Worried about what to get that special Loyalist in your life for Christmas? Well, fret no more because there’s a sensational range of King Billy celebrating gift ideas to be had at grandorangeorder.org

Along with marching penguin Xmas cards, the festive goodies that caught our eye are a handcrafted miniature fifer, smiley bowler hatted bug and a rather kinky-sounding bronze effect Relief Of An Orangeman. Wipe clean, natch.

On the other side of the festive sectarian divide, Caught In The Net is rather taken with the Fenian Infant Creeper babygrow available from www.cafepress.irishfreedom and the Long Kesh University of Freedom t-shirts carried by the www.sinnfeinbookshop.com.

We’ve always thought that Dubya is a bit of a basted and, sure enough, www.store.dolltv.com is selling Turkey Dinner George Bush dolls for the poultry sum of $34.99.

“The figure comes dressed in an Army jacket nearly identical to the one he wore on Thanksgiving Day 2003 when he carried that turkey dinner platter while visiting our troops in Iraq,” trumpets the site. “Bush’s sense of humor was clearly visible as he said, ‘I was just looking for a warm meal somewhere.’”

Yes, CITN remembers thinking, “With side-splitting one-liners like that, he’d make a fine stand-up comedian.”

If none of those Christmas ideas take your fancy, you could splash out $99.95 on one of the TSX Toys Concubine Masturbators available from www.fantasygifts.com

According to the blurb, this breakthrough in one-off-the-wrist technology “has it all – perky breasts, hard nipples and a ready and willing vagina.”

To make sure those childish squeals of delight don’t turn to tears of disappointment on Crimbo morning please note it requires two AA batteries.

Forget all that Xbox nonsense, if it’s quality games you’re after check out the trigger-squeezing fun to be had at www.jfk-reloaded.com

Having selected “Grassy Knoll” or “Book Depositry” mode, it’s up to you to despatch the Mafia ‘n’ brassy blonde loving ex-Pres with as much high-calibre precision as possible.

Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.audiodrinkingcompanion.com (music to get royally gickered to); www.gayoply.com (you wouldn’t believe the price of San Francisco bathhouses); and www.strangecosmos.com/
content/item/25266.html (they do what in Venezuala?)