"Do you want to come back to my place for a beer?” Now there’s a question!

I’d been in Ireland only a little while and this was my first night out clubbing with my new female friend, Ella. After the bouncers had unceremoniously kicked us out at closing time, we got chatting to a couple of guys outside. It was friendly, they seemed nice and now they were offering to share their booze with us.
Ella was keen. This surprised me. I really couldn’t see the point. If it was an invitation to a party, that would have been fun, but sharing a couple of cans of lager? We’d been drinking all night and I had plenty of alcohol at home. In the context, trekking across the city in the opposite direction to where I lived seemed like far too much hassle. I wanted food, a taxi and my pyjamas so I headed home while Ella went off with the lads. From her description the next day, it sounded like she’d had a good time, a very good time indeed.
The next time I went out with Ella the same thing happened, except this time the offer was for a joint. Ella decided to go, and I went home. Chatting to her the next afternoon I realised that although she’d been smoking hash, I was the real dope. The obvious suddenly dawned on me – the offers weren’t for various forms of mood-altering substances, they were for sex. Doh! Does it sound like I was a bit of an innocent abroad? Well, if they’d asked me back for coffee I might have known!
Wherever you go in the world people have slightly different ideas of how to conduct sexual relationships. The signals, pace and expectations can vary widely. Add the fact that most people don’t ask for sex in a straightforward manner, and the possibility for misunderstandings and misinterpretations is very high.
Depending on where you are in the world, even a kiss can mean widely different things. For some it’s an invitation to have sex; to others a kiss is harmless and just because you’ve received one, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything else will happen. Multiple dating is perfectly acceptable in some countries; in others it would make you a love rat. You run the risk of offending some men if you offer to split the bill and insulting others if you don’t. Some cultures frown upon sex on the first date; for others that’s the norm.
Someone asked me recently to identify the biggest differences between dating in Ireland and South Africa. That’s a messy question, because there is no one correct way of dating in any country and each generation and subculture within a culture has its own rules too.
The dating games of techno-heads, Goths and indie kids circa 1990 to 2000 from in and around Johannesburg I know as well as I know my own name because these are the people I grew up with – but as for the sexual mores of small town folk from the rural plains, I wouldn’t have a clue. Then again, I suppose my experience with Irish men in their 20s and 30s who live and work in Dublin isn’t entirely representative of the nation as a whole either. All that said, here’s a few observations from an always curious participant:
- My South African friends prefer one-night stands with people they know; in Ireland, strangers are the norm.
In South Africa, you can sleep with your friend’s ex or your ex’s friend, after about three months of the break up; here that’s a big no-no.
It’s not cheating in South Africa if you have a sexual experience with someone of the same sex; Irish people don’t agree. Every time I’ve asked, Irish men have been horrified at the idea, unless they can watch that is!
Kissing is not cheating if it takes place in a nightclub and if your partner is there; this doesn’t wash with Irish people at all.
Girls can ask guys out in South Africa; my Irish female friends think that looks desperate or easy.
Dating is not serious or exclusive until declarations of love have been issued, and anything before that is casual; in Ireland people tend to think it means something if you have two dates.
The biggest difference of all is when you first have sex with a new person. On the afternoon of my very first date with an Irish bloke, I called up Ella to ask her for the inside scoop. I knew from my readings of English women’s magazines that three dates were recommended before you got down to the good stuff. Was that the Irish habit too? If I slept with him that night, was it a one-night stand or sex on a first date? If he paid for dinner, might it be thought to mean that I ‘owed’ him? Did Irish men carry condoms, or should I bring my own? Or should I even be remotely bothered about any of this stuff?
In truth, I was like a nervous virgin on her first ever date. It was bad enough worrying about what to wear, but that’s a standard female paranoia; not knowing how to behave was worse. In South Africa I’d never have had to think about it. I would never have sex on a first date; I’d have had it beforehand.
I’ve read that in Russia a man who peels a banana for you is expressing sexual interest. I’m not sure if that’s true, but among my friends in South Africa, the code was coffee. The gentleman you’d been flirting with all night would graciously offer you a lift home and if you were keen you’d reciprocate his kindness by inviting him in for a cup of coffee. If you were being coy, you might actually boil the kettle, and sometimes a cup or two would actually be drunk, but mostly this was just a ruse to get them inside and get down to business. After that, you’d go on dates.
In some ways this is a bit arse-ended, kind of like the way water travels down the plughole differently in the Southern Hemisphere – but it did make things easy. There was no worrying about whether sex was on the menu or not; been there, done that and the reason you went on a date was because you were keen to do it again.
I spent a lot of time being confused the first year I was here. The Irish men I met may have spoken the same language, listened to the same music and shared a number of cultural reference points with the guys I knew back home, but they were different – pale, funny, sometimes more conservative, sometimes more liberal, and often, well, strange. But without exception they’ve been enthusiastic and generous lovers. The rules may be different, but if you get to the same point eventually, it makes it all worthwhile.