Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat. I, on the other hand, am getting mad – well, maybe a little bit fat too, but mostly mad. Not at the geese – that would be silly – geese are fine. Ducks on the other hand, are vicious little bastards.
My normally unruffled temperament has been ruffled by bad sexual manners. If there is ever a time to be considerate of another person’s needs, it’s when you’re both naked and sweaty.
Luckily I haven’t had to put up with bad sexual manners myself – which is just as well. Misbehave in my bed and you’ll hear all about it, which might be delightful if you prefer admonishment to orgasm – but that’s a kink of a different colour.
Instead I have found myself getting vicariously incensed on behalf of other people. As you may expect, given that I’ve been writing this column for a while, it’s not unusual for individuals (lots of them!) to ask my advice or opinion about some aspect of their sex lives.
For the most part these questions tend to be fairly innocuous, such as how can I last longer or do this better. I am always very happy to answer these questions, and not because I think the person may be doing something ‘wrong’, but rather because it shows a desire to be a skilful lover, which is an admirable aim.
Lately however, the tenor of the questions has changed and in recent weeks a shocking number of people have asked me how they should stop their partners being inconsiderate, manipulative or downright mean.
I’ll give you some examples. First there was the woman whose partner kept grabbing her hair during oral sex, despite being asked repeatedly to stop. Then there was the man whose girlfriend constantly tried to finger him during sex – again having been told in no uncertain terms that he found this unpleasant. Last week a young woman complained to me that her boyfriend had been badgering her for anal sex and accidentally-on-purpose aiming for the wrong orifice. “I’m thinking of giving in to him,” she said. “What should I do?”
I really ought to have been born into English aristocracy because I believe in the stiff upper lip. Showing anger or pain in public is not my thing and it is a very rare occurrence that I lose my temper, but every single one of these questions had me frothing at the mouth and itching to commit minor acts of violence.
Just to be clear: I don’t think there is anything innately wrong with hair-grabbing, assplay or anal sex – as long as both people enjoy them.
In that case, carry on! What angered me was the fact that in each of these cases, one person obviously didn’t give a rat’s arse about his or her partner’s preferences – and what’s worse, ignored repeated requests to stop.
It is fairly easy to mess up in bed with a new partner, since we all bring our sexual history and experiences with us. We assume that what works for one person will work for another and for the most part that’s a fairly sensible assumption. However, not all sexual skills are transferable because – shock, horror – different people like different things.
This really isn’t a big deal. You do your thing, the person doesn’t react favourably, so you ask a few questions and tweak what you’re doing to their liking. In return they do the same for you. It’s not that hard.
It’s possible you’ll mess up again, of course, because in a haze of horniness you might forget, particularly if what they want or don’t want isn’t something you’d normally have to think about.
My ex-boyfriend, for example, can’t bear having his nipples touched. Learning to ignore them was tricky, because nipples are so perky and right there, downright demanding that you pay them attention. I love nipples and the male chest, so it was disappointing that this was a no-go zone, but whaddya know? We still managed to have lots of great sex. And on the upside, even pretending I was about to zoom in on a nipple would have him recoiling in horror so I could always force him out of bed to make tea. You work with what you have!
However there is a big, big difference between accidentally doing something wrong and repeatedly doing the very thing your partner dislikes and has put off -limits. One is a mistake; the other is disrespect, which makes it less of a sexual problem and more of a relationship problem.
To have a satisfying sex life you need two seemingly opposed things: a willingness to push your boundaries and a willingness to police them. By this I mean that it is important to keep an open mind and be sexually experimental, but it is equally important to know which lines you are really not going to cross. Negotiating these two different needs can be tricky, and where your boundaries are can change with age or with partners – it being a lot easier to take a risk with someone you trust.
There are a number of things I won’t do and I am not ashamed of them at all. Facials, for one, because I would find it degrading– not to mention the very real possibility of getting sperm in the eye or up the nose. I’ll happily take direction – but grab my head during oral sex, and I’ll stop immediately and make you go down on me instead. I won’t have sex on camera; and yes, I know everyone does it, but I don’t do drunk sex or naked selfies. Again, let me be clear – I don’t think it is wrong to enjoy these things.
They’re just not for me. It is absolutely fi ne to have sexual limits. This doesn’t make you boring, or dull, or unfuckable.
If anything, it’s the opposite – because knowing what you like and don’t like makes you a more enthusiastic sexual partner and one who is, in many ways, easier to please.
There are certain things you could do to teach a repeat off ender good behaviour. If your partner is constantly trying to finger you, you could tie her hands behind her back during sex until she has learnt her lesson. This could work equally well with a head grabber – as could a strategic nip with the teeth (ouch!). But why the hell should you have to train a sexual partner like a recalcitrant puppy? The simple answer is you shouldn’t.
Christmas is meant to be a time of peace and love and goodwill to all men (and women), but I say ‘Bah humbug’! Someone who doesn’t care about your sexual boundaries and repeatedly violates them is not someone who deserves to be in your bed, or even on your Christmas card list. Get rid of them and find someone new under the mistletoe or at the office party.
You’ll have yourself a happier sex life and a much merrier Christmas.