimulation than blokes. If you are too embarrassed to discuss your needs, a bogus orgasm may seem like an easy way out of an unpromising situation. But unless you are having a one-night stand, and you want to get hell out of there, faking it should never be an option.
Besides being a betrayal of trust, it’s counter-productive. If your partner thinks you’re having the time of your life when you aren’t, there’s not much chance that he is going to radically change his sexual repertoire to something more to your liking. However, if you have been shamming, don’t confess. Honesty is not always the best policy. Instead, say you’ve been having difficulty recently and that you’d like to try some experimentation or need some extra stimulation. Most blokes will oblige even your most outrageous desires. As long as they don’t involve his best mate...
One of the biggest causes of orgasmic drought is the inability to relax. A number of issues such as performance-anxiety or self-esteem can cause this. Honesty about these feelings can go a long way towards eliminating them. It might seem strange to say it, but younger people are frequently uncomfortable with their bodies and their sexuality. Luckily this is a problem that can be overcome with time and experience.
My first couple of sexual experiences were complete disasters. Sex was so new and strange, and I spent a lot of time worrying about “doing it right” which made it impossible for me to come. Then I started seeing a lovely bloke by the name of Chris. Chris knew I was relatively inexperienced and was anxious that I enjoyed sex. Now I am a woman of many talents, and I am sure I could have put on a credible performance for his benefit, but I decided to be honest. This was by no means easy, but well worth it. Once I had opened up about my anxieties, they seemed like much less of an issue than before – and I relaxed. And what do you know, hey presto!
The inability to relax during sex is not just a female problem. When I originally got together with my ex, Gerard, he told me that he rarely came. Now there is a lot of selfish enjoyment a girl can get out of a man who remains erect for hours, but after a few weeks with him, it began to plague me. I was plotting all sorts of tricks that turned out to be unnecessary.
One lazy Sunday morning it just happened. Sex goddess status officially restored, I was curious to know what I had done that finally resulted in the big O. His reply was that he felt comfortable with me. Comfortable! Doesn’t sound super-sexy I admit, but that was the answer. Naturally I was happy with this turn of events, but less pleased when he phoned up his best friend to give him the good news.
What do you do if your partner is having difficulty reaching the finishing line? Like most things in life, it depends on the situation. Sex studies reveal that 10% of women never reach orgasm. This can be caused by physical or psychological factors, and is almost certainly a problem beyond the scope of even the most devoted lover. Luckily though, the majority of people are quite capable of reaching orgasmic bliss. The only way to find out what pushes their buttons is to ask them.
Sex toys, manuals and movies can all help, but the most important thing is not to make an issue out of it. If you make orgasm the goal of sex, you put your partner and in a situation where faking may seem like the easiest answer. Stress, ill health, fatigue and a variety of other factors can take the pep out of your step, and not having an orgasm every time you shag is no big deal.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Orgasms are great and if I can get them in triplicate, I’m not going to object.