Can a woman have sex like a man? Without feelings? That was the theme of the very first episode of Sex And The City. Nine years, six seasons and one movie later, the question has yet to be satisfactorily answered. I wonder – can we have casual sex with no emotional repercussions? Or are many women nursing secret reservations about sex without strings and the culture of one-night stands?

Here’s the easy answer: Yes, but… No, but…
We are told that women are victims of biology, in this case, the hormone oxytocin. Known as the love or cuddle hormone, oxytocin is released during orgasm and it’s this mind-altering chemical that causes you to feel all loved-up and bonded with your partner.
Women produce more oxytocin than men. Biologically, this makes sense. We have breasts; you are bigger and hairier, you fart and hog the remote – we need all the extra inducement available to love, honour and feed you, once we’ve had our wicked way with you.
The oxytocin high only lasts temporarily, so if the rest of the relationship – or lack thereof – doesn’t induce a woman to hang around, its effects eventually wear off. However, oxytocin is powerful stuff and its influence can cause a woman to feel more emotionally invested in a sexual encounter than is warranted. Love may not be the drug, but sex sure is.
All this can leave a woman feeling bruised and used. Hormonally speaking, for some women, casual sex can be a bit like a hit of MDMA. It sure feels good; but then there’s the comedown.
But… hormones don’t tell the whole story. I doubt there is a woman alive who hasn’t wanted to have sex, and just sex, without romance or attachments with at least one man. Lust is like a bomb – it can hit indiscriminately. Sometimes the person you want in your bed is not the person you want in your life. Like men, women crave sexual adventure, experience and variety. Every weekend mná na hÉireann scrub up, dress up and glam up, sometimes in pursuit of love, but just as often in pursuit of sex.
But… does this mean that women want casual sex in the same way men do, or that our feelings about it are the same? Free love and certain strands of feminism taught us that sex could be empowering – which it can be, or sure feels like it at times – and that a woman should take control of her sexuality and enjoy it as freely as men could enjoy theirs.
But… as committed as I am to an egalitarian ideal, it’s stupid to pretend that women and men are exactly the same. We’re not. While I can enjoy my sexuality as much as any man enjoys his – or more, lest we forget about multiple orgasms – it doesn’t necessarily follow that the only way to do this is to have as much casual sex with as many people as possible, whether you are a man or a woman. That’s fine if that’s your thing; but it’s not the only game in town.
Having said that – certainly in the current climate, and under the influence of all that history has bequeathed us – casual sex is definitely more of a male pursuit than a female one. Women have less sexual partners than men; we rarely pay for sex; and on websites such as Meet2Cheat, Gumtree and Adult Friend Finder, there are always far more men than women looking for no-strings sex.
Whether this means that women want less casual sex or are subtler about getting it is debatable – but it’s pretty obvious that most of womankind doesn’t pursue sex in the way Sex And The City’s Samantha did. The Samanthas may be out there, but they’re in relatively short supply. Plenty of women prefer sex to romance some of the time; but very few of us want sex and nothing more than sex all of the time.
I decided to ask around and see if my friends thought a woman could or should remain emotionally detached from sex. As you can imagine, there was plenty of disagreement, but the arguments weren’t gender-aligned and some of the answers really surprised me.
“God, yes,” said my sister-in-law. “Been there, done that.” And here I thought she was a romantic! Janine agreed. “It’s not just a male thing. I’ve done that. No problem.”
Triona, though a fan of the zipless fuck, didn’t think it was always possible. “Sometimes if the sex is really good, I end up liking them, sort of. If it’s a one-night stand I’ve gotta leave afterwards. My rule is: never watch a man sleeping. They look so sweet and peaceful, you can’t help but love them a little bit.”
Mandy and Gareth both thought that looking at the question in terms of gender was a mistake. “I’ve known many men ruled by their emotions and who attach a lot of ‘meaning’ to sex – just as I know women who do not,” said Mandy, while Gareth felt that there was no definable male or female attitude towards sex. Some people found it easier to remain detached while others did not.
My male friends were divided on the idea. Humphrey and Michael thought women were just as likely as men to take pleasure in sex without strings, while Ryan and Gary disagreed. Gary thought that women had been duped into expecting and accepting too little of men and relationships. “Women want romance but they don’t get it so they settle for sex.” I can’t say that’s never true, but from what I can tell, women, generally speaking, are keen on both sex and romance, but not always together. As Ciara put it, “Sometimes you want love, sometime you just want sex. What’s wrong with that?”
Louise doubted it was possible for a woman have sex without getting somewhat emotionally involved. “For women sexual attraction is not just about looks, but about the person as well. If sexual attraction works on a ‘personality’ level, the woman has to like the man before having sex. If you like someone, even from a first impression, then there is already feeling there and then sex is not going to be void of emotion.”
The comedian, Billy Crystal, once said, “Women need a reason to have sex – men just need a place.” For lots of women, including Louise, Olivia, Maria, Emma, Jen and me, that’s true. There needs to be more than just two sets of genitals and the opportunity, and if there is, your feelings are involved to some extent. But remember, there are feelings and then there are, well, deeper feelings.
For me, and for many women, sex can be casual because of our feelings, not despite them. It’s possible to care about someone, to like, admire and even be attached to him without wanting or hoping to turn a sexual relationship into a serious long-term emotional commitment.
Maybe sex without feelings is the ideal. After all, sex is sex and love is love, and mixing the two seems to result in a big mess. And children. Perhaps whether or not you can remain emotionally detached depends not on your sex, but on your age, your star sign or your upbringing. Frankly, I don’t know. I suspect that as long as we have choice it doesn’t matter that we don’t have any answers.
Perhaps… Maybe… But... being a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind.