It started with Morrissey. His poster hung in pride of place at the end of my bed – bare-chested, armpits shaved, quiff impeccable. Roland and I would spend hours lying on my bed admiring it. Some days we’d lament that we’d been too young (and stupid) to have discovered The Smiths before they broke up; other times we’d debate what the best food would be to lick off Moz’s curiously hairless form.

I have a sweet tooth and my choices reflected this – ice-cream, toffee sauce, Smarties or raspberries placed at strategic intervals across the body like sushi nyotaimori. Pretty conventional, boring even, compared to Roland who thought that clam chowder or spaghetti bolognese would be just delicious. A bit of an oddball was Roland. Either way, as far as combinations go, sex and food is one of the better ones – as good as beer and cigarettes, but far healthier.
Food and sex are intrinsically linked. Perhaps it’s a throwback to our hunter-gatherer days, or simply because unless you live on a diet of curry chips, you’ve got to admit there’s something undeniably sensual about good food.
We all know sex sells, and it sure sells a lot of grub. For the last sixty years or so, American advertisers have encouraged people to associate food with sex and with gender. The person responsible for this was Ernest Dichter, a psychologist and marketing expert who in 1946 founded the Institute of Motivational Research. Dichter’s work focused on the importance of image in advertising and found that when a food was associated with sex or with masculine or feminine qualities, advertisers could persuade us more effectively to buy their products. This might go some way to explaining why Americans (and increasingly Irish people) have such a problem with obesity – because the one thing most of us want is more sex. And why not?
Chocolate is particularly prone to this kind of advertising, possibly because it does have some proven feelgood qualities. Chocolate causes the release of serotonin, which is linked to sexual pleasure and happiness and it’s a source of phenylalanine, which raises endorphins, our natural antidepressants.
Galaxy asks, “Is chocolate better than sex?” (No, but it’s a close second); Bueno and Aero both feature nicely ripped naked men (thanks very much); and for years Flake ads featured the not-so-subtle image of a chocolate bar slowly entering a pair of luscious red lips. Suggestions of fellation were not unintentional. The latest, featuring Joss Stone, avoids this as she breaks off a piece before popping it in her mouth, but after forty years of selling us the ‘only the crumbliest, flakiest phallic symbol in the world’ line, Stone appears to be performing some kind of chocolate castration.
In the last few years, no one has been more tireless in promoting food’s sexual and sensual qualities than Marks & Spencer. Whether they are trying to flog us salmon, pasta or pudding, ‘your’ M&S is sure to feature lingering close-ups and steamy food action – melting toffee or rich, beefy gravy dribbling onto the plate. These are not just food adverts, these are a kind of M&S food porn – at least they were until they replaced Dervla Kirwan’s rich, sensual voiceover with that the far less erotically charged David Jason!
Going out for a meal is still the number one favourite dating activity across large parts of the world – that’s despite technological advances, changing fashions and the cult of size zero. People’s eating habits can make or break a date in several ways. Bad table manners, eating with your mouth open, or talking while chewing are huge turn-offs for many people, but there is also more subtle information being imparted. A person’s attitude to food tells us something about their self-esteem, their feelings about their body – and, it’s not a stretch too far to speculate, their attitude to sex.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like their food and in my experience most men are too. Men might appreciate a slender figure, but they don’t want to know that you’ve been off carbs for months in order to achieve it. Genuine allergies are one thing, but the problem with excessive food fussiness is that it can be a total passion killer.
If food issues aren’t sexy in a woman, they are even less so in a man. I once dated a guy who wouldn’t eat after 8 o’clock. No matter how late we were out or what we’d been doing he preferred to starve “to lose weight.” He had a great body, toned by playing basketball, but he’d been fat as a teenager and lived in fear of gaining weight again. He had a distorted view of what his body looked like – he thought his arse was too big and his dick too small – and I was never able to convince him otherwise.
The link between food and sex is not just psychological, it’s also physical. What you eat greatly affects your energy levels and your diet can dampen your libido or increase sexual staying power. Lean meat, fish, plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables are necessary for a healthy sex drive, sex hormone production and energy. Lack of water in your diet can cause vaginal dryness and like an athlete, water is needed for peak performance during sex.
Here’s a question though: given the important link between food and sex, why oh why, didn’t I know better than to stuff myself the last time James invited me out for dinner?
He suggested sushi. As far as sexy meals go, sushi is right up there at the top of the list. It’s not heavy; it’s dainty to eat; and fish is full of omega-3 essential fatty acids, which are supposed to be good for improving sexual performance and pleasure. There’s just one problem with sushi, besides falling fish stocks – I love it and can’t get enough of it.
Perhaps the problem was that after hanging out with him for a few months I felt comfortable enough to be myself. Unfortunately being myself meant hoovering up several plates of sashimi and norimaki. When James suggested dessert, I should have said no, but as Oscar Wilde said, I can resist everything except temptation and this evening temptation came in the form of sticky toffee pudding. I suggested sharing, but James looked horrified.
As the evening drew to a close he started making suggestions about returning to my place and I knew there was no way I’d be able to roll around the bed in the proper manner given the size of the feed I’d just had – but equally, there was no way I was going to say that. I’d been a glutton and now I was being punished. Too full to fornicate? That’s not sexy.
Food and sex may be two of life’s great pleasures, but like most things in life, moderation is key. Whether it’s for too much sex or too much food, greed really isn’t good. Well, for too much food...