We’re not suggesting that hotpress readers are anything other than paragons of moral virtue, but if your partner is a whoring little tart who likes to put it about whenever he/she can, you might like to peruse www.sementest.com

“We believe that everyone has the right to know if there’s infidelity in their relationship,” say the good people at Arizona’s Forensex Laboratory Corporation who will test any “pants, undergarments, sheets, etc.” you send them for errant sperm. If there are renifleurs out there – look it up – you might want to drop the company a line and see if they’ve got any jobs going in the mail room.

On a totally unrelated theme to semen stains, a hefty CITN pat on the back for the cyber-squatters who having taken up residence at www.mickhucknall.com are asking, “Is there anyone more annoying than the ginger Simply Red lead man?” The surprising answer is “yes” with Zane Lowe, Mark Lawrenson, Garry Bushel and Dame Thora Hird among those nominated by visitors.

Ever wondered what a Kylie vs. Dannii cat-fight would look like? The answer to your pervy prayers can be found at www.princessofpop.co.uk

There’s another 10 minutes of your employer’s time to be wasted at www.ericmyer.com/stereotypes.htm

By swapping round the facial features of the fashion victims there, you can create an even bigger more-money-than-sense-twat-who-deserves-to-be-beaten
round-the-head-with-a-length-of-lead-piping.

Our final portal of call is www.tvzap2it.com/shows/02-03 which takes a look at the new shows hitting American TV screens this winter. The pick of the bunch appears to be Push, Nevada, a Twin Peaks-y affair which stars Jim Prufock as a mild-mannered IRS agent who encounters strange goings-on in the desert. The brainchild of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, it’s said to contain some of the sharpest dialogue this side of The Sopranos.