Exhibit ‘A’ for the prosecution is the Incredible Inflatable, a pro-looking American resource, which is dedicated to the joys of balloon fetishism. They’re not alone with a Google search unearthing 17,300 likeminded sites. If you want to find out more about Luna’s First Balloon Experience – "I still remember its colour" – log on to www.emmasballoons.com

From there it’s but a mere mouseclick to www.geocities.com/televisioncity/

1356/main.htm, aka The Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail.

"I realise that a grown man like myself should be way past his fetish for animated beauty, but…," confesses The Rev. Nate Dawg before going on to extol the virtues of such top ‘toon totty as Josie & The Pussycats, Jessica Rabbit, The X-Chicks and Scooby’s mates Daphne and Velma. Shockingly, there’s no mention of Penelope Pitstop (that Peter Perfect was a spawney git) or über space vixen Judy Jetson.

Next up is TheSpark which, aware of how sexually confused we are nowadays, has come up with a handy Gay Test.

"Are straight people totally straight?" it ponders. "Are gay people completely gay? Doesn’t everyone have a little of somebody else inside them? It’s hard to tell without some serious probing in sensitive areas. TheSpark’s Gay Test will tell you how gay you really are. Plus, at the end, we’ll tell you how gay your friends are, too, which is always handy to know."

Just for the record, Caught In The Net is 32% of the homosexual persuasion.

Hot on the heels of the Portadown News, we’re pleased to bring you this headline story from the Ballyhoo Examiner:

"Cost Of Dying Shock: A woman has received a letter from Ballyhoo Funeral Homes looking for the final instalment on her grandmother’s funeral – which took place in 1978.

"Ms Pauline Cox said she was both surprised and shocked at the demand, which was cloaked in ‘intimidating’ language. ‘They say if I don’t pay within 30 days then up she comes again’. Meanwhile Cllr Luke McCafferty said he would be taking up Ms Cox’s case. He would also be tabling a motion to the UDC about a 30% rise in prices at Greenside Cemetery. ‘It’s hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its standard burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.’"

There’s more groundbreaking journalism to be had at www.ballyhoo-examiner.com

Finally, connoisseurs of poor taste should check out the hack ‘n’ slashfest, which is www.game-of-death.com Staring such wholesome-types as John Wayne Gacey, Ted Bundy and Ed Dein, it makes Chris Morris’ recent efforts look like Wanderly Wagon. Which, really shockingly, has its own tribute page at www.users,zetnet.co.uk/rlogue/

wander.htm