What do you do with a lover who seems perfect in nearly every regard, but – not to put it too unkindly! – just happens to be shit in the sack? That’s a question I was asked by a girl friend not too long ago, and it’s a tricky one.

I have to admit that my first reaction was “Good God, dump him.” But I decided on reflection that this wasn’t very nice and, in any event, it was almost certainly not the answer that the young lady in question wanted to hear.
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and things have gone off the boil – fair enough, it can happen to the best of us – chances are, your lover is well aware of the problem and is probably just as keen to improve the situation. But that’s a different story altogether. What I’m talking about is a relationship where the sex has never really gotten off the ground to begin with. Can it be sorted out? And is it even worth the effort?
At times, almost all of us have lain in bed, wrapped in a lover’s arms – and while they are basking in post-orgasmic bliss, you are muttering mutinously under your breath Romeo’s heartfelt question to Juliet “O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?” and wondering if you should escape to the bathroom and finish the job yourself.
If you are frequently landed in this situation by your partner, there are a few things to consider. First, you need to identify where exactly the problem lies. With younger people, and this is true of boys and girls, it may be a case of inexperience – or simply a lack of quality experience. This isn’t too much of an issue. Someone who still has their L-plates is generally happy to accept instruction – and teaching them can be a whole lot of fun. And if you are both inexperienced, then learning together what you both like sexually is potentially a great adventure of discovery.
However, if your partner has had his or her licence for a number of years, you may be less than enthusiastic playing backseat driver – “Go left, no left, the other left! Here, never mind, I’ll do it!”
If it’s the beginning of a relationship, it could just be nerves. Your partner – poor thing – is merely overwhelmed by you. And let’s face it, who could blame him? Or her? The working assumption has to be that this will probably resolve itself after a few more nights together, once the partner in question has realised you’re not all that special. Or do I mean scary? Either way, they’ll likely calm down soon enough and get into the zone – especially if there’s a little bit of help from your good self to encourage them. Condemning someone out of hand as a bad lover is unfair – things only get sticky if, a few weeks down the line, you find it’s still not working. Then you have to ask yourself if you really want to hang around.
You’ll need to decide if the problem is one of sexual chemistry or sexual compatibility – or if your currently very significant other just isn’t comfortable in themselves and with their sexuality.
To begin with, there is a subtle but important distinction between chemistry and compatibility. Sexual chemistry is the spark of desire between two people, whereas compatibility depends on how well your sexual techniques, libidos and needs mesh. As far as I’m concerned, if there’s no chemistry, there’s no point. You may like someone and enjoy their company, think they’d make the perfect parent for your as yet unborn progeny, but if you don’t really fancy him or her, there’s never going to be fireworks. However, sex techniques – like any other skill – can be learnt as long as you’re both willing to make the effort. In other words, you can work on compatibility…
It’s important how you broach the topic. I would never recommend sitting down and having a heart to heart, in which you lay it on thick how unsatisfying your sex life is – that way lies disaster. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy, particularly if you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. There are better and more tactful ways to improve things.
You can achieve a lot with the suggestive power of a well-timed sexy whisper. If you are confident and sexy, then unless your partner is a mug, he or she will pick up on your promptings.
However if the problem is more severe – if you’re beginning to suspect that your partner’s definition of sex extends to the missionary position and no further – then your first port of call should be a good sex manual, one that offers plenty of suggestions of various things to try. OK, arriving at your lover’s gaff armed with Tracey Cox’s entire collection and demanding that your partner read the lot before getting naked with you isn’t an option. It’s better to be a bit sneaky. Here’s what I suggest…
Invite your lover to your place. Leave the sex manual on the coffee table or in some prominent place, but not the bedroom. Once he or she is naked on your quilt, reading will be the last thing on anyone’s mind. By all means, if it makes it easier, lie about the provenance of the book – it was free inside your favourite monthly men’s or woman’s magazine, or was a giveaway with the jumbo box of condoms you bought yesterday. Then, mention that since you’ve acquired the book, you’ve thought you might as well read it, and gosh, there’s some interesting suggestions. The implication can be that you have been getting some good tips.
You can let your lover have a browse before directing them to the relevant pages and ask how they’d feel about trying something out. Here’s where it gets really sly – choose something where your partner is on the receiving end. Anything that’s more likely to please him or her will almost guarantee they’ll say yes. If this is a success, he or she will be all the more willing to go through the rest of the manual – and you can point them in the direction of what you really want.
If, after a few weeks, the improvement is negligible, then in the words of that great man, Tony Soprano, “Eh, whaddaya gonna do?” Well, I’m sorry but there’s only one answer for that – if you want good sex, then trade up. Let them know nicely of course, that they’re not for you – but do it.
It’s hard finding someone you’d like to spend more than the evening with – we’ve all been there – but sex is a significant part of a relationship, and if it’s not working the relationship is almost certainly doomed, unless you are one of those weird folks who claim that sex isn’t all that important. Yes it is!
It’s not that I’m heartless – well, maybe a little! – but sexual relationships can only go in one of two directions. Either you stick with them long-term – or you end them. It’s that simple. Are you prepared to forgo one of life’s greatest pleasures for the foreseeable future? No, didn’t think so. Me neither.
Life, as they say, is too short – and so is my patience.